La Comedia of Errors

[print edition page number: 375]

A bilingual adaptation of William Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors

Based on Christina Anderson’s Play On Shakespeare translation

World premiere commissioned and produced by Oregon Shakespeare Festival and Artistic Director Bill Rauch

Characters

LA VECINA — The neighbor, part of and local to audience, bilingual.
EGEÓN — A merchant from México, monolingual Spanish speaker.
BROTHER PINCH — A VapoRub evangelist, American, speaks Spanglish.
SHERIFF SOLINUS — American monolingual English speaker.
BALTHAZAR — A house painter, another monolingual English speaker.
DEPUTY — Bilingual American, learned Spanish in school.
THE GUIDE/EL GUÍA — A coyote.
ANGELO — A jeweler, American monolingual English speaker.
ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO — A traveler from Mexico searching for his long-lost twin, bilingual native Spanish speaker.
ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. — American monolingual English speaker with a working-class accent.
DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO — Monolingual Spanish speaker who works for Antífolo de México. [376]

DROMIO OF U.S.A. — Monolingual English speaker who works for Antipholus of U.S.A.
ADRIANA — Wife of Antipholus of U.S.A., Mexican American, speaks Spanglish.
LUCIANA — Sister of Adriana, American from Puerto Rico, more bilingual than her sister.
BARKEEP — American monolingual English speaker who likes to flirt with Antipholus of U.S.A.
EMILIA — An abbess with a secret past, Mexicana, hasn’t used her Spanish in years.

PLAYWRIGHTS’ NOTE: The characters in this play speak Spanish and English with different accents depending on their identities and relationships to the language. Please note that characters’ identities might shift with casting choices in a given production. For instance, La Vecina was played by a non-binary Salvadoran American in the original production, but the text could reflect the actor’s own ethnic and gender identity in a new production. The number of actors required to produce this play is flexible, as several of the roles can be doubled. In the original production, a live guitarist played music and sound effects. [377]

Prologue

The set includes one door that moves around the stage and becomes various doors in the story. The cast is onstage, chatting with the audience before the show begins. LA VECINA is seated in the audience as if they were yet another audience member.

ACTOR WHO PLAYS EMILIA
Bienvenidos, y welcome to …

ALL
La Comedia of Errors!

ACTOR WHO PLAYS ANGELO
In today’s audience, who speaks English?

ACTOR WHO PLAYS LUCIANA
¿Quién habla español en la audiencia de hoy?

ACTOR WHO PLAYS ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
¿Y quién puede hablar at least some of both languages?

ACTOR WHO PLAYS ADRIANA
Bueno, our play has a very complicated backstory.

ACTOR WHO PLAYS EGEÓN
And so that everyone understands — para que todos puedan entender la historia de fondo —

ACTOR WHO PLAYS DROMIO OF U.S.A.
— today we’re going to share this backstory —

ACTORS WHO WANT TO SPEAK IN SPANISH
— ¡sin hablar!

ACTORS WHO WANT TO SPEAK IN ENGLISH
— without speaking!

ACTOR WHO PLAYS ADRIANA
Empezamos nuestra historia de fondo — we begin our backstory in — (waving a small Mexican flag) México. [378]

The company tells the entire backstory of what happened 33 years ago in an “acto” style — all underscored with music, using props and bilingual placards.

EGEÓN dons a boutonniere and EMILIA dons a bridal veil. They walk toward each other and kiss when they meet. Back home in Mexico, they dance, in love.

An actor playing a Canadian man waves a small Canadian flag from the opposite corner, offering cash to EGEÓN as a merchant.

EGEÓN indicates that he has to leave for work, and, hugging his wife goodbye, flies (via a toy plane held by an actor) to Canada. EGEÓN makes money each time he’s in Canada.

Back by the Mexican flag, EMILIA is, suddenly, extremely pregnant. EGEÓN, returning briefly home, admires her pregnancy, but business calls and he leaves again for Canada.

Alone in Mexico, EMILIA gets impatient and flies herself to Canada. The actor playing the Canadian man becomes a doctor.

EMILIA gives birth to two identical bundled blankets.

The actor(s) playing ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. / ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO hold(s) up a placard: TWINS! ¡GEMELOS!

Actors hold up a two-sided placard: MEANWHILE, IN THE SAME INN / MIENTRAS TANTO, EN LA MISMA POSADA

An actor playing the Dromios’ mother enters. She is very pregnant. She gives birth to a second set of bundled blankets of a different color.

The actor(s) playing DROMIO OF U.S.A. / DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO hold(s) up a placard: MORE TWINS! / ¡MÁS GEMELOS!

The Dromios’ mother is ill and alone. EMILIA and EGEÓN offer to adopt her babies.

A placard is held up: ADOPTION / ADOPCIÓN

The Dromios’ mother gently passes her twins to EGEÓN and EMILIA.

The Mexican woman holding the Mexican flag beckons, and EMILIA begs her husband to return home to Mexico. [379]

EMILIA and EGEÓN, with all four babies, fly back toward Mexico.

A storm develops. A placard is held up: THE PILOT ABANDONS THE PLANE / EL PILOTO ABANDONA EL AVIÓN

The man holding the toy plane passes it to EMILIA and EGEÓN and makes the pilot doll “jump” out of the plane with a toy parachute.

The parents brace themselves and the babies for a crash landing. The plane crashes! They all survive but are thrown to opposite corners of the space.

A placard: THE DESERT / EL DESIERTO

They begin to walk toward each other.

A placard: SANDSTORM! / ¡TORMENTA DE ARENA!

The sandstorm begins. The family is separated, landing on two sides of the stage. EMILIA and her twins exit.

EGEÓN is lost in the desert. A good Samaritan (wearing a placard that says so) brings a jug of water and leads EGEÓN and his set of twins over the border to Mexico.

EMILIA runs on stage, pursued by a Border Patrol officer. Another Border Patrol officer blocks her path. The officers take the twins away from her and gesture for the Mexican woman holding the Mexican flag to take EMILIA back over the border. The officers exit.

Before she returns home to Mexico, EMILIA decides to brave crossing back into the U.S. to find her babies. She makes the sign of the cross and exits past the American man holding a small U.S. flag.

The cast leads the audience in applause.

ACTOR WHO PLAYS LUCIANA
La primera escena de nuestra obra empieza en algún lugar de los Estados Unidos, 33 años después.

ACTOR WHO PLAYS DEPUTY
The first scene of our play picks up somewhere in the United States, 33 years later. And we begin with:

EGEÓN
El padre, hecho un cautivo, que solo habla español. [380]

DEPUTY (interpreting)
The father, now a captive, who only speaks Spanish.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
A sheriff, who only speaks English.

DEPUTY
Un sheriff, que solo habla inglés. And a deputy, who will do his darndest to interpret. [381]

ACT 1
Scene 1

Sheriff’s Station. SHERIFF SOLINUS, EGEÓN, and the DEPUTY enter.

EGEÓN
Continúa, Oficial, consigue mi perdición,
Acaba mis penas con la orden “deportación.”

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Proceed, Sheriff, to secure my fall,
And by the verdict “deportation” end woes and all.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Merchant of Mexico, please say no more.
I’m not inclined to break our country’s laws.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Comerciante de México, no hables más.
No estoy dispuesto a violar las leyes de nuestro país.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
It has in cautious courtrooms been decreed

Tribunales cautelosos han declarado

To admit no Mexicans within our land.

Que no se admitirá a ningún mexicano en nuestra tierra.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Nay, more —

DEPUTY (interpreting)

Es más —

SHERIFF SOLINUS
— if any Mexican born
Comes to these our United States —

DEPUTY (interpreting)
— si alguien nacido en México
Entra a nuestros Estados Unidos — [382]

SHERIFF SOLINUS
He’ll be deported.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Será deportado.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
Unless —

A menos —

— a hundred grand be levied,
To pay the penalty and to ransom him.

— que reúna cien mil dólares,

Para pagar la multa y rescatarse.

Your net worth, valued at the highest rate,
Cannot amount unto a single grand,

Como tú no vales ni un mil,

Therefore by law you are to be deported.

Quedas sentenciado a ser deportado según la ley.

EGEÓN
Aún en todo esto hay consuelo: cumplida la condena,
La puesta del sol acaba mi pena.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Yet this my comfort: when your words are done,
My woes end likewise with the evening sun.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
Mexicano, I have read your tragic tale

He leído tu historia trágica,

Of that airplane crashing in the desert,

De tu avión estrellando en el desierto,

And your family’s sad separation.

Y la triste separación de tu familia.

Say why you chose to leave your native home

Dinos por qué dejaste tu tierra natal

And for what cause you came across our border.

Y qué te trajo a través de nuestra frontera.

EGEÓN
No podrías darme tarea más dolorosa
Que hablar de mis dolores indecibles. [383]

DEPUTY
It’s hard for him to talk about.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Well, for the sake of those you sorrow for,
Do me the favor to expound at full
What has befallen them and you till now.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Por favor, cuéntanos qué sucedió contigo y con ellos hasta hoy.

