Text: The Island of Hermaphrodites, Newly Discovered

Hermaphrodites, may all agree^[1]

I am neither male nor female
And if I were of healthy mind
I would have to choose one or the other
But who cares which one I resemble?
Tis better to have both together
That one might obtain double pleasure.

The Island of Hermaphrodites, Newly Discovered

With the morals, laws, customs,
and edicts of the inhabitants of this land.
“The world is a jester, man a comedy,
one carries the fool’s wand, and the other is folly.”

[Frame narrator]

These are verses, Friend, that the ancients often repeated for us in their works, and that we ourselves have held as truthful when we have closely considered human actions. But without playing the philosopher, let us say that, except for the law of God, everything is worthy of mockery. That if some poor Sybarite^[2] find these terms a little too rough for his delicate ears, and should he wish to contribute some Epicurean paraphrase, may he read this discourse, and perhaps before he arrives at the middle of it, he will find that he himself is but a charlatan.

The new world has produced for us in this new century so many new things, that the greatest number of inhabitants of the old world, despising its own antiquity, have preferred to seek out some new fortune at the peril of a thousand lives rather than content themselves with the old one and live in peace and tranquility. And so desiring high adventures, they encounter more often those in which they end all of their desires without having enjoyed the contentment they sought. But beyond their natural inclination, the continual upheavals that have taken place in Europe for so many years have further persuaded many to leave their ancestral homes for a while, from fear of serving as participants in or spectators of the bloody tragedies that have played themselves out on this vast stage.

So, among these adventurers one of our French men, who had no less valor than prudence, but whose natural goodness had eliminated the power and will to soak his hands in the blood of his own people, chose to risk any other danger rather than to force his own nature in this regard. Thus, he banished himself and, living as a wanderer throughout the world, he saw over the length of many years everything a curious eye could wish. But at last the glorious report of peace (which the people of France acquired by means of the valor and good conduct of the invincible and most noble Monarch who commands them) having spread throughout the world and even to the place he was then, he had a new desire to see his dear country once more and offer due honor and obedience to the person who had acquired and established such a great blessing for it. At his arrival each of his friends and acquaintances visited him, I think as much to learn some news as to rejoice with him at his happy return.

And thus, finding myself with several of these friends I mentioned when they resolved to go see him, I was easily persuaded to make this trip, as I was no less curious than the others. So turning my decision into reality, we found him in one of his homes, just a small distance from where we were, and after the usual welcomes and pleasant greetings, when we had called for a truce of these courteous words (as much friends of superfluity as they are most often enemies of the truth), everyone asked him about the outcome of his voyages, and the rarities, laws, and ways of living that he had seen and noted among such a great diversity of nations. In this he satisfied everyone with as few words as he could: it would have taken him several days to speak of this as thoroughly as he could have done, along with the fact that this would only confirm what we had already learned from books. “But, he said, leaving aside all these nations about which any news already seems trivial, I would like to tell you the story of a people about whom you have perhaps not yet heard.” Everyone thanked him for his good will with very affectionate prayers to do this, and so he commenced in this manner:

[Storyteller]

The length of my peregrination was already beginning to weary me and the burning curiosity of my mind to cool after having visited and studied everything rare and valuable in the lands newly discovered. I decided to stop my wandering and set down roots in some city in the country where I was, when the news of peace between the Kings of France and Spain reached us. One of my friends, who had accompanied me on most of my voyages and who had a strong desire to be welcomed once again by his own people, easily persuaded me to return, so much so that having found a merchant vessel ready to set sail, and headed in the direction of Lisbon, we resolved immediately to seize the occasion and embark. But we had barely sailed a half day with a fairly favorable wind, when the storm and tempest arising shook our vessel with such fury and force that after having been almost buried in waves on this side and that for two days and two nights, with the sea so swollen and agitated that finally our mast was broken, the hull of our ship open to the sea, the hold full of water, and the wheel governed by the wind, our ship finally ran aground in the port of an island we had discovered from afar, with such violence that in one instant it was shattered into more than a thousand pieces. Those inside were abandoned to the mercy of the waves by which some were swallowed up and from which others saved themselves by swimming. But the ship’s pilot, with whom my companion and I had a familiar acquaintance, having long foreseen this danger, saved us with him in a skiff, in such a way that we finally made land.

We were so exhausted and feeble from the travails we had faced that we could barely walk, and so troubled in spirit that at first we could not contemplate the nature of the land where we had landed. But after we had regained our wits a bit, and with knees bent to the ground and eyes lifted to the sky, our souls had sung new Canticles and hymns of thanksgiving to the savior of all creatures, we saw that the ground on which we were walking was entirely floating, and that it wandered aimlessly on this great Ocean without any stability. So, seized with new terror, we did not know what to resolve, finding this fact so strange that we could barely put faith in what we saw. Nonetheless, given that nothing worse could happen than the state we were in, we decided to try our chances and to visit this new terrestrial vessel, which we saw everywhere to be so fertile and flourishing that we thought the fable of the Elysian Fields^[3] to be pure truth and that by some celestial movement they had been transported to these lands so long unknown. Our pilot, who was dying of hunger, who was more accustomed than we were to this type of quest, and who knew how to take without asking, went to seek out food.

In the meantime, we went to contemplate a building fairly close to us, the beauty of which so ravished our spirits that we thought that it was an illusion rather than a real thing. Marble, jasper, porphyry, gold, and a variety of enamels were the least of it,^[4] for the architecture, the sculpture, and the order we saw encompassed in all its parts so drew the spirit into admiration that the eye, which can see so many things in one instant, was not sufficient to take in all that this beautiful palace contained. And as beauty is a thing which ordinarily draws to itself that which seems the most distant from it, forgetting our exhaustion and the trials which we had so long endured, we were tempted, or rather forced by curiosity, to see this rare masterpiece of nature in some detail.

Nonetheless we waited for the Pilot, who returned quickly, carrying enough food to satisfy our hunger, which truly was extreme since we had gone for so long without eating. After having fortified our bodies, and when a bit of our courage had returned to us, we told our provider of our intentions, with the agreement that if by chance we became separated from each other, we would at least do our best to find each other the next day in this same spot. The Pilot, who had already noticed several oddities^[5] on this island and had even learned that it was called the Island of Hermaphrodites, said that he was satisfied with this plan and that while we went off in one direction he would go in the other, and upon our return each would report to his companion what he had learned. And so, we went our separate ways, the Pilot towards the inhabited parts of the island, and the two of us towards this ornate palace, where we arrived after a short while.