EGEÓN (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
Mi hijo menor,

My youngest boy,

y mi mayor preocupación,

and yet my eldest care,

A los dieciocho años preguntó por su gemelo,

At eighteen years of age turned curious about his twin brother,

Y pidió que su compañero

And asked that his attendant

(También privado de un hermano gemelo,
Pero no de su recuerdo)

(Also robbed of a twin brother,

But not the fact of him)

Lo acompañara en su búsqueda.

Might bear him company in the quest of him.

Por quince años no he sabido de ellos,

For fifteen years I have not heard from them,

Y así yo,

and so,

a pesar de los peligros,

despite the dangers,

Gasté todo lo que teníamos para encontrar a los que amo.

I’ve spent my family’s fortune to find the ones I love.

He recorrido por ciudades y granjas,

Roaming clean through the cities and the farms,

Desiertos y montañas en los Estados Unidos,

The deserts and the hills of these United States,

Sin esperanza, pero decidido a revisar
Cualquier lugar que dé refugio al hombre. [384]

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Hopeless to find, yet loath to leave unchecked
This, that, or any place that harbors men.

EGEÓN (speaking directly, and personally, to the DEPUTY)
Pero aquí debe terminar mi historia.
Esta expulsión oportuna me haría muy feliz
Si mi recorrido asegurara que ellos viven.

DEPUTY
He just wants to know that they’re alive before you deport him.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Tragic, illegal Egeon!

DEPUTY (interpreting)
¡Triste Egeón ilegal!

EGEÓN
— ya, lo oí.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
Although you are condemned by law to deportation —

Pero aunque la deportación sea tu condena —

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Yet I will help you out in what I can.

Surprised by SHERIFF SOLINUS’s decision, the DEPUTY continues to interpret.

DEPUTY
Te ayudaré en lo que pueda.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
Therefore, merchant, I’ll offer you this day:

Por lo tanto, comerciante, te ofrezco un día de gracia:

Go beg, or borrow, to make up the sum —

Mendiga, pide prestado, junta la suma —

SHERIFF SOLINUS
And stay. [385]

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Y permanece.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (with the DEPUTY interpreting simultaneously)
If not, then you are doomed to deportation.

Si no, te espera la deportación.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Deputy, take him to your custody.

DEPUTY
I will, Sheriff.

EGEÓN
Vete, Egeón, sin auxilio ni esperanza,
A esperar el fin de tu búsqueda vana y tu partida inevitable.

LA VECINA speaks to the audience as the DEPUTY leads off EGEÓN.

LA VECINA
Pobre hombre. Si tuviera el dinero yo mismo pagaría su fianza. ¿Qué onda con esto? ¿Qué no es comedia, pues?

Scene 2

Downtown. Enter ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO, who wears the clothes of a wealthy international traveler, his valet DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, and THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA. THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA gives them work clothes to change into — coincidentally, exactly what their twin brothers happen to be wearing this very day.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
Don’t let anyone know you are illegal —

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Ah, somos indocumentados, no ilegales.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
Undocumented. And so pretend you are day laborers from Canada. [386]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
Tenemos que decir que somos jornaleros de Canadá.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (taking their passports)
No Mexican passports.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
No se permiten pasaportes mexicanos.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (taking their money)
No Mexican money.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
No se permite dinero mexicano.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (taking the clothes they’ve changed out of)
No Mexicans, period.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
No se permiten mexicanos, punto.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
Oh, and not a word of Spanish!

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
¡Oye! Y ni una palabra de … español.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA hands a Spanish-to-English travel phrasebook to ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO, who hands it to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

THE GUIDE/EL GUÍA
This very day a Mexican merchant
Was arrested, yes, for arriving here.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
Hoy detuvieron a un comerciante de México.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡No!

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
Just like you two, he had no papers either. [387]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
Y como nosotros, no tenía papeles.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡No!

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
And not being able to provide the needed bail,
He’ll be deported before the weary sun sets in the west.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡No!

(to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO) Y porque no tiene suficiente plata,
Hoy, antes que se ponga el sol, tiene que ser deportado.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Ay, no!

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (passing him some American cash)
Here are some dollars for your pesos.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Vaya, que pésimo intercambio.
Thank you. Do I sound like I am from the U.S.A.?

He gives DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO cash.

Drómio, lleva este dinero a nuestro hotel,
Y espera allí hasta que llegue.
Mientras tanto, caminaré por la ciudad
Y luego iré a descansar en nuestro cuarto.
Ándale, llévate esto y vete.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Muchos harían lo que mandas
Si tuvieran tal riqueza en mano.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO practices from the travel phrasebook as he exits.

Can. I. Super-size. That?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
El muchacho es confiable, compadre.
Me levanta el ánimo con sus bromas divertidas — [388]

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (sternly reminding him)
English. English!

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Ah, yes!
He lifts my spirits with his funny jokes.
What, will you walk with me about the town,
And then go to my inn and dine with me?

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA’s burner cell phone dings.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA
My present business calls me from you now.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Hasta pronto, entonces. I will go lose myself,
And wander up and down to view the city.

THE GUIDE / EL GUÍA (exiting)
Sir, I commend you to your own … satisfacción.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Me encomienda a mi propia satisfacción,
Pero no la encuentro en mi situación.
He that commends me to my own content
Commends me to the thing I cannot get.
En el mundo soy como una gota de agua,
Buscando otra gota en medio del mar —
I to the world am like a drop of water
That in the ocean seeks another drop —
Que, al caer, si no logra encontrar a su igual —
Inadvertida, ansiosa por saber — se pierde en el todo.
Así yo, buscando una madre y un hermano —
I, to find a mother and a brother,
In quest of them, unhappy —
Me pierdo a mí mismo — I lose myself.

LA VECINA
Sé exactamente cómo se siente. Perdí mis llaves esta mañana.

Enter DROMIO OF U.S.A., who wears the clothing of the construction trade (the same outfit his twin is wearing). [389]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Qué pasó? ¿Por qué regresas tan pronto?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
What’s with the Spanish, dude?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (assuming his man is playing by the rules of the U.S.)
Ah, yes, English — why are you returned so soon?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Returned so soon? Rather arrived too late.
The burgers burn, the fries have fried beyond a crisp,
The clock has struck six strokes upon the bell;
My boss-lady made it one upon my cheek.
She is so hot because the food is cold;
The food is cold because you don’t come home;
You don’t come home because you like to roam!

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Deja de hablar por un segundo y dime,
¿Dónde dejaste el dinero que te di?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
“El dinero”?
O, the fifty that I had last Wednesday
To pay the dealer for my boss-lady’s oil change?
The dealer has it, boss; I kept it not.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
No estoy de humor para tus chistes,
Especialmente en inglés (lo cual tú no hablas, por cierto).
Dime sin bromear, ¿dónde está el dinero?
Somos extraños aquí.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Why don’t you joke, boss, as you sit at dinner?
See, from my boss-lady I have dashed to you.
If I return, I will be dashed indeed,
For she will dash my brains against your fault. [390]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Ya, Drómio, no es buen momento para travesuras.
¿Dónde está la plata que dejé en tus manos?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
To me, sir? Why, you gave no “plata” to me.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Basta de tonterías, travieso,
Dime qué has hecho con tu encargo.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
My “encargo” was to fetch you from downtown
Home to your house, on Phoenix Street, to dinner.
My boss-lady and her sister wait for you.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Por el amor de Dios, respóndeme:
In what safe place have you bestowed my money?
Where are las mil marcas you had from me?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I have some “marcas” of yours upon my head,
Some of my boss-lady’s marcas upon my shoulders,
But not a thousand marcas between you both.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Your “boss-lady’s” marcas? ¿De quién hablas, zonzo?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Your wife, boss —

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Mi esposa?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
— my boss-lady there on Phoenix Street:
She who is fasting till you come home to dinner.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Te pones a reír en mi cara,
Cuando te he dicho que no? Toma, descarado. [391]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO is about to hit DROMIO OF U.S.A.

LA VECINA
Ay, me muero. ¡Córrele, cipote, before he hits you!

DROMIO OF U.S.A. (exiting)
What mean you, boss? For God’s sake, hold your hands!
No, if you won’t then, boss, I’ll take my heels.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Juro que de alguna manera
The villain has been cheated of all mi plata!
Dicen que este país está lleno de ladrones:
Se ganan la vida aprovechándose de millones.
This country’s full of thieves who make their fortune
At our expense.
Iré al hotel a buscar a este muchacho.
I greatly fear my money is not safe. [392]

Exit ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO.

ACT 2
Scene 1

The house of ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA. ADRIANA sings a few lines of a self-pitying ranchera.^[1] She twists her wedding ring nervously throughout the scene.

ADRIANA
Neither my husband nor his “chicle” returned,
Who in such haste I sent to seek his boss!
Mira, Luciana, it’s eight o’clock.

LUCIANA
Perhaps some merchant has invited him,
And from downtown he’s somewhere gone to dinner.
Hermana, cálmate y vamos a comer,
Un hombre es dueño de su libertad.
Time is men’s master, and, when they see time,
They’ll go or come. Así que ten paciencia, hermana.

LA VECINA
Si mi pareja tardara dos horas en comer como el marido de esta, ya hubiera cenado, treslecheado, y netflixeado.

ADRIANA
Why should their liberty than ours be more?

LUCIANA
Because their business still lies out the door.

ADRIANA
Mira, when I serve him so, he takes it ill.

LUCIANA
¿Sabes qué? He is the harness of your will.

ADRIANA
There’s none but asses will be harnessed so. [393]

LUCIANA
Pues, headstrong liberty is lashed with woe.
No hay nada situado bajo el ojo del cielo
Que no tenga límite en cielo, mar o suelo.
The beasts, the fishes, and the wingèd game,
Are their males’ subjects and within their claim.
Men, more divine, the masters of all these,
Lords of the wide world and wild watery seas,
Are masters to their females, and their lords:
Then let your will attend on their accords.

LA VECINA
Qué bayunca. Esta mujer cree que Dios hizo a los hombres superiores. ¿Qué no sabe que Dios es mujer?

ADRIANA (to the audience)
This servitude makes her to keep unwed.

LUCIANA (to the audience)
No es eso, but troubles of the marriage bed.

ADRIANA (to the audience)
But, were she wedded, she would have some sway.

LUCIANA
Before I learn love, I’ll practice to obey. Mami dijo —

ADRIANA
Tu mami, tal vez, no la mía.
Different households, different moms, different filosofía.

LA VECINA
¿Tu mami? ¿Qué no tienen la misma madre?

LUCIANA
No, mi mami es boricua de San Juan, y la de mi hermana es tejana de El Paso. Pero de todas maneras nos entendemos.

ADRIANA
But, if you live to see like right bereft,
This fool-begged paciencia in you will be left. [394]

LUCIANA
Bueno, un día me caso. I will marry one day, just to try.
Hasta entonces: mejor sola que mal acompañada.
Here comes el chicle. Now your husband is nearby.

LA VECINA
Mira, aquí viene el asistente del marido, el dique chicle. Mastícalo, pues.

Enter DROMIO OF U.S.A.

ADRIANA
Hey, is your tardy boss not far behind?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, he’s at two kicks with me, and that my two cheeks can witness.

ADRIANA
Well, did you speak with him? D’you know his mind?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Yeah, yeah, he spoke his mind upon my rear.

ADRIANA
Pero like, is he coming home?
It seems he has great care to please his wife.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
When I requested that he come home to dinner,
He asked me for a thousand marcas en plata:
“It’s dinner-time,” says I. “Mi plata!” says he.
“Your food will burn,” says I. “Mi plata!” says he.
“Will you come home?” says I. “Mi plata!” says he;
“Where is the mil marcas I gave you, cabrón?”
“The boss-lady, boss,” says I. “Forget your boss-lady!
I don’t know your boss-lady. Go screw your boss-lady!”

LUCIANA
Says who?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Says my boss.
“I know,” says he, “no house, no spouse, no boss-lady.”

The sisters gasp. [395]

LA VECINA
¿Qué dijo su patrón? ¿Qué no reconoce ni casa ni esposa? ¡Qué escándalo más rico!

ADRIANA
Go back again, imbécil, and fetch him home.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Go back again and be new beaten home? For God’s sake, send some other messenger.

ADRIANA
¡Vete, desgraciado! Fetch your boss back home.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a soccer ball you kick me thus?
You kick me hence, and he will kick me hither.
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.

He exits.

LUCIANA
¡Ay, la impaciencia scowls upon your face!

ADRIANA
His company must do his girlfriends grace,
While I at home starve for a measly look.
Has homely age my alluring beauty took?
My decaying fair
A sunny glance of his would soon repair.

LA VECINA
Por la gran púchica, cree que su esposo tiene una novia.

LUCIANA
¡Los celos matan! Tsk, smack jealousy away.

ADRIANA
Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs go play!
Hermana, you know he promised me a chain.
Would that alone be a token he’d detain,
So he would keep right faithful to his bed! [396]
Él quiere otra mujer, yo estoy entre espada y pared.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die.

ADRIANA sings lines from the ranchera as she exits.

LUCIANA (to LA VECINA)
La envidia es una condena: mata el alma y envenena.

LA VECINA
¿Dijo que su esposo le prometió un collar?

LUCIANA
Un regalo para hacer las paces con ella después de la última vez que se pelearon.

Exit LUCIANA.

Scene 2

Downtown. Enter ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO, just missing his father EGEÓN being led through the street by the DEPUTY. The DEPUTY tries to raise the bail from audience members.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
La plata que le di a Drómio la encontré
A salvo en el hotel —
The money I gave Drómio is laid up
Safe at our hotel —
Y el muchacho, concienzudo,
Salió de allí para buscarme.
See, here he comes.

Enter DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

¿Qué onda, Mister Big Shot English Speaker?

¿Se te pasó ese humor ridículo?

¿Qué no sabes del hotel? ¿Qué no recibiste plata?

¿Estabas loco, contándome tantas locuras?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿Qué te conté? ¿Cuándo dije todo eso? [397]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Aquí mismo, apenas hace media hora.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Pero si no te he visto desde que me mandaste
Al hotel con la plata que me diste.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Descarado, dijiste que no habías recibido plata,
Y que me esperaba a comer una “boss-lady.”
Espero que te diste cuenta que no me gustó.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Me da gusto verte tan alegre, jefe.
¿Cuál es la broma?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Crees que estoy bromeando? Ten, y ¡toma esto y esto!

He beats him.

LA VECINA
¿¡Cuál es la fascinación de los hombres con dar chingadazos!?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿Pero por qué me golpeas?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Quieres bromear conmigo? Consulta el clima
En mi cara y actúa según el pronóstico,
O a manotadas te meto el método en la mollera.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿Cómo me gané las manotadas?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿No lo sabes?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Solo sé que me las das.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Te digo la razón? [398]

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Sí, y también por qué. Lo que bien se aprende nunca se olvida.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
A ver, ¿por qué? Por burlarte de mí.
¿Y la razón? Por hacerlo otra vez.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Nadie ha sido golpeado por un por qué y una razón
Que tenga menos sentido y provoque más hinchazón.
Pues, muchas gracias, jefe.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Gracias? ¿Por qué?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Por darme algo por nada.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
La próxima vez te doy nada por algo. Síguele, ¿eh?
Espera. ¿Quién viene?

Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA.

LA VECINA
Ay no.

ADRIANA
Yeah, yeah, Antipholus, look strange and frown:
Some other mistress has your smiling looks.
I am not Adriana, nor your wife.
The time was once when you unurged would vow
That never words were music to your ear,
That never object pleasing in your eye,
That never touch well welcomed to your hand,
That never meat sweet-savored in your taste,
Unless I spoke, or looked, or touched, or carved to you.
How comes it then, my husband, O, how comes it,
That you are so estrangèd now from yourself?
Your “self,” I call it, is strange to me.
For know, my love, as easy may you let fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulf, [399]
And take unmingled that same drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me yourself and not me too.
(Ah, do not tear yourself away from me!)
How dearly would it touch you to the quick,
Should you just hear I were licentious
And that this body, consecrated to you,
By ruffian lust should be contaminated!
Would you not spit at me and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And from my false hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
Keep then a faithful heart with your true bed;
I live unstained, you undishonor — èd.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.
In the U.S. I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk —

(aside to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO) Me cuesta comprender lo que quiere,
Pero no entiendo ni papa.

LUCIANA
Gee, brother-in-law!
Since when d’you choose to treat my sister so?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿A Drómio?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿A mí?

ADRIANA
Uh, you, and this you did return from him:
That he did bully you, and, in his blows,
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO)
¿Has hablado con esta mujer? [400]

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿Yo? ¡Nunca!

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Mientes, sinvergüenza, lo que dice ella
Es lo mismo que me dijiste tú en la calle.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Jamás en mi vida he hablado con ella.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Entonces cómo es que conoce nuestros nombres?
¿Será magia o inspiración divina?

ADRIANA
First of all, since when do you speak Spanish?
Second, how ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit so grossly with your man!
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with way more contempt.
Here, I will fasten on your sleeve. I pine:
You are an elm, my husband, I a vine.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (aside)
A mí me habla, de mí hablaba.
¿Me casé con ella mientras soñaba?

LUCIANA
Dromio, go tell the cook to set the table —

He heads the wrong way.

¡Por la otra vía!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (aside)
¡Ay, ángel de la guarda, me falta tu compañía! Aquí hay magia malvada.

LUCIANA
¿Por qué te persignas y no contestas?
¡Dromio, vago, perezoso, bambalán!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (to ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO)
Ay, jefe, me han transformado, ¿verdad? [401]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Si en algo te conviertes es … un asno.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Con razón. Soy un burro. Si no fuera así,
Yo debiera reconocerla como ella a mí.

ADRIANA
Come, come, no longer will I play the fool
While man and master laugh my woes to scorn.
Husband, to dinner now. Dromio, guard the gate.
Chavo, if any ask you for your boss, then
Say he dines out, and let no creature enter.
Ven, hermana. Dromio, play the porter well.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (aside)
¿Estoy en la tierra, el cielo, o en el infierno? Earth, heaven, or hell?
¿Soñando o despierto? ¿Sensato o enloquecido?
¿Conocido de ellas y de mí mismo desconocido?
Me haré el tonto para ver la consecuencia,
Pase lo que pase en esta experiencia.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (to ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO)
Jefe, ¿vigilo la “gate”?