We first found a long Peristyle or row of Caryatid columns, which had as their capitol the head of a woman; from there we entered into a great courtyard where the pavement was so lustrous and slippery that we could barely keep on our feet.^[6] Nonetheless the desire to continue made us stumble towards the great staircase, in front of which there was an entryway surrounded by twelve columns, accompanied by a formal doorway so superbly ornamented that it was impossible to contemplate it without being dazzled. Above its architrave an alabaster statue was visible, its body half-rising from the sea, which was pretty well depicted by various sorts of marble and porphyry. This statue was as well-proportioned as could be and held in one of its hands a scroll upon which was written the word Planiandrion.^[7] We hardly dared to leave this spot, we were so full of wonder to observe such a great solitude, as we had yet to encounter anyone since we had entered there. Nonetheless, curiosity gave us the courage to continue, and then we saw a marvelously great multitude of people who came and went from all directions; so we decided to part ways on the condition that we would find each other upon leaving, or at least at the meeting-spot that we had already agreed upon.

Thus, continuing on my route, I climbed about eight steps of the staircase, at the top of which I found an open door on my left, through which several men were entering. One of these men carried a linen cloth and a gilded plate, another a covered dish, and since it was about eleven in the morning, I thought that this might be the lunch of the lord of this place. I found this quite vulgar, given the grand magnificence of the lodging and the multitude of those who were at his service.

I mingled quite boldly with these men, who did not refuse me entry into the bedchamber; for, from what I have learned since, this room was open to all whenever there was daylight, which never appeared before ten o’clock.^[8] As soon as I set foot in the room, I smelled the most pleasant odor imaginable, and just then I saw a little vase in the form of a mosaic censer, from which arose the vapor filling the entire space. This room was very superbly adorned with tapestries, and the furniture there was very rich and costly; but since I wanted to see what had become of my new companions, I did not distract myself too much at that moment by contemplating them.

I saw that they went straight to a large and spacious bed, which, with the space it left between itself and the wall, took up a good portion of the room. Immediately these men all stopped at the foot of the bed with their heads uncovered, waiting for one of them to draw the curtains. But the one who was in the bed began to complain that they had startled him awake, and that it was too early in the morning. His men excused themselves as best they could, and half-opening the windows across from the bed, showed him that the sun had risen. He sat up, still sleepy, and right away they put a little coat of white satin studded with sequins and lined with a material resembling silk velvet on his shoulders.

I had not yet seen who was in the bed,^[9] because neither the hands nor the face was visible. But the one who had put the coat on him came right away to lift a linen cloth that hung very low over the face, and to take off a mask that was not made of fabric, nor was it in the manner of those worn ordinarily by ladies, because it was made of shiny and tightly woven material, upon which it seemed some grease had been spread, and yet it did not cover the whole face, for it was cut back in wave-like curves towards the bottom so as not to damage the beard which was beginning to sprout like cotton on all sides.

Afterwards, one of them took off the gloves that he had on his hands and that he had worn all night, from what I could discern, then one of his men, who seemed to act like he understood more than the others, brought him a towel moistened at one end, with which he very delicately rubbed the tips of his fingers. One presented him with the bouillon that had been brought to him, which appeared to have the form of some sort of gravy or broth, which he drank to the last drop.

After this, he was presented with some candied jellies on another dish, shaped like scrolls, which appeared to have meat mixed into them. After eating three or four of these, he had the rest taken away, and then another moistened towel was brought with which he once again washed and wiped himself and they gave him back his gloves, which he put on his hands.

Then, the valet put his mask back on and lowered the hood over his face, taking off his coat as well. I was astonished that this man burrowed back down in bed, and after covering him, they pulled the curtain back over the bed, saying that he had to try to rest for another little hour. At first I thought that he was sick, but seeing his gaiety, his healthy face, and how he ate with a good appetite, I quickly changed my opinion. As for those who had served him, each retired to go do the same as their master, so that I had to leave at the same time as they did.

But I did not wait around very long without finding shelter, for hearing people speaking close by, I approached the spot to see if I could enter and I was not refused. But barely had I entered the room, when I saw three men who were held by their hair with small pincers^[10] that had been pulled out of certain small chafing dishes, so that one saw their hair all full of smoke. This terrified me at first, and I had all the trouble in the world to keep myself from screaming, thinking that someone was committing some violence against them.

But when I observed them more closely, I realized that no one was doing them any harm, for one was reading a book, the other was joking around with a valet, and another was conversing with a man who called himself a philosopher. You might have said that they wanted to make their hair like those rolls of gauze, it was so tightly wrapped around the pincers, and when the whole ceremony was completed, their heads looked like skies covered in little puffy clouds.

From this room, one could enter into others, which were open so that one could see everything that was going on in them. Some were having little cords, with which their hair had been wrapped in curls, removed from their heads; others were having their heads shaken so hard that you would have thought that it was some tree from which someone had to shake down the fruit. There were others as well about whom you would have said that their hair was done up for neck surgery.^[11]

Each one had several men around the chair in which they were seated, one undoing the work the other had done, yet another holding in his hands a large mirror, still another holding a box full of powder which resembled Cyprus powder^[12] with a fat puff of silk that he dipped into that box, with which he dusted the head of the patient.

When this was finished, yet another came with little iron tweezers in his hand, which he used to pull an abundance of hair from the eyebrows and left only a little sparse trace to delineate the brow. Some used a type of gum made into little loose scrolls like the Spanish wax that Ladies use to seal their letters, which they melted in a flame that was on the table for that purpose; they then applied this to as much of the eyebrow as they wanted to remove, immediately tearing off that gum with the hair, not however dexterously enough that this did not cause a great deal of pain to the poor patient.

While this whole ceremony was taking place, I saw one of them in a corner of the room who, using a certain instrument that they called a “sublimatory,”^[13] made mercury arise in a vapor, which, once gathered and thickened, he brought and applied to the cheeks, the forehead, and the neck of the Hermaphrodite. I saw others who used certain waters, with which they were washed, that had the power to turn a coarse complexion into a delicate one. It is true that I have since discovered that they had another property, which is that, after having brightened the complexion for a while, they turned the face into a ruby mine, thus making a man rich in an instant.

I thought that the rubbing of the lips was the final ceremony, but then I immediately saw another get down on his knees in front of him, and taking him by the beard, pull his jaw down, and then, having moistened a finger in some sort of water that he had near him in a little bowl made of glass, take some sort of white powder, with which he rubbed the gums and the teeth, and then opening a little box, he pulled out some kind of bones, which he placed in the gums, attaching them with a loose iron wire, on the two sides where he could hook them on.

The man who had colored his cheeks came afterwards with a little shell and a brush in his hand, which he used to change the color of his beard, which was almost the color of fire. Someone carried in another type of cloth, fairly light in color, made into the shape of gloves, with which he rubbed the cheeks of the other, who swelled and rounded them, in order to rub off the hair which was growing too abundantly there.^[14] There were those who used a towel to help in the process, but to little effect.