ADRIANA
Yeah, and let none enter, or you’ll be sorry, mate.

LUCIANA
Come, come, Antipholus, we eat too late.

Exeunt.

LA VECINA
¡Mira maje, es como algo que pasaría en mi telenovela favorita! Parece que esta bayunca no se dio cuenta que invitó a un desconocido a su casa. ¿Dónde está su esposo verdadero?

LA VECINA sees ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A. coming. ANTIPHOLUS belches loudly.

¡Guácala! Hablando del rey de Roma y se asoma. Y vestidos igual. The real husband’s even dressed alike, down to the socks. [402]

ACT 3
Scene 1

Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A., wearing the clothes of a general contractor (the same outfit his twin is wearing), along with ANGELO, a jeweler, and BALTHAZAR, a house painter.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Good Donny Angelo, you must excuse us all.
My wife is shrewish when I don’t keep hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the makin’ of her necklace-thing,
And that tomorrow you’ll deliver it.

Enter DROMIO OF U.S.A.

But here’s the moron that claimed to my face
He met me there downtown, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand bucks in cash,
And that I had denied my wife and house.
You drunkard, you, what did you mean by this?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
That you beat me there downtown, I have your hand to show.
If the skin were paper, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwritin’ would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I think you are an ass.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Oh yeah, so it does appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kicked, and, bein’ at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware an ass.

LA VECINA
Whoa, that’s a lot of English. ¿No que esta obra es bilingüe? What about mis vecinos? Who’s taking care of them? [403]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Whatchu mean? We speak American in America.

LA VECINA
Oh, is that how it is? You know what? I got this.

(to the audience) Este señor es el joyero encargado del collar que la esposa celosa deseaba. Y parece que este patrón por fin encontró al hombre que le pertenece. Pero están hechos vueltas sobre quien le pegó a quien.

(to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A., dabbing) American.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You’re sad, Bobby Balthazar. Pray God our beer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR
I hold your liquor cheap, man, but your welcome sincere.
Cold beer and warm welcome makes a merry fest.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Yeah, to a stingy-ass host, and less picky guest.
But though my grub is cheap, take it in good part.
A better spread may you have, but not with better heart.

LA VECINA
Mira qué tierno, está invitando a sus amigos a su casa a comer. Pero espera, ¿no ordenó la esposa que no dejaran pasar a nadie?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
But, whoa! My door is locked.

LA VECINA
¿¡Qué! Te! Dije!?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Go bid ’em let us in.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Becky, Emily, Ashley, Lynn!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
¡Zonzo, imbécil, payaso, necio!
Aléjate de la puerta o siéntate en silencio. [404]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Who’s speaking Spanish in there?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
My boss stays in the street — with me!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
Que regrese por donde vino en vez de quedarse allí.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Who let a Mexican in my damn house?

LA VECINA (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.)
How do you know he’s Mexican?

(to the audience) I mean, he is Mexican. But since when is that a bad thing?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Yo, open the door!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
Sí, cómo no, si me das una buena razón, por favor.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Por favor? Por my dinner — I have not dined today.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
Y aquí tampoco comes. Regresa otro día, güey.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
What are you that keeps me out of the house I owe?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
El portero cuidando el arco, y mi nombre es Drómio.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
O villain! You’ve stolen both my job and now my name.
The one never got me credit, the other lots of blame.

ADRIANA (within)
Who is that at the door that makes all this noise?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (within)
Carajo, nos cayó una peste de latosos, ¿no oyes? [405]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Are you there, wife? You might have come before.

ADRIANA (within)
Your wife, pendejo? Go, get you from the door.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
If you went in in pain, boss, this “pendejo” would come out sore.

ANGELO
Here is neither beer, sir, nor welcome; we’d as soon have either.

BALTHAZAR
In debating which was best, we will part with neither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Well, I’ll break in. Go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
A crow with wings and feathers? Boss, mean you so?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Go get you gone. Fetch me an iron crowbar.

BALTHAZAR
Have patience, man. Do not stoop to this low bar.

Exit DROMIO OF U.S.A.

LA VECINA
Ay bendito, mandó a su hombre por una palanca.

BALTHAZAR
Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
And let us to a cocktail lounge together,
And afterwards then come yourself alone
To know the reason for this strange restraint.

LA VECINA
Cabal, Bobo Baltazár, váyanse a comer en algún lado.

(turning to an audience member) What’s your favorite restaurant?

An audience member might offer a suggestion, which LA VECINA might urge the group to take. [406]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I know a gal of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle.
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife — but, I protest, without good reason —
Has given me crap about so many times.
At her bar, will we “raise our spirits.”

LA VECINA
Espera, ¿está hablando de la mujer que la celosa cree que es su bolado? ¿Y cree que es buena idea ir a gozar en su bar? Típico.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (to ANGELO)
Go fetch the chain. By now I’m sure it’s made.
Bring it, I’m askin’, to the —
(interjecting three suggestive syllables)
— Porcupine Bar and Grill,
For there’s the place. That chain will I bestow —
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife —
Upon the owner there. Good sir, go quick.

LA VECINA
Por amor de Dios, va a darle el collar a la dueña del bar Puercoespín en vez de a su esposa. De veras esto es mejor que mi telenovela favorita.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Since my own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.

LA VECINA
Ay, estos babosos.

They exit just as DROMIO OF U.S.A. rushes in with a crowbar. Finding that everyone is gone, he goes to strike the door just as  … [407]

Scene 2

LUCIANA and ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO enter through the same door.

LUCIANA
And may it be that you have quite forgot
A husband’s duty? Shall, Antipholus,
Even in the spring of love, your “love-spring” rot?
Will love, in building, grow so ruinous?
If you have wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness;
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth:
Disguise your false love with a cloak of blindness.
It’s double wrong to play truant with your bed
And let her hear it at the table while you’re fed.
Alas, poor women, make us just believe
(Being as gullible as puppies) that you love us.
Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve;
We in your motion turn and you, above us;
Then, gentle brother, get you in again;
Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife.
It’s holy sport to be a little vain,
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Perdón, hermosa dama — no sé cuál es tu nombre,
Ni sé por cual milagro el mío conocieran —
Tu gran sabiduría y encanto superan
Todo lo que en la tierra es sagrado al hombre.
¿Por qué luchas en contra de mi conciencia pura,
Descarriando a mi amor hacia campo ajeno?
¿No eres una diosa? ¿Me conviertes en pleno?
Transfórmame, entonces, y seré tu captura.
Pero si soy yo mismo, no hay ninguna cuestión
Que no soy el esposo de tu hermana triste.
Con su cama conyugal, obligación no existe.
No, eres tú, solo tú, quien inspira mi pasión.
Sirena, con tu canto no pidas que me muera, [408]
Ahogado en el llanto de tu afligida hermana.
Canta por ti, oh mermaid, y el amor me allana.
Pon sobre el mar plateado tu dorada cabellera,
Y ahí me acostaré en tal lujosa cama.
En esa fantasía uno muere dichoso,
Ganando al fallecer un término glorioso.
El amor es ligero — y al hondo me llama.

LUCIANA
Wow, you’ve really hit those Spanish classes.
¿Pero tú eres sensato, o te falta sentido?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Chiflado no, comprometido.

LUCIANA
It is a fault that springs then from your eye.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

LUCIANA
Mira dónde debes. Verás mejor.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Mejor no ver que no verte, amor.

LUCIANA
Why call you me amor? Call my sister so.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Your sister’s sister.

LUCIANA

That’s my sister.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO

¡No!

Solo puedo verte a ti, la mejor parte de mi ser.
Visión clara de mis ojos, corazón de mi corazón.

LUCIANA
All this my sister is, or else should be.

[409]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Call yourself sister, sweet, ’cause I’m for … thee.
Thee will I love and with thee lead my life;
You have no husband yet, nor I no wife.
Dame la mano.

LUCIANA

Ay bendito, sir, hold still:

I’ll fetch my sister, to get her good will.

Exit LUCIANA.

LA VECINA
Juela gran, va a contarle a su hermana.

Enter DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, running for his life.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Qué pasa, Drómio? ¿A dónde corres con tanta prisa?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿Me conoces, jefe? ¿Soy Drómio? ¿Soy yo mismo?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Eres Drómio, mi compañero, tú mismo.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Soy un asno, compañero de una mujer, fuera de mí mismo.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿De cuál mujer eres compañero?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
De una cocinera bailarina que no me deja en paz. Me tuvo toda la tarde bailando para evadir su danza de los siete velos.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Y cómo es?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Es una chica blanca, jefe, una gringa enloquecida por la “cultura latina.” Pero a esta yanqui le falta ese “no sé qué.” [410]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Conoce todos los pasos de nuestros bailes?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Es una fuerza colonial, jefe. Su pista de baile consume países enteros.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Países enteros?

LA VECINA
Espera, espera, espera.

(to the audience) If you’re not a Spanish speaker: apparently, the gringa house cook — who is wild about “Latin” dance — insists that Drómio here is her partner, and not just on the dance floor, if you catch my drift. She’s been dancing him up and down Latin America all afternoon.

(to ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO) Why don’t you show us how? Adelante, caballeros.

As DRÓMIO tells ANTÍFOLO about the different dances, DRÓMIO demonstrates specific moves of each dance using ANTÍFOLO as a partner.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Empezaron por México?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Claro que sí, jefe.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Ah, como extraño el ritmo alegre de un son jarocho!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Ella lo aprendió en el ballet folklórico, pero la bamba quería ser el capitán y el marinero.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Y en Cuba? ¿Cómo le quedaba la salsa?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Uy, muy desabrida, jefe. La Yuma no tenía tumbao. [411]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Y en Puerto Rico? Sé que eres un duro bailando el reggaetón, ya te he visto.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Ay bendito! El perreo se le fue al garete. Puro revolú.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Qué tal en Colombia? ¿Daba con el ritmo seductor de una cumbia costeña?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Uy, jefe, fue una tortura. Sus caderas sí mienten.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Paila! ¿Cómo les fue en Brasil? Me encanta el vaivén atrayente de la samba.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Su rebote rítmico decía “ven pa’ acá,” pero mi rebote defensivo respondía “ve pa’ allá.”

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Llegaron hasta Argentina? Espera, no me digas: en su tango te arrastró hacia su abrazo.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Sí, pero le di el gancho y salí de corrida.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Qué quilombo! ¿Entre todos, cuál era su baile favorito?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Ay, Dios mío, la “Macarena.”

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡NO! ¡Pero si ellos ni siquiera son latinoamericanos, son españoles!

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Eso le dije! Peor, a su cuerpo le faltaba alegría y solo sabía la letra (singing) “¡Eh, Macarena!” En conclusión, esta gran colonizadora me reclamó para ella, juró que era su dulce caramelo, y empezó a describir marcas privadas que tengo en el cuerpo que yo huí de ella como de una bruja.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Se acabó! No pasaré la noche en este país. [412]
Apúrate a la central camionera para ver
Si sale un camión esta noche. Ve a la plaza,
Allí te espero. Es hora de empacar y correr.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Más vale decir aquí corrió que aquí murió.

Exit DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

LA VECINA
Okay, one plot point for you non-Spanish speakers. He sent Drómio to the bus station. They’re trying to skip town and leave this play.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
There’s none but witches that inhabit here,
And therefore it’s high time that I were gone.

ADRIANA stands in one entrance.

She that does call me husband, even my soul
Does for a wife abhor.

LUCIANA stands in the opposite entrance.

Pero su bella hermana

Llena de una gracia soberana …

He gets lost in a reverie but snaps out of it.

Para no causarme aún más penas,
Olvidaré el canto de sirenas. Mermaids.

Enter ANGELO with the chain as the two sisters disappear.

ANGELO
Señor Antipholus —

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO

Sí — that’s my name.

ANGELO
I know it well, sir. Look, here is the chain.
I hoped to have found you at the —
(three suggestive syllables)
— Porcupine.
The chain unfinished made me stay so long. [413]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
What do you wish that I should do with this?

ANGELO
What floats your boat, sir. I made it for you.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Made it for me, sir? I asked for it not.

ANGELO
Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
Go home with this and please your wife with it,
And later on tonight I’ll visit you
And then receive my money for the chain.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
For fear you never see chain or money more.

ANGELO
You are a funny man, sir. See you later.

Exit ANGELO.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
What should I think of this, I cannot tell.
But this I think, there’s no man so insane
That would refuse so nice an offered chain.
Aquí uno no necesita robar para vivir,
Si cualquiera te regala oro sin pedir.
Me voy a la plaza to wait for Drómio;
If any bus pulls out, me hallarás abordo.

Exit. [414]

ACT 4
Scene 1

A public place. Enter the DEPUTY and EGEÓN, meeting SHERIFF SOLINUS.

DEPUTY (to SHERIFF SOLINUS)
I’m sorry, sir, we could only raise a dime.

SHERIFF SOLINUS (to EGEÓN)
Let’s fetch your files. It’s off to ICE we go.

Enter ANGELO.

DEPUTY (to SHERIFF SOLINUS)
I’ll catch up with you later.

Exit SHERIFF SOLINUS and EGEÓN. The DEPUTY catches up with ANGELO.

(to ANGELO) You know since New Year’s Day the sum was due,
And since then, I’ve not ever pestered you;
Nor now I wouldn’t, but that I am bound
To Hawaii and need money for my trip.

ANGELO
Exactly the sum that I now owe to you
Is owed now to me by Antipholus,
And just before I met up here with you
He got from me a gorgeous golden chain.
If you will walk with me down to his house,
I will pay off my bill and thank you too.

LA VECINA
El joyero le debe al alguacil dinero, pero no le puede pagar hasta que el marido le pague lo que le debe por el collar de su mujer. Además, sin el dinero el alguacil no se puede ir de vacaciones a Hawái. Bueno, and you didn’t invite us.

DEPUTY
Ah, see where he comes.

A sign that reads “The Porcupine” is put on the door. ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A. enter from inside the bar. [415] The BARKEEP comes out and gives a ring to ANTIPHOLUS, which he puts on his finger. The BARKEEP goes back into the bar.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
While I go to the jeweler’s place, you go
And buy a piece of rope, and that will I bestow
On my dearest wife and her bad hombres
For lockin’ me out of my house today.
You get goin’, and go buy me a rope.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I get a thousand “pounds” a year; I get a rope.

Exit DROMIO OF U.S.A.

LA VECINA
¿Van a conseguir un pedazo de cuerda para regalárselo a la esposa en lugar del collar prometido? Se pelaron.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
A man has got it made that trusts to you.
I promised your presence and the chain,
But neither chain nor jeweler came to me.

ANGELO
You’re such a funny guy, but here’s the bill,
How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,
Which, see, amounts to three odd dollars more
Than I’m indebted to this gentleman.
So please now, see him presently paid off;
He has a flight to catch — to Hawaii — and stays just for this.

LA VECINA
“Aquí está la cuenta por el collar. Págame porque le debo a este señor que necesita viajar a Hawái.” Hawái. Hawái. Hawái. Ya me imagino que es lo que va a pasar: el joyero piensa que el marido ya tiene el collar. El marido insiste que no, y el alguacil lo arresta por no pagar. Te apuesto, cinco dólares.

DEPUTY
They bet ya five bucks you’ll be arrested by the end of the scene. [416]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You’re on, neighbor.

DEPUTY (to LA VECINA)
Ya vas.

They agree and launch into the scene.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I am not furnished with the current payment.
Besides, I have some business here downtown.
Good sir, take the Deputy to my house
And with you take the chain and ask my wife
To pay the sum on the receipt thereof.
Maybe I will be there as soon as you.

ANGELO
Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
No, bring it with you, in case I get there late.

ANGELO
Well, sir, I will. You have the chain then with you?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Well, if I do not, sir, I hope you do,
Or else you may return without your money.

ANGELO
Come on, come on, my friend, give me the chain.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Why, give it to my wife and fetch your money.

ANGELO
Come on, you know I gave it to you just now.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Hell, now you run this humor out of breath.
Where’s the chain? Come on now, let me see it. [417]

ANGELO
You know I gave it to you half an hour since.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You gave me none. You wrong me much to say so.

ANGELO
You wrong me more, sir, in denying it.
Either agree to pay this sum for me,
Or I’ll have you arrested by this officer.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Agree to pay for what I never had?
Arrest me, foolish fellow, if you dare.

ANGELO
Arrest him, officer.
I would not spare my brother in this case,
If he should scorn me so apparently.

LA VECINA (to the audience)
¡Les dije! Tuvo que arrestarlo. ¿Dónde están mis cinco?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. grudgingly offers five dollars.

No, no, no. Cinco de cada quién.

Everyone pays up.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I will obey until the bail I pay.
But, buddy, this will cost you more, much more
Than all the jewels in your shop are worth.

Enter DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO from the bus depot.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Jefe, hay un camión con destino a Canadá.
Ya subí nuestro equipaje abordo.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
What “camión” to “Canadá”?
You drunken fool, I sent you for a rope. [418]

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO (miming a rope around his neck)
¿Una cuerda? A otro perro con ese hueso.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Either the words he said my ears mistook,
Or he spoke nothing but gobbledygook.
To Adriana, moron, go straight there:
Give her this key, and tell her in the desk
There is a wad of cash. So let her send it.
Tell her I am arrested in the street,
And that’ll bail me. Go, you fool, be gone!
On, officer, to prison, ’till it comes.

Exit the DEPUTY, ANGELO, and ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
“Wad of cash”? ¿A dónde quiere que vaya por dinero para la fianza?
¿Con Adriana? Ah, ahí es donde comimos — y me comieron.
Pero debo ir, la necesidad me controla.
El perro le manda al gato, y el gato a su cola.

Exit.

LA VECINA
All we’re missing in this telenovela is a case of amnesia, a faked death, or a nun with a past. We’ve already got plenty of twins.

Scene 2

The house of Antipholus of U.S.A. Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA.

ADRIANA
Ah, Luciana, did he tempt you so?

LA VECINA
No me digas que le contaste, mermaid.

LUCIANA (defensively to LA VECINA and the audience)
¡Tenía que contarle! ¿Si estuvieran en mi lugar, con su cuñado tirando mientras que el guitarrista toca música romántica, que hubieran hecho? [419]

ADRIANA
Could you perceive austerely in his eye
If he did plead in earnest? Tell me: yes or no?
Looked he, well, red or pale, or sad or spry?