After this had been done, the one who had curled his hair came along with a little piece of metal, which he put into the chafing dish that I mentioned above, and which took the hair off of the upper lip so well that you would have said it was a gutter; and in truth, this invention was not bad in winter, for those who particularly wished to observe the rules of cleanliness. I saw others as well whose beards were being soaped up with certain small balls, which they washed afterwards with certain perfumed waters.

Once this beautiful and precious head was so well groomed, I wanted to withdraw, and thought I had seen all at once everything that was most rare in this place. But I suddenly saw one of his men who brought him puffed and banded breeches to which were attached long silk stockings. He draped them over his arm from fear of ruining them, while someone put other breeches made of a loose cloth on him.

Then they put on those made of silk, and another man came right away, carrying a little pair of shoes, very tight and prettily^[15] cut out. To myself, I mocked the sight of such little shoes, and I could not comprehend in truth how a large and fat foot could enter into such a little shoe, as the natural law wills that the container be larger than that which is contained, and yet here it was the opposite. You might have seen him strike with great blows against the earth, and make everything beneath him tremble with his movement, and then they struck great blows against the end of his foot. This reminded me of those who wish to act out a scene in a comedy. For I saw a man with one knee on the floor and another in the air, upon which he had put a leg, striking with his hand, sometimes the toes of the foot, sometimes the heel, and with a tool made of skin force the foot to enter very tightly into the shoe, as far as it could go. Certain long laces, which were tied up in such a way as to look like a rose or other similar flower, were used hold it even more firmly. A marvelous thing was this foot, as it seemed so large to me before it was shod, and yet was so small afterwards that I could scarcely recognize it and might have taken it for the foot of some griffin. They said that all this was done for the multiplication of bodies, which is no small science in nature.

This task completed, I saw another valet come along holding a shirt. I saw everywhere on the body and on the sleeves of this shirt lots of cutwork embroidery lined with a loosely woven fabric from fear that it might hurt the delicate skin of he who had to wear it, as the cutwork was starched. The man carrying it brought it close to the fire, which was burning brightly. After it was held there for some time, I saw the Hermaphrodite rise, then they took off a long silk robe that he was wearing, and some colored camisoles,^[16] and then his shirt, which was very white. But from what I have learned, they never cease to change this way, day and night, in this country. There are even some (nonetheless rare) who never use the same shirt twice, nor any other linen that they have, as they cannot bear to have something that has been laundered touch them. But those who are not so ceremonious send them out to be bleached, some of them in far-away countries where they know that the inhabitants have an excellent talent for laundry. Others make do with the place where they are, but only after they have sought out the most accomplished in this art.

Once this shirt was put on, the collar was immediately turned up in such a way that you might have said that the head was waiting in ambush. They brought him a doublet, on which there was a sort of little body armor to make the shoulders even, because he had one higher than the other, and right away the one who had given him the doublet turned down the large collar made of cutwork that I described above. I would have almost thought that it was made of some very white parchment, it made so much noise when it was handled. It was necessary to turn the collar down to such a precise length, that they had to raise and lower the poor Hermaphrodite until it was just right; you would have said that they were torturing him. When this was finally in the form that they desired, it was called the gift of the rotunda.

This doublet had a bit of a décolletage in front, as did the shirt, so as to show off the whiteness and smoothness of the chest; but beyond this opening, one also saw some cutwork lace through which the flesh appeared, so that this diversity made the object more desirable. They also deliberately left some buttons undone when they started to button him up, which was not without some difficulty, since the outfit was very tightly fitted to the body. It was said that those who dressed in this manner did it to observe the rules of sobriety and civil conversation when they were at parties; but others who loved good cheer more than good looks dressed in clothing that was a little looser.

Then they began to attach the shirt to the stockings, but first they shook his legs and thighs quite roughly, and it seemed as if they were trying to teach him to move like a Pantaloon,^[17] but this was to straighten out the stocking on the leg and thigh, so that the form might appear more beautiful. But this was nothing compared to the difficulty he had in joining the stocking to the upper pieces of clothing; since both were very short, the garters were as stretched as tightly as a band on a crossbow.^[18]

There were others who had their legs wrapped one after the other, and there was great care taken to make the garters even, so that one side was not higher than the other. After he was put together, someone came to turn up the large, embroidered sleeves that covered one-fourth of the arm, while another arranged the lace of the collar quite meticulously, because it had to be raised up in order to roll it better.

I also forgot to tell you that there was another collar attached to the collar of the doublet, of a different color than that of the doublet, cut out and puffed up everywhere, which folded and turned up in such a way that the collar of the shirt came over it, and it extended far out from the body of the doublet. As all this was being done, certain little Pygmies^[19] came out of the closet nearby, one carrying a silver platter with some kind of compound on it, another held a basin, another a water pitcher, and another a linen folded to a very small size.

This scene resembled the pomp of some ancient sacrificial ceremony, and all that remained to be seen was a victim to be immolated. But all of a sudden, I saw the entire group stop in front of this half-woman, and each bowed low before him.^[20] I thought he had no hands, as I had not yet seen them, but then he pulled them as if out of a case and began to rub them with the compound that was on the platter. After he washed and rubbed for a long time, a man who was said to be a gentleman servant presented him with the hand towel.

After this someone brought him a little box that they called a ring case, in which there were many rings. He ordered that several be taken out and put on his fingers. He also had a small case in which there were several jewels brought to him, from which someone took two pendants which they hung from his ears, and a little chain of pearls mixed with some ciphers, which they put on his arm. Another brought him a large chain that was two or three double strands of pieces of musk, mixed with pearls and little pieces of gold, and joined here and there with oval cut stones, around which had been set many little diamonds. In the middle of the chain there was a pendant that shone all over because of the quantity of precious stones that covered it.

Next, someone brought him a mirror made in the form of a little book, which was put into the right pocket of his breeches, and then they put a hat on him, which covered only the crown of the head, for fear that if it hung lower it would ruin that beautiful hairdo. The cord on the hat was wide, and sewn with pearls interlaced with precious stones, which resembled quite well the headbands that our women were accustomed to wear some time ago. On the side of the hat, there was a large plume, not of feathers, as we normally wear them, but of many precious stones designed in the form of a white heron.

Right away, the man who had put the hat on his head came back with two large perfumed bags, which he carried with hands outstretched, and he presented them to the Hermaphrodite with a low bow. The Hermaphrodite, who had the bag on top lifted for him, took a loosely woven linen which had been on top of the lower one, and put it into one of his pockets.

All of this having been accomplished, one man arrived who had the manner of a maître d’hôtel, and who had two boxes carried in behind him, one of which he took and, after having opened it, he presented it to his Lord-and-Lady, who took certain candied jellies, which he then had wrapped in paper. In the other box there were certain little bits of sugar in a mixture said to be quite excellent for giving some vigor to those who had to carry a heavy load or had to make others do so. He had someone use a silver spoon to put a portion of this into a very daintily ornamented little gilded silver box that was brought to him, in which there was a little spoon of the same material, so that they might be taken more easily. He had this box, as well as the paper with the jellies in it, put in his pocket, where he had placed his handkerchief.

Then someone brought him a little pair of loosely woven gloves that took a long time to put on his hands, so that after he did this they seemed to be glued there. Then they gave him other ones strongly perfumed and with holes hacked into the edges, which were lined with scarlet satin and attached with little silk cords of the same color. This should have been, so it seemed to me, the last ceremony; but I saw that someone put in his right hand an instrument that we call here a fan, which stretched open and folded when one simply gave a tap of the finger. This was made of a vellum with cutwork as delicate as could be and with lace around it made from the same material. It was fairly large, because it was supposed to serve as a sort of parasol to protect oneself from the sun, and to cool this delicate complexion, for we were already fairly far into the summer, the time of very violent heat in this country. Everyone I could see in other rooms also had one of the same material or of taffeta with gold and silver lace around it.

After this, he started to move on his own; for until then he had only moved with the help of someone else. But he shook his body, his head, and his legs so much that I thought that at any moment he would have to fall flat on his face. I was of the opinion that this happened to them, because of the instability of the island. But I have learned since, that it is because they find this manner of walking more beautiful than any other.

The two that I mentioned above came to accost him in the same manner, and after several discussions together that lasted some time, I saw that they were quite stuck, like people who did not know what to do nor how to pass the time. But the Hermaphrodite, whom I had been most curious to see dressed, proposed that they go to see the one whose bedchamber I had entered first. When the others agreed to this, he took one of them by the hand and leaning nonchalantly on his shoulder, they immediately left the room, commanding their pages to follow them.

Some pages carried cloaks all folded on their shoulders, the others carried swords. I asked them if this was the manner of dress of pages in this country; they told me that this was not their gear, and that it was for their masters, who sometimes wore their cloaks. But as for the swords, this was only for appearance, as they never used them unless they wished to act like courageous people against those who would never dare or who did not know how to defend themselves. I believed this readily given their behavior; furthermore, having scrutinized the sword guards, I saw quite well that they were not made to sustain heavy blows. They were very delicately made, some gilded, others damasked. As for the blade, it was no broader or heavier than a whip. The swords were so perfumed that even though they had sheaths of leather covered with velvet the smell never ceased to penetrate them and to diffuse out from them. They claimed that this was the reason that the blows from these swords were favorable, as they were not so sturdily thrust that one would die from them, or if this did happen, at least the death given by such a beautiful sword would be a very happy one.

During this discussion, several of the entourage arrived, with whom I mingled so that I might enter freely and with confidence where they were going (although this was not the forbidden room). But as soon as we entered, they sent for several who sang the most beautifully, as well as for some lute players, who started to play and sing an air. It seemed to me that I had heard the subject of these words in Petronius’s tale of the loves of Trimalchio.^[21]

Once this concert was over, the bedchamber was opened for them, and they entered with the same gait with which they had left the other room: the same man leaning and supporting himself, staggering, on the shoulder of the other, and a third man entering with little jumping steps. You would have said that this was some sort of masquerade. And in truth, they were already well disguised: but they did not undertake any steps other than to go in this manner to the side of the bed.

The rest of us followed, and we found the floor of this room all strewn with roses, wallflowers, and other flowers, very thickly spread, because they said that this greatly relieved the feet of the one who was the lord of this place, which would otherwise be injured by the floorboards when he walked on them. All of the windows on the side of the setting sun were open, and the bedcurtains pulled in such a way that one could see part of what was happening in the bed.

This bed was clearly one of the most richly decorated that one could ever see, for the canopy^[22] was formed in squares, of which the base was made of cloth of silver, enhanced with gold and silk, where the history of the ancient Caeneus^[23] was represented, whom one saw quite simply transform sometimes into a woman and immediately after become a man once more. The bedposts were made of gold decorated with colors in relief, as was the second canopy; for they could not sleep in this country under a simple cover of squares made of openwork. On the bed was a great coverlet with bars of green velvet, ornamented with gold or silver sequins, with the bars in a zigzag pattern, which was a hieroglyphic secret of the country. It fell to within a foot of the ground, and underneath it you could see a bed skirt of the same material.

In the middle of the bed one could see a statue of a man half out of the bed, wearing a bonnet made almost in the same form as those of little babies newly dressed, but with only this difference, that instead of the knots that one customarily placed in the slits, there was curled, arranged, and powdered hair. He wore camisoles of rose-colored satin, embroidered in rainbow hues, on which the loves of Hadrian and Antinous were depicted.^[24] All of the tapestries in the room represented the same history in detail and with larger human figures, and so the room had the name “the altar of Antinous,” as I learned afterwards.

His face was so white, so shiny, and of a red so striking, that one could well see that there was more artifice than nature involved, which led me easily to believe that this was only a painting. He had a starched ruff, pleated with large cylindrical pleats,^[25] at the edge of which there was large and beautiful lacework. The sleeves were pleated in the same fashion, and as for the vests, they were quite loose and spread very widely on the bed. His hands were uncovered, and he had several rings on his fingers that shone marvelously. Under his arms, there were two embroidered pillows of crimson satin. Under the bed was a large footstool, and at the bedside there were many seats with the same ornamentation as the bed, and covered in the same manner.

To this bedside went the three people I have described above, and they began to invoke this idol by names that cannot be well represented in our language, because the entire language and all of the terms of the Hermaphrodites are the same as those which Grammarians call the common gender, and are linked as much to the male as to the female.^[26] Nonetheless, since I desired to know what conversations they were having there, one of their retinue, to whom I had sidled up, and who knew Italian well, told me that they were extending a thousand praises to her perfections, and that among other things, they were strongly praising the beauty and whiteness of her hands.^[27]

But all of their speeches did not move her, for she remained mute and immobile until the one I had seen dressed from foot to head came and ran his hand over his face, as if to caress him.^[28] But suddenly that thing which^[29] I had thought mute and without life, began to speak and with very effeminate words, nonetheless with disdain and disgust, said to him: “Ah, you are annoying, you are ruining my ruff.” The other immediately, with all the humility and submission that he could muster, begged him to forgive him with many persuasive words that I could not keep listening to, inasmuch as he mixed in many words of selfless love and brotherhood that horrified my ears.