LUCIANA (to ADRIANA)
First, he denied you had in him any right.

ADRIANA
He meant he gave me none, the more my spite.

LUCIANA
Then vowed he that he was a stranger here.

ADRIANA
And true he vowed, although his vow’s unclear.

LUCIANA
Then pleaded I for you.

ADRIANA

And what said he?

LUCIANA
That love I begged for you, he begged of me.

ADRIANA
With what persuasion did he tempt your love?

LUCIANA
With words that in an honest suit might’ve —
At first he praised my beauty, then my speech.

ADRIANA
And what said you to him?

LUCIANA

Have patience, I beseech.

ADRIANA
No quiero y no puedo hold me still.
My tongue, though not my heart, shall have its will. [420]
Es deforme, chueco, viejo, y marchito.
Su cara es fea, su cuerpo peor, en todo maldito.

LUCIANA
Who would be jealous over such a one?
No evil lost is grieved when it is done.

ADRIANA
Ah, but I think him better than I curse,
And yet in others’ eyes wish they saw worse.

Enter DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, extremely out of breath.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Órale — el cajón — plata — aquí — a key!

LUCIANA
How have you lost your breath?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Por el apuro.

ADRIANA
Where is your boss now, Dromio, can you tell?
Why, man, what is the matter?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿The. Matter?

LUCIANA
¿Cuál es el problema?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
No sé cuál es el problema, pero por eso lo detuvieron.

ADRIANA
¿Detuvieron?

LUCIANA
Arrestaron.

ADRIANA
What, is he arrested? [421]

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Pero, señora, ¿no le mandas la fianza? The wad of cash.

ADRIANA
Go fetch it, sister.

Exit LUCIANA.

This I wonder at: dime, was he arrested with a warrant?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
No, no, fue condenado y encadenado.

ADRIANA
¿Encadenado?

LUCIANA
Chained!

ADRIANA (re-entering with the wad of cash)
What? The chain?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO nods.

ADRIANA
Ve, Dromio, there’s the money. Take it straight,
And bring your boss back home inmediatamente.

As DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO runs out, ADRIANA turns to LUCIANA.

Why do these fools keep speaking to us in Spanish?

The sisters and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO exit in opposite directions.

Scene 3

A public place. Enter ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO, wearing the chain, bonding and high-fiving with the audience.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Cada persona con quien me encuentro
Me saluda como amigo de toda la vida,
Y todo el mundo conoce mi nombre. [422]
Some offer money to me, some invite me,
Some others give me thanks for kindnesses.
Seguro que aquí hay alguna trampa,
Trucos de hechiceros de cuentos de hadas
Que viven en estos Estados Unidos.

Enter DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, out of breath again.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Toma, jefe, la plata que pediste.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿De cuál plata hablas?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
La plata, jefe. ¿La feria? ¿La lana? La plata que la placa quería.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
No te entiendo.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¿No?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Hablas de un policía? Ay, ya, macetón, descansa de los chistes. ¿Salen camiones, o no?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
De eso te avisé hace una hora. Pero antes, aquí están los ángeles que pediste para tu liberación.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
El pobre está loco de remate, y yo también,
And here we wander in ilusión.
¡Que algún poder bendito nos saque de aquí!

Enter the BARKEEP from the bar door.

BARKEEP
Well met, well met, Andrew Antipholus.

LA VECINA
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness … [423]

BARKEEP
I see, sir, you have found the jeweler now.
Is that the chain you promised me today?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Satan, avoid! I charge you, tempt me not.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Ay, jefe, ¿es esta mujer del diablo?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Es el mismísimo diablo, yes.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
No, es aún peor, es la madre del diablo. No te acerques, jefe.

BARKEEP
Your man and you are freaking funny, dude.
Will you come back inside? We’ll finish dinner.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Jefe, si comes con ella, pide una cuchara muy larga.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Por qué, Drómio?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Como dice el dicho, “el que coma con el diablo que lo haga de lejos.”

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Aléjate, demonio! Why tell you me of supping?
Eres una hechicera, como todos los demás.
I compel you to leave me and be gone.

BARKEEP
Give me the ring of mine you took at dinner,
Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Fuera, you witch! Ven, Drómio, vámonos.
Este sueño americano es una pesadilla. [424]

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Si escapamos intactos será una maravilla.

Exit ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

BARKEEP
Now, there’s no doubt Antipholus is cray,
Or else he’d never so demean himself.
And since when can he hablar español?
A ring he has of mine worth ninety dollars,
And for the same he promised me a chain:
Both one and other he denies me now.
Besides this very instance of his rage
Is a mad tale he told tonight at dinner,
Of his own door being locked against his entrance.
Maybe his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the door against his way.
My way is now to go home to his house,
And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rushed into my bar and took by force
My ring away.

LA VECINA
¿Qué, qué? Le va contar a la esposa que su marido enloquecido entró corriendo al bar y se robó su anillo a fuerzas.

BARKEEP
This course I’d better choose,
For ninety dollars is too much to lose.

LA VECINA
¡Es una mentirita, pero like vale los noventa dólares!

Scene 4

A street. Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and the DEPUTY.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
My wife is in a willful mood today,
And will not lightly greet the messenger
That I should be detained like some invader from a caravan — [425]

LA VECINA
Hey!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Some criminal —

LA VECINA
HEY!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Asylum seeker?

LA VECINA
Sí.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I tell ya, it’ll sound harshly in her ears.

Enter DROMIO OF U.S.A.

Here comes my man. I think he brings the money.
Well now, sir, you got what I sent you for?

DROMIO OF U.S.A. presents a rope’s-end.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Here’s what, I warrant you, will pay ’em all.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
But where’s the money?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Why, boss, I gave the money for the rope.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Five hundred dollars, moron, for a rope?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I’ll get you, boss, five hundred at that rate.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
To what end did I bid you rush right home?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
To a rope’s-end, boss, and to that end am I returned. [426]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
And to that end, fool, I will welcome you.

He beats him.

LA VECINA
Don’t you have some other way to communicate?!

DEPUTY
Good sir, be patient.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, it’s for me to be patient.

DEPUTY
Come on, hold your tongue.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, rather persuade him to hold his hands.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You senseless moron!

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I wish I were senseless, boss, that I might not feel your blows.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You are sensible in nothin’ but blows, and so is an ass.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I am an ass, indeed. You may prove it by my long ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it when I leave home, and welcomed home with it when I return.

LA VECINA
Pongámoslo de esta manera: él le pega al otro con demasiada frecuencia.

Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, PINCH, BALTHAZAR, and the BARKEEP. [427]

BARKEEP
Whaddya say now? Is not your husband cray?

ADRIANA
His incivility confirms no less.
Good Brother Pinch, you are a healer —

LUCIANA
Tú sabes de remedios, experto
En la sabiduría pasada por generaciones.
Sánelo, cúrelo de su enfermedad —

ADRIANA
Establish him in his right mind again,
And I’ll reward you what you will demand.

PINCH
Dame tu mano and let me feel your pulse.

He strokes ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.’s hand and chants very seriously.

Sana, sana, colita de rana, si no sanas hoy, sanarás mañana …

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (snatching his hand away)
Give me my “mano” and let it feel your ear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. strikes PINCH.

PINCH
You leave me no choice but to call upon
A salve as strong as iron, as sweet as flan.
Its fearsome properties, since times bygone,
Renowned from Ashland through the Yucatán.
¡Vaporú!

ALL
¡Vaporú!

They all sniff the VapoRub.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
What is that? [428]

BARKEEP
VapoRub!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
No!

LA VECINA gets the audience to join in the worship. PINCH applies the VapoRub to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.

Peace, foolish preacher, peace! I am not cray.

ADRIANA
O, that you weren’t, ¡mi pobrecito!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
You minion, you, did this “companion”
Party at my friggin’ pad today,
While against me the guilty door was locked,
And I denied to enter my own house?

ADRIANA
Ay, marido, God Himself knows that you dined at home!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Dined at home? You moron, what do you say?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Boss, truth to say, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Were not my doors locked up and I shut out?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Hell yes, your doors were locked and you shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
And did not she herself revile me there?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No lie that she herself reviled you there.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
And did not I in rage depart right then? [429]

DROMIO OF U.S.A. (referring to his bruises)
In verity you did; my bones bear witness.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (having a revelation, to ADRIANA)
You went and bribed the jeweler to arrest me!

ADRIANA
Ay Dios, I sent you dinero to release you,
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Dinero by me? Heart and goodwill you might,
But surely, boss, no single dime of money.

PINCH
Señora, both man and menso are possessed;
Lo conozco by their pale and deadly looks.
They must be bound and laid in some dark room
And slathered head to toe en Vaporú.

ALL (sniffing)
¡Vaporú!

They approach ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. like zombies, chanting.

Vaporú … Vaporú … Vaporú … Vaporú …

The crowd engulfs him and begins rubbing him with the VapoRub.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
It burns, but it feels so good!

They continue rubbing him with the VapoRub.

You officer, you: will you stand there and let
’Em make a rescue?

DEPUTY

People, give him back.