Also, not wishing to interrupt their mysteries, nor to be polluted by the sight of such sacrifices, I withdrew from that bedchamber so as to enter another which was next to this one, and which I found to be much more richly furnished. For one saw everywhere in that room gold, pearls, and precious stones. Someone said that it had been constructed in imitation of the hall of the King of China, that is in his Palace in the city of Shuntian,^[30] or celestial city, that we others have named Quinsay, where he gives audience to the ambassadors of great princes.

As soon as I had entered, I saw a Hermaphrodite, done up about in the same way as the other, who was in the bed in the other room, and four or five around him, similar to those I had just left. He had just gotten out of bed, and they put a large dressing gown on him, made of a very rich material that was not common in this country, and which was bordered by embroidery with pearls a half-foot across. I also saw slippers of velvet carried to him, embroidered and with pearls scattered over them; there were even precious stones in several places.

As soon as they had put his robe on, two of his closest favorites picked him up under the arms and led him about twenty feet. At that moment I saw the tapestry lifted by one of the others who followed him, and a door opened through which they entered one after the other. I wanted to follow them, because it seemed to me that everything was permitted and that entry should not be forbidden to me in any place, given the ease of access that I had encountered up to this point. But someone said to me that there they held their most secret councils, and dealt with their private affairs, such that no one had access there, except for the closest (most familiar) courtiers. They call this room by a name like our word wardrobe.So, leaving them there, I amused myself by contemplating the richness and excellence of the tapestry, which seemed to me to be nothing but riddles. For, in the first panel^[31] on which I cast my gaze, I saw a man dressed in Roman fashion, with a triumphal robe, and around his head was a Diadem covered in precious stones. He had climbed onto a little enclosure a bit like a podium. Around him there was a great multitude of women whom he seemed to be lecturing; around them, there was a Latin word that meant “companions in arms” in our language. In another panel, I saw this same man stretched out all naked on a table, with many around him who had various sorts of surgical instruments and who were doing everything they could to make him become a woman. But from what I could judge from the continuation of the story, he remained neuter.^[32]

In yet another, one saw men tied onto several wheels that turned in and out of the water, and around this was written in the same language, Ixionic friends.^[33] In the panel immediately following that one, I saw these same men seated at a table, to whom someone was serving all sorts of dishes, but they were only of wax, of painted wood, of ivory, of marble and of stone. For each course, they were made to wash their hands as if they were dirty. They were very frequently brought drinks, even though they had not eaten anything. I found all this very amusing, but the other panel which came after this one was about a sadder subject, for there were a number of men seated on beds in the manner of the others, to whom much drink was being given, so as to intoxicate them. Then, the lights were extinguished, because it was night, and immediately someone let in bears, lions, and leopards, from which the claws and teeth had been removed, so that most of these poor people died of fright, not knowing the secret of this mystery.^[34]

I wanted to finish looking at the remainder of this story but seeing one of the palace servants who seemed to have an approachable manner, I thought it would be more worthwhile to learn what all of this meant. Concluding that he knew the Latin language, given that I had heard him say several words to the others here and there, I asked him in that same language to explain these figures which were represented here, which he freely offered to do, telling me in a word that this bedroom was called the altar of Heliogabalus, and that it was his life that I saw depicted there. I believed him right away, remembering what I had read about this Roman emperor previously; in addition, casting my gaze a little farther, I saw several of the more dissolute actions that this monster had committed. He wanted to continue to describe it to me, but I told him that I had already heard about him, and that I would rather learn something that I had not yet heard, than something that I already knew.

Thus, knowing that I was a stranger newly arrived in that country and desirous to learn new things, he said that he was happy to satisfy my curiosity in some way. Telling me to follow him, he led me to a place next to the bedside, where, lifting the tapestry, he opened a door through which he had me enter. But in passing beside him, I asked him what story was depicted in the bed canopy,^[35] which was even more ornamented than the previous one. He told me that it was the marriage of Emperor Nero with his favorite, Pythagoras.^[36]

So, moving further along, we entered a fairly large gallery, of medium length, in which there were many paintings on one side and the other, among which I noticed the rape of the Sabine women,^[37] the paternal affections of Artaxerxes with his daughter Atossa.^[38] There were paintings of those who accompanied Marc Antony and Cleopatra in death, the misfortune of the poor adolescent Acteon,^[39] not of the one who was transformed into a stag but the one who was torn to pieces by his lovers. The lascivious occupations of Sardanapalus,^[40] the meditations of Aretino^[41] concerning the metamorphoses of the gods, and other such infinite representations were depicted in a very lively and natural manner.

At the end of this gallery, there was a covered entry made of very delicately carved woodwork and supported by two Satyrs. Above the architrave was the good father Liber,^[42] his head surrounded with vine leaves, and many grapes which hung on all sides. From his two hands two scrolls written in Latin unfurled in one direction and the other, and from the mouths of the Satyrs also extended two scrolls inscribed in the same language concerning this big disdainful^[43] man. One scroll asked him “Who is Free?” and he responded “He who is allowed to lead his life as he wishes” on his own scroll. The other Satyr asked him another question as well, in these terms, “What to you is the highest good?” and he responded, as to the other, “To have always lived with my skin bathed in perfumes and constantly cared for day and night.” In the frieze these words were written: “Continue to live as a contemptuous man, if you wish to live with God.” Reading all of this made me think that I would see here something more rare than all that I had seen before, so that, having become more curious than ever, I followed my guide with a great desire to see all of the secrets of this place, since the opportunity presented itself.

And so, continuing on my way, I saw an infinite number of rare things, which I would take too long to recount here in any detail, for the place was large and completely filled with objects that were more intriguing than useful; also, they were collected and arranged for the sole purpose of pleasing the eyes. In that room were a number of folding chairs that could become longer, wider, lower or higher by means of gears, however one might want them.^[44] This was a Hermaphroditic invention newly discovered in this country, for from what I have learned they occasionally studied Mathematics, but to learn about terrestrial movements rather than celestial ones, about which they know nothing other than to mock them.

There were a thousand other sorts of inventions of this kind that I will leave aside, in order to tell you that I saw on one side of the room twelve alabaster statues depicted in a natural way, as if brought to life by reincarnation, all seated in chairs made in the form of a curule seat.^[45] It is true that the four in the middle had seats that were placed higher up, representing some form of throne, for two of them were raised even higher, and closer together than the others, which made something close to the figure of a square seen in perspective. All of these statues were very richly decorated, and it seemed clear from the great attention that had been paid to them that they were very dearly worshipped and respected. Their clothing and ornaments were combinations of those for one and the other sex, and one could not distinguish which suited them better. Their names were inscribed on their diadems, and the four on the right side were named Antony, Nero, Otho, and Vitellius.^[46] On the left hand were the four others, Galen, Sporus, Demetrius, Apicius.^[47] The two who were less elevated did not have any diadems, but one had an eagle next to him and was beardless, which made me guess that he was Ganymede also (I also saw his name written at the foot of his seat). The other had something like two faces in one, with one side that of a man, and the other of a woman. At his feet was the phrase: “Hermaphroditus the patron deity of this Island.” The two others above were called, first the one on the left hand, “Sardanapalus father of Hermaphroditus,” and the one which was on the left hand, “Heliogabalus, the inventor and restorer of pleasure.”