He is my prisoner. If I let him go,
The debt he owes will be required from me.

ADRIANA
I will pay it before I go from you. [430]

DEPUTY
Okay.

ADRIANA
Good Brother Pinch, see him safe removed
Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (throwing down his wedding ring)
O most unhappy strumpet!

ADRIANA
Escort him home. Sister, you come with me.

Exit ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A., DROMIO OF U.S.A., BALTHAZAR, and PINCH. ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the DEPUTY, and the BARKEEP stay behind. ADRIANA picks up the ring.

Say now, whose suit is he arrested on?

DEPUTY
Don Angelo, a jeweler. Do you know him?

ADRIANA
I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

DEPUTY
Five hundred dollars.
Due for a chain your husband had from him.

LUCIANA
¡El collar!

ADRIANA
He ordered a chain for me, but never gave it.

BARKEEP
Yeah, but your husband all enraged today
Came in my bar and took my diamond ring away —

LUCIANA
¡O, le quitó el anillo a la dueña!

BARKEEP
The ring we saw upon his finger now — [431]

LUCIANA
¡Es el mismo que hemos visto en su mano!

BARKEEP
Right after then I met him with a chain!

ADRIANA
Come, officer, bring me where this jeweler is:
I long to know the truth of this at large.

Enter ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, brandishing loaves of bread like swords.

LUCIANA
¡Por el amor de Dios! They’re loose again.

ADRIANA
And come armados.

DEPUTY
Away! They’ll kill us.

Exit all but ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
I see these witches are afraid of swords.
Ve al hotel y trae nuestras cosas.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Te digo que ya lo —

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Yo aquí no me quedo, ni por el país entero.
Therefore away, to get our stuff on th’ bus. [432]

ACT 5
Scene 1

A street in front of a chapel. Enter the DEPUTY and ANGELO.

ANGELO
I am sorry, sir, that I have hindered you,
But, I protest, he had the chain from me.

DEPUTY
Speak softly. Yonder, as I think, he comes.

Enter ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

ANGELO
Andy Antipholus, I wonder why
You’d deny this chain which now you wear so openly.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Sé que me la diste.

(catching himself) I never did deny it.

DEPUTY
Pero sí lo negaste, y eres un perjuro.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Quién me ha oído negarlo o perjurar?

DEPUTY
Mis propios oídos, y tú lo sabes.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Sabes qué, carnal? You are a villain to impeach me thus.

He puts the chain in his pocket, ready to fight.

I’ll prove my honor and my honesty

Contra ti presently, if you dare to stand.

DEPUTY
I dare, and do defy you como un canallo. [433]

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Canall-AH.

DEPUTY
Gracias. Canalla.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¡Ey!

They prepare to fight. Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA.

ADRIANA
Wait, hurt him not, for God’s sake! He is mad.
Grab Dromio too, and bear them to my house.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Corre, jefe, corre! Por Dios, a buscar refugio.

He slaps a cross on the door.

Aquí hay una iglesia. Entra o pagamos el pato.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO run inside. Enter from the same door the Mother Superior EMILIA.

LA VECINA
¡Aquí está la monja que le faltaba a esta telenovela!

EMILIA
Be quiet, people. Why now throng you hither?

ADRIANA
To fetch my poor distracted husband out.

LUCIANA
¡Sí, llegamos para sacar a su pobre esposo distraído!

EMILIA
How long has this possession held the man?

ADRIANA
All month he has been heavy, sour, sad,
And much different from the man he was;
But today … [434]

LUCIANA
Bueno, hoy mi cuñado parece otra persona.

EMILIA
Has he not lost much wealth by plunging stocks?
Buried some dear friend? Or has not his eye
Strayed his affection in unlawful love?

ADRIANA
No, none of these —

LA VECINA
¿Qué qué?

ADRIANA

— except it be the last;

Namely, some love that drew him from our home.

EMILIA
You should for that have reprehended him.

ADRIANA
And so I did.

EMILIA

Yeah, but not rough enough.

ADRIANA
As roughly as my modesty would let me.

EMILIA
Perhaps in private.

ADRIANA

And in public too.

EMILIA
Yeah, but not enough.

LUCIANA (to the audience)
Todo lo que mi hermana hacía era regañar a su esposo. [435]

LA VECINA
Te casaste, te fregaste.

ADRIANA
It was the total text of our time together:
In bed he slept not for my urging it;
At meals he ate not for my urging it;
Alone, it was the subject of our talks;
In company I often touched on it;
I always told him it was vile and bad.

EMILIA
And therefore came it that the man was mad.
The venom clamors of a jealous woman
Poison more deadly than a mad dog’s bite.
It seems his sleep was hindered by your railing,
And that’s how comes it that his head is light.
You say his meat was sauced with your lambasting;
Unquiet meals make ill digestion.
You say his play was hindered by your brawls;
Sweet recreation barred, what can ensue
But moody, grim, and comfortless despair?
The consequence is then your jealous fits
Have scared your husband from his use of wits.

LUCIANA
Un momentito.

(to the audience) ¿La Madre Superiora piensa que mi hermana estaba rabiosamente celosa? Es cierto. ¿La sermonea por andar siempre peleando con mi cuñado? Quedó retratada. ¿Pero piensa que por eso él perdió la razón? Está tripeando …

(to EMILIA) She never reprehended him but mildly,
When he demeaned himself rough, rude and wildly.

(to ADRIANA) ¿Por qué aguantas sus regaños en silencio?

ADRIANA
Porque me muestra mis propios vicios.
Good people, enter and lay hold on him. [436]

ALL
Yes!

EMILIA
No, not a creature enters in my chapel.
You see, he took this place for sanctuary.

ADRIANA
No me iré dejando aquí a mi esposo.

She takes off her earrings and prepares for a fight.

And ill it sure appears for your holiness
To separate the husband and the wife.

LA VECINA
Oh damn!

EMILIA
Be quiet and depart. You shall not have him.

LA VECINA (to EMILIA)
Llena eres de gracia … dos señores están contigo.

EMILIA exits through the door.

LUCIANA
Complain then to the Sheriff of this indignidad.

ADRIANA
I’ll take by force my husband from the Mother Superior.

DEPUTY
By this, I think, the sun begins to set.
And soon, I’m sure, the Sheriff comes this way
To have an elder merchant of Mexico
Deported by ICE for his offense.

LA VECINA
Mira dónde vienen. ¡Van a deportar al pobre padre mexicano!

LUCIANA (to ADRIANA)
Speak to the Sheriff before they pass the chapel.

Enter SHERIFF SOLINUS with EGEÓN. [437]

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Yet once again proclaim it publicly,
If any friend will pay the bail for him —

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Si alguien paga la fianza de este hombre —

SHERIFF SOLINUS
He shall not be deported.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
No será deportado.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
So much I value him.

DEPUTY (interpreting)
Tanto lo aprecio.

ADRIANA
Justice, most official Official, against the Mother Superior!

SHERIFF SOLINUS
She is a virtuous and a reverend lady.
It cannot be that she has done you wrong.

ADRIANA
May it please you, sir, Antipholus, my husband,
This ill day, a most outrageous fit of madness took him;
And with his mad attendant and himself, they fled
Into this chapel, where we have pursued them:
And here the Reverend Mother shuts the door
And won’t allow us now to fetch him out.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Years back your husband served with me —

(one word says it all) Iraq.

Now, all of you, knock at the chapel door
And ask the Holy Mother to come to me.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A. from the opposite direction of the chapel.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Justice, most respected Sheriff. O, grant me justice!

ADRIANA
Ay Dios, it is my husband! Witness it,
How he has moved around invisibly.
Even now we housed him in the chapel here,
And now he’s there, surpassing human reason.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Even for the service that long since I did you,
When I served with you in Iraq and took
Deep scars to save your life, now grant me justice.

EGEÓN (aside)
Si el miedo de ser expulsado no me engaña la vista,
Estoy viendo a mi hijo Antífolo y a su Drómio.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Justice, my brother, against that woman there!
This day, my bro, she locked the doors against me,
While she with strangers partied in my house.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
A grievous fault! Say, woman, did you so?

ADRIANA
No, no, my “bro”: myself, he, and my sister,
Today we dined together. So befall my soul
As this is false he burdens me with now!

LUCIANA
Que me trague la tierra si miento,
But she tells you, Officer, simple truth.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Linus, I’m rational in what I say,
Albeit my wrongs might make one wiser mad.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. frantically mimes everything that’s happened to him today: being locked out, the missing chain, his arrest, Pinch’s Vaporú, and their escape. [439]

ANGELO
Sheriff, in truth, thus far I witness with him,
That he dined not at home, but was locked out.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
But had he such a chain from you, or no?

ANGELO
He had, Sheriff, and when he ran in here,
These people saw the chain around his neck.

DEPUTY
And then you fled into this chapel here,
From which, I think, you are come by miracle.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I never came within these chapel walls,
I never saw the chain, so help me Heaven,
And this is false you burden me with now.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Why, what an intricate impasse is this! Young man, what say you?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Sir, he dined with her there, at the — (three suggestive syllables) — Porcupine.

The BARKEEP suddenly appears onstage.