I smiled to myself at the choice these people had made for their gods and estimated that their lives were not dedicated to generating much melancholy nor to preaching penitence. And as I was meditating on this, the man who was guiding me showed me a large, nicely bound book beside the statue of Heliogabalus, all written in gold letters, which was displayed on a pulpit so that those who came to this place could see at all hours what was contained in it. He told me that this was the book of laws and customs of the inhabitants of the Island, which the emperor had instituted, and to which they had since added some particular ones, as necessity required; opening it, I saw that he had told me the truth. But there was a lot of writing, and I could not read it all because the dinner hour was drawing near. He told me that the inhabitants of this Island favored foreigners above all others, as those from whom they could learn many new ways and who could make their fame spread through all the universal world. And because one is always glad to know the customs of the country they visit, they revealed things that were previously secrets here and there in many books. But since then, they decided that for greater ease and in order to further foster their friendship and good will, and always attract even more people to these countries, they would make a summary of all of the most necessary laws and customs to know, those which they judged to be the most appropriate to introduce to the universe. So they always had several copies all ready for those who might be curious. And I, no less curious, entreated him insistently to give me one, which he did, opening a door where there was a little closet, where there were several armoires, on some of which there were books and on others many papers. On some of these there were Pasquinades,^[48] Satires, and other sorts of poetry, and on others there were the copies of the laws. He gave me one in Latin, which I have since translated into our language, as you could see in this paper, if it pleases you to read it.^[49]

[Frame narrator]

And on that, having had a little chest carried in, he (the storyteller) pulled a paper out of it, where we found the following text:

[Text Translated by Storyteller]

Summary of the Laws,
Statutes, Customs, and Decrees
of the Hermaphrodites

Emperor Varius, Heliogabalus, Hermaphroditic, Gomorrah-like,
Eunuch, and always the Most Shameless.^[50]

We desire to elevate the proud republic of the Hermaphrodites, which seemed to have been annihilated under the Empire of Trajan, Antoninus Pius, Marcus Aurelius, Severus, and others among our fanatical and imprudent predecessors. And inasmuch as every well-advised man should believe this republic to be the finest, the most delightful, the most corporeal, and the best conforming to both exterior and interior senses, and one that knows better how to accommodate itself to human passions that exist in the rest of the world, in these times he will judge it worthy of commanding the entire universe. And if some impertinent individual wishing to establish his chimerical opinions seeks at some time in the future to uproot that which has been established with so much contentment and pleasure, we have deemed it very necessary to give our people some laws and decrees, so that they can conduct themselves according to these in perpetuity, revive their monarchy and enable its reign over the world, whatever regulations (which our adversaries call piety and religion) one might wish to advance. We do this in accordance with the counsel of our very honored Lady and mother Varia and of our very cherished and well-loved wife Semiamira,^[51] and on the advice of our most beloved Hermaphrodites, members of our Senate, and other officers and voluptuous subjects of this our Empire. By our very certain knowledge, full power and authority, we have established, instituted, and decreed, and we establish, institute, and decree that which follows.

Decrees Concerning Religious Matters

May the ceremonies of Bacchus, and Cupid, and Venus be continually and religiously observed here, all other religions banished in perpetuity, unless it is for the purposes of greater pleasure. Nonetheless, we do not prevent reconciliation with other religions, as long as this is in appearance, and not in belief.

The greatest sensuality shall be taken in this Empire to be the greatest sanctity and conservation of life, and we say the point of honor consists in this, as it is all valor and magnanimity. That which some call presumptuous vanity shall be held to be a perfect knowledge of the self. May that which the delusional have named impudence, be reputed among us as kindness, as serious confidence, and as bold civility.

And nonetheless because of slanders arising from small tribes that are directed at us regularly in all of the countries of the world, we must accommodate ourselves to the imperfections which are to be found among these populations, in order to win over the goodwill of nations. We advise all of our subjects, when they encounter those who make a big deal of piety, which should be as rarely as possible, to speak with great zeal of religious devotion. When they are with these Hercules and Caesars, that they should be even more Rodomonte in words,^[52] than the others are bold in deeds, as long as they feel supported and seconded,^[53] otherwise all this bluster would be transformed into ridicule. As for impudence, we intend it to be done with discretion, with regard to whom one is addressing, whether in words, in voluptuous acts, or those of vanity, for fear of being exposed to some danger.

We wish and intend that all those words of conscience, temperance, repentance, and others concerning similar subjects be held in substance as well as in the words themselves for vain and frivolous things. On the contrary, we wish that these words alone have currency among us, that is, liberty, prodigality, disdain for religion, and others that are more appropriate and more in conformity with our State.

Let no one have any thought of death, or trouble their spirit, as to whether there is another life.

We esteem good looks and appearance in all things, much more than action, all the more because it covers up more consequences with less difficulty. This is why we exhort our subjects, of whatever estate, quality, or condition, to acquire such looks, as artificial as they can be, and to prefer this to any other virtue.

Let desire be taken as reason everywhere in our Empire, without it being permissible to elevate oneself above the senses or to contradict or resist them in any way, on pain of being taken for an enemy of oneself and of one’s true nature and of being deprived of all happiness.

Those of our subjects who might wish to attend public prayers (because this law is voluntary) may sit, and keep their heads covered, if it seems right to them, during any mystery that might be dealt with there, unless someone wishes to uncover themselves due to the heat, or from fear of ruining the curl in their hair. For then he can give his hat to some page or lackey. If someone wishes to convey some respect and wishes to worship, we forbid him to bend more than one knee, under which someone will place a velvet pillow, or some tufted cushion, stuffed with cotton, for fear that he might hurt it on the ground. But above all, let him remain only a very short time, for this would tire him out and get in the way of his proper devotion.

We very expressly forbid those who wish to remain standing to stay in one place, or even in the same posture. For the proper decorum of the subjects of this State is to be always in action, and to have perpetual motion in them, either of the head, or of the body and the legs, and above all we hold the jumping and shaking manners of movement to be the most pleasing and proper.^[54]

Each one will have a book in his hand, very delicately bound, gilded, and embossed, half an inch thick, and the length of a half a foot, or thereabouts, no longer, nor thicker, nor larger, for fear that this might weigh too much for the hand, and might tire someone who would want to read it. This book will deal most often with love, or something to do with pleasure, but nonetheless they will look at it rarely. Rather, they will converse fairly loudly, some with others, about good food and drink, about love, and about other pleasurable things. We even hold that laughter is in this case part of proper conduct, as long as it is not continual.

Those who have any mistress or male friend, may engage with them in Churches, which can be found in other countries, pray to them, kneel before them, plead with them to make them more sympathetic to their intentions, by all sorts of gestures and words, which they will think necessary for this effect. So that if they find them favorable to what they desire, they can seize the occasion, without any scruples or reverence for the place where they may be, given that the venereal mysteries are preferable to any others.

And in order to encourage our subjects more and more to that which concerns sensuality and pleasure, which we hold to be our greatest good, we have raised the ancient Sacred Band of Thebes everywhere in our Empire.^[55] But inasmuch as we hold the life of one of our subjects more dear and more precious than the death of a thousand of our enemies,^[56] we have added only this difference from those who wished to acquire fame by exposing themselves to all sorts of dangers: we wish that our people fight only in an enclosed field so that they might be more promptly helped in case of any accidents that might occur.

Since we are always clean, and purified of all sorts of devotions, elevations, contemplations, and other nonsense and inventions of our opponents: there will be no other ablution (ritual washing), nor any other holy water at any of the notable moments of this our Empire. There will only be pretty words, courtesies, and beautiful promises that we will exchange with each other, without however obliging one to say or to reveal what one truly believes in one’s soul or accomplish what they have promised, unless force or necessity constrains them to do so.

Of all the months of the year, May shall be a holiday, and no one may perform any spiritual or manual labor during this month, unless he is by chance reduced to an undesirable state. He may be permitted to do so only on the condition that he will continually have in mind the mysteries of Cupid and Venus, and exert himself to undertake them on every occasion that might present itself. Let the festivals of Kings and of Lent be consecrated to Bacchus and have the most celebrations in the whole year. The festivities^[57] will last for weeks rather than days, nonetheless with permission during the last week, which those who are more rustic and less astute call holy, to feign some reformation, still with the firm intention never to change their manner of living and to return to the usual activities as soon as their superstitions have reached their end.

We also urge, and very expressly command those who are of the highest dignity and those for whom wealth and abundance cannot be lacking to continue the bacchanals at their house and with their most intimate friends the entire year. And if they cannot be celebrated during the day, because of their rank, at least they might be observed with ceremony at night.

Those who have fewer resources can celebrate as many feast days as they wish, according to their piety and their means. For the days that the ancients called feast days are condemned everywhere in this Empire, as enemies of human rest, pleasure, and contentment. If some are observed, it is by leniency, and not by express command, thus only for the good and benefit of our poor subjects, in the hope of their someday shaking the yoke of poverty. For we prohibit them very expressly to have any workdays, but to keep the entire year as a continual celebration.

The ordinary ministers of the temple will be singers, dancers, actors, and comedians, and all those of the same cloth. Preachers will be chosen among the most lascivious poets, without others being able to exercise this vocation. For we hold as profane heretics and schismatics all those who write about or proclaim modesty, sanctity, or who by means of their Satires wish to mock our way and manner of living.

The books which will be the most commonly read, and from which one will take the subjects for moral guidance will be Ovid, Catullus, Tibullus, Propertius,^[58] translated into many different languages, according to the usage of nations. One will be able to add to this Aristophanes,^[59] Anacreon,^[60] Gallus,^[61] and others writing about similar subjects.

We wish these ministers to sing songs taken from books titled “Dainties,” “Follies,” and “Happy Trifles,” unless someone has written some verses representing the violence of their martyrdom to convert the heart of the man or woman he loves and to incite some compassion in the beloved. For then they will be permitted to have them sung by these ministers at night, or at some other hour of the day, as they judge most appropriate for their contentment and according to the mood of the man or woman that they pursue.

Moreover, we have no intention that there be any superior rank among these ministers, and we wish that each have such a good opinion of himself that he estimates himself to be as capable as, or more than, his companion. Nonetheless, we desire and urge all of our subjects to offer more reverence and honor to those among them who will know how to express the most secret mysteries of love most delicately and lasciviously.

And since it is principally through these experts in love that our Empire can maintain, increase, and extend itself, it being very reasonable that they resent the spoils enjoyed by their enemies and ours, desiring to gratify them generously in any way that is possible for us and to recompense them for their labor in some way, we wish and intend that beyond the ordinary gifts and presents that each of our subjects might give them when they employ them for the relief of their passions, these benefices that are commonly called Abbeys and Priories be particularly assigned to them. In this way, the sum of the revenue might be employed for the growth of this State, without anyone having delegated authority over them or using the words “incapacity,” “incapability,” and “simony” with regard to them, but only against our adversaries.

As also we intend that there be everywhere in the world many lay Bishops, secular priests, and other beneficiaries, profiting from the soul but taking it into account^[62] only so that they might enjoy their benefices,^[63] contenting themselves only to create a pension from it for some poor miserable soul, under whose name they can hold it in all confidence, using the surplus for their pleasures and spending it voluptuously and prodigally, wasting more in one year than they possess and more than the true title owners have in twenty years.

By grace and special privilege, we permit clergymen who wish to convert to our ways, and live according to our laws, statutes, and royal decrees, to sell to members of their diocese or parish the things they consider the most sanctified, to go as little as possible to their dioceses and other places under their jurisdiction, but to frequent only the most famous temples of this our Empire. We also permit them to live in ignorance of the Scriptures that some call holy, without being forced to offer instruction to those for whom they are responsible. If they are knowledgeable about something, we exempt them from belief. Nonetheless, we think it good that they use their knowledge only to distinguish themselves. We wish that they might renounce in themselves all vows and professions of faith that they might have made, urging them only to have a good time and to pass their adulthood in magnificent ceremonies and in delights, and their old age in banquets, good meals, and other supernatural pleasures. Nonetheless we wish that they be involved and employed in all worldly matters, provided that the greatness of their courage, which our opponents call ambition, draws them to these pursuits, and that this does not deprive them of their pleasures.

Also, so that those seeking catechism in our religion might be instructed in a few words about all of its substance, we have edited all that it contains into eight articles, as brief as we could make them.