BARKEEP
He did, and from my finger snatched that ring.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (giving the ring back)
It’s true, my bro. This ring I had from her.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Saw you him enter in the chapel here?

BARKEEP
As sure, Officer, as I see you, Officer.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Why, this is strange. Go call the Holy Mother out. [440]

The BARKEEP goes to get the Mother Superior EMILIA and exits into the chapel.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
I think you are all stupefied or else stark mad.

EGEÓN
Señor judicial, otórgame la palabra.

DEPUTY (to SHERIFF SOLINUS)
He wants to speak a word.

EGEÓN
Quizás veo a un amigo que podría pagar mi fianza y dejarme quedar.

DEPUTY (to SHERIFF SOLINUS)
He thinks he sees a friend who could make his bail and keep him here.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Speak freely, Egeón. Say what you will.

EGEÓN
¿No es tu nombre Antífolo? ¿Y no es este tu compañero Drómio?

DEPUTY (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A.)
Are you Antipholus, and you his companion Dromio?

They nod.

EGEÓN
Estoy seguro que los dos se acuerdan de mí.

DEPUTY (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A.)
Don’t you remember him?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I never saw you in my life till now.

The DEPUTY shakes his head “no” to EGEÓN. They don’t recognize him.

EGEÓN
La tristeza me ha cambiado a través de estos años.
Pero díganme, ¿no reconocen mi voz? [441]

DEPUTY (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A.)
Do you recognize his face? His voice?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Neither.

EGEÓN
¿Y tú, Drómio?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, trust me, sir, nor I.

EGEÓN
¡No recuerdan mi voz! Tiempo implacable,
¿Has quebrado tanto a mi pobre lengua
En quince años, que estos hijos míos
Ya no reconocen mi voz arruinada?
Aunque ahora esta cara se desgasta
Y la sangre se congela en mis venas,
El atardecer de mi vida conserva
La memoria, mis lámparas aún brillan,
Mis oídos sordos todavía oyen.
Todos estos testigos — sin equivocar —
Dicen que eres mi hijo Antífolo.

DEPUTY (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.)
He says you’re his son.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
I never saw my father in my life.

EGEÓN
Pero bien sabes, muchacho, que en México hace quince años nos separamos.

DEPUTY (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.)
He says you were separated in Mexico fifteen years ago.

EGEÓN
Tal vez, mijo, te avergüenza verme en tal desgracia.
Son … you are … shamed … to see me? [442]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
This sheriff and all that know me in this town
Can witness with me that it just ain’t so:
I never saw “México” in my life.

DEPUTY (to EGEÓN)
Antífolo jamás ha ido a México.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
I see your age and dangers make you dote.

Re-enter EMILIA from the chapel with ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO.

EMILIA
My community, behold a man much wronged.

All gather to see them.

ADRIANA
I see two husbands, o la vista me engaña.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
One of these men is shadow to the other;
And so of these, which is the natural man,
And which the spirit?

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I, sir, am Dromio. Tell him to go away.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Yo soy Drómio. ¡Que él se vaya, oficial de la ley!

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
¿Padre mío, eres tú? ¿O su fantasma?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
¡Ay, Don Egeón! ¿Quién te tiene esposado?

EMILIA
Whoever bound him, I will loose his bonds
And gain a husband by his liberty.
Dinos, viejo Egeón, ¿eres el hombre
Que una vez tuvo una esposa llamada Emilia, [443]
Quien un día dio a luz a dos hermosos hijos?
Si eres el mismo Egeón, habla,
Y hablarás con la misma Emilia.

EGEÓN
Los sueños, sueños son. Pero si eres Emilia,
Un sueño querido se ha hecho realidad.
¿Qué les pasó a estos niños que desaparecieron
Contigo en aquel día catastrófico?

EMILIA
Después del accidente en el desierto,
Nos recogió la migra de este país,
Me arrancaron a Drómio y a mi hijo,
Dejándome en el medio de la nada.

EGEÓN
¿Cómo te encontraste en este convento?

EMILIA
Necesitaba la seguridad del refugio.

LA VECINA
This undocumented woman went and got herself to a nunnery.

SHERIFF SOLINUS, for whom the DEPUTY has quietly been translating, begins to speak.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Why, here begins his whole backstory story right:
These two Antipholuses, these two so like,
And these two Dromios, each a carbon copy.
These are the parents to these children,
Which accidentally are met together.
Andy, you were taken as a baby by the Border Patrol?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
No, sir, not I. I came from México.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
Wait, stand apart. I know not which is which. [444]

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (putting the pieces together)
That means the Border Patrol took me —

DROMIO OF U.S.A.

And I with him.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Brought to this town by our dear foster father,
Mike Menaphon, your most respected uncle.

ADRIANA
Which of you two did dine with me today?

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Yo comí con usted, amable señora.

ADRIANA
And are you not mi marido?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. (with protective jealousy)
No. I say no to that.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
Y yo también, yet did she call me so.
And this fair gentlewoman, her sister here,
Did call me brother.

(to LUCIANA) Lo que te dije entonces,
Espero poder hacerlo realidad
Si esto no es sueño — pero verdad.

ANGELO takes the chain out of ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO’s pocket.

ANGELO
That is the chain, sir, which you had from me.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
I think it be, sir, y no lo niego.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
And you, sir, for this chain arrested me.

ANGELO
I think I did, sir, y no lo niego. [445]

ADRIANA
I sent you dinero, babe, to be your bail,
By Dromio, but I think he brought it not.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, none by me.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO
This wad of cash did I receive from you,
And Drómio, mi hombre, brought it to me.
I see we still did meet each other’s hombre,
And I was taken for him, and he for me,
And thereupon estos errores did arise.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Woah woah woah, this means I’m … Mexican?!

ADRIANA
Honey, you crossed a border without ever even knowing it. But five generations ago, my family woke up and the border had crossed us!

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Mom! Dad!

 He hugs them each in turn.

This cash I put up for our father’s bail.

SHERIFF SOLINUS
That’s very generous, but the law requires your father pay a hundred thousand dollars.

Beat. Silence. Everyone looks at each other.

Folks, last chance. Or you leave me no choice. ICE is waiting.

LA VECINA
¿Están en serio? ¿Están pidiendo si alguien aquí tiene cien mil dólares en este momento? ¿Después de toda esta trama y drama?

The DEPUTY begins to lead EGEÓN offstage.

(to the audience) ¿Nadie va a rescatarlo?

Beat. [446]

You know what, ya basta. I’m done waiting for others to step in and step up. Cuando era muy joven, they took my father away from me. Lo deportaron a El Salvador. No pude hacer nada. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hug my dad, fight with him y darle coscorrones, and then make up over some pupusas.

(to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. and DROMIO OF U.S.A.) You have that chance. And we’re going to fight for you like I wish someone had fought for me.

(to SHERIFF SOLINUS) These people are mis vecinos … no, they’re our neighbors.

(turning to the audience) Son parte de nuestra comunidad, y los queremos con nosotros. No, we need them here. Tenemos que hacer algo. Yes! We are not powerless. Aunque somos pocos, somos poderosos. ¡Porque el pueblo unido jamás será vencido! The people united will never be divided! Say it with me:

LA VECINA initiates a call-and-response with the ensemble and audience.

¡El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
The people united will never be divided!
¡El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
The people united will never be divided!

(to SHERIFF SOLINUS) See? El pueblo está unido. And, Sheriff Solinus, isn’t it your job to protect and serve the people? Are you going to use your power to tear us apart, or to keep us together?

SHERIFF SOLINUS (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.)
I may get fired, but put away your cash. Your family stays right here.

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. gives the cash to ANGELO, who gives it to the DEPUTY, who then whips off his uniform to reveal his Hawaiian shirt and shorts and picks up a suitcase.

EMILIA
Nuestros queridos vecinos,
And all that are assembled in this place,
That by this sympathetic one day’s error
Have suffered wrong,
Please come with us into the chapel here
And we shall make full satisfacción.
Thirty-three years have I but been in labor
With you and you, my sons, and till this present hour [447]
My heavy burden never delivered.
Mi comunidad, mi esposo, and mis hijos both,
And you the calendars of their nativity,
Go to a baptism feast — un nuevo bautismo — and come with me.
After such long grief, such festivity!

Exit into the chapel all but ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO, ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A., DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO, and DROMIO OF U.S.A.

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Jefe, ¿recojo tu equipaje del camión?

ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.
Huh?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Las cosas que estaban en el hotel.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO (to ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A.)
He speaks to me about our luggage on the bus.

(to DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO) Yo soy tu jefe, babosito.
Ven con nosotros, luego nos encargamos de eso.
Abraza a tu hermano. Festeja con él.

ANTÍFOLO DE MÉXICO and ANTIPHOLUS OF U.S.A. exit into the chapel.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
I think you are my mirror and not my brother:
I see by you I am a sweet-faced youth.
Will you walk in to see their baptism?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Tú primero. Eres mi hermano mayor.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
Am I the oldest? How can we test it?

DRÓMIO DE MÉXICO
Lo confiamos a la suerte. Mientras, ve adelante.

DROMIO OF U.S.A.
No, then, thus: [448]
We came into the world hermano y hermano;
Let’s go, not one before another, but mano en mano.

They exit.

END OF PLAY