Articles of Faith of the Hermaphrodites

1. We know nothing of creation, redemption, justification, and damnation, unless it is to make a good impression, in words alone, and only to trick our adversaries and accommodate us to the times.
2. We do not know if there is any temporality or eternity of the world, nor whether someday there must be an end, for fear that this might trouble our spirit, and cause us a fright.
3. We do not know of any Divinity other than Love and Bacchus, who we say exist essentially in our desire, to which we render all honor.
4. We do not know of a providence superior to human matters and believe that everything happens by chance.
5. We do not know of any paradise other than one’s temporal pleasure, which we say can be realized by the senses. This is why we seek them and cherish them above all other things.
6. We do not know of any other life than the present one, and believe that after this one, everything is dead for us. This is why we make every effort until the last day to give ourselves all of the pleasure that we can imagine.
7. We do not know of any other spirit than that which we are persuaded of by the pleasure we believe makes itself apparent in our passions and affections. That is why we hold fast to them as much as we can.
8. We do not know whether that which is found on earth might sometimes serve celestial life, according to what some say. This is why we hold as folly any other communion than that which is found in our assemblies, which we believe cannot be maintained by any other means than the ancient doctrine of the Gnostics.^[64]

We swear and solemnly declare^[65] that we will live and die in this belief, on the pain of being taken for religious bigots, superstitious, and unwise, and to pass our whole life in continual anxiety without any tranquility.^[66]

On that which Concerns Justice and
Officers of the State

As for the Justice which should be shared among our subjects, we wish and intend that those who observe point by point these present laws and decrees may live in all liberty, freedom, and security that can be desired, without fear of being convicted in court, whatever crime they might commit. We also forbid the knowledge of their actions by all officers of the law (if they are not particularly and especially delegated by the sovereign, for some very noteworthy case, where it is a matter of his life and of his status).

This is why we do not hold homicide to be a crime, even when the enemy has been taken at a disadvantage; on the contrary, we wish that those who have had the boldness to take vengeance for some insult, however little it might be, and in whatever manner it might have been delivered, might walk with their head held high before everyone, with the reputation of a gallant and valiant Hermaphrodite.

We exempt nonetheless all those who are considered the biggest braggarts from the perils and dangers of war, with permission to retreat to safety whenever there is danger, and to avoid all confrontation with the enemy when the armies are equal in strength.

Patricides, matricides, fratricides and other actions of this sort, will not be pursued by the law against our citizens, provided that they will have increased their wealth and properties. If some more scrupulous sorts abstain from shedding the blood of their relatives, they should at least pray for the shortening of their lives, believing that it is not at all reasonable for some doting old man or someone of a rustic condition to possess that which one of our fine gallants merits.

As for duels,^[67] we intend that they be engaged in as rarely as possible, and only when one of our people has been taken off guard. Nonetheless, we wish that the matter be known in many places and that it reach even the attention of the Prince of the province where this happens, so that through friends or by authority it can be stopped with honor. And if by chance several blows are landed, that a “stay” might save a life. Those others, who engage in duels in any other way, we deem to be indiscreet and brainless.^[68]

We also wish that that which our opponents call adultery be in fashion and held in honor and good reputation everywhere in this our Empire, as a thing that is very necessary for the maintenance of our subjects, without husbands being less esteemed in any way for this; on the contrary they will be honored and favored. And so we hold the name of Cuckold to signify an elevation and increase in dignity, just as the ancient Hebrews understood it,^[69] rather than a degradation or disdain. On the contrary, we wish that a husband be respected in proportion to the number of horns he wears, just as hunters do with stags. We also intend that our people ask each other: “How many does that one carry?” so that they can give him the honor due to him. We also wish that those who can plant such horns by their hard work, good conduct, and for their own great benefit will be considered the wisest.

If there is some husband who is jealous of his wife, while he merits some punishment for such a great crime, we permit them nonetheless to carry the key to their wives’ lock, and to keep them closed up as often as they can, provided that there be some little opening through which the rain of Danaë can enter.^[70] We intend that those who are selected to be the guards of these wives, or to serve as spies, serve as a means to corrupt them. Likewise, we wish that the wives not limit themselves at all to that which their husbands tell them to do, but that they give themselves as good a time as they can, and we nonetheless advise them to behave as secretively as possible, for fear that an accidental apoplexy might overcome them, or some supernatural heart trouble.^[71]

We grant as coats of arms to these said husbands three sprigs of patience in a song of “Cuckoo,” with permission to carry these said arms stamped in the form of the massacre of a stag.

If some old man marries some young girl, we want her to be able to help herself by using the law of Lycurgus the Lacedemonian,^[72] and she whose husband will be too cowardly and timid shall be able to use the law of Solon.^[73]

Ravishment, rape, and other gallant acts will be held in good reputation everywhere in this Empire, as long as one is dealing with those who are of greatly inferior status and that the crime results more in fear of the aggressor than in hope of justice, whenever a complaint is brought forward.

As concerns incest between father and daughter, brother and sister, son-in-law and mother-in-law, and others, which the stupid and the ill-advised hold to be such a great crime, we wish and intend that one might engage in this with all freedom and liberty, given that this concerns and augments families that much more, if any consanguinity can be distinguished among them.

We also permit fathers and mothers to traffic their children to serve as a sacrifice to love, provided that this is to some great man who pays them well for it, and upon whom they can found good hope.^[74]

We wish and intend that the Ambassadors, agents, ministers, prosecuting attorneys, and other negotiators for the business of love be sought after, prized, and admired by all of our subjects. And in order to encourage them even more to fulfill the duties of their posts, we wish that they be enriched and elevated to the most honorable ranks. And as for women who become involved in similar work, we wish that they might have their master key,^[75] and that they be designated by the name “Mother Dame of Honor” and other similar names. We command all of our subjects to recompense them well and favorably, and to let them enjoy all sorts of privileges, freedom, and immunity. If one or another of this quality, men and women, are passing on the street or going somewhere, we forbid everyone, of whatever condition or quality they might be, to say “peep peep” or any other words of mockery, on pain of being hoodwinked by all sorts of people worthy of disdain, and to be held to be uncivil people and without discretion.

We do not intend at all that there be among our subjects any degrees of consanguinity, except in matters of goods and possessions, and for this consideration we have maintained the names of brother, sisters, uncle, nephew, first cousin, and others. We do not believe that in consideration of blood anyone can say that they belong to one family rather than another, because of the multitude of fathers that everyone might have, and the suppositions that could be made. This is why we abolish from now on and forever these names of father, mother, brother, sisters, and others, and so wish that only those of Monsieur, Madame, or others of similar honor, be used, according to the custom of various countries.

From this day forward, we very expressly prohibit and proscribe the use of the name of bastard or whoreson. We have from this moment and forever declared them to be true and legitimate heirs, particularly those who have been conceived in adultery, as our adversaries have called it, without needing letters from a Magistrate, whether secular or ecclesiastical, since the name of the husband serves well enough as recognition of legitimacy.

And once again, we hold marriage to be a ridiculous thing, and utterly contrary to our desires and wishes, dissipating the affections more often than it maintains them. Nonetheless inasmuch as it facilitates taking on a second lover, we have permitted its use, given that under this cover things are more easily concealed, that otherwise would be divulged to everyone.

We permit the most gallant among us to play at being courageous and to make themselves prettier at the expense of others, borrowing from everyone without having any intention of repaying. If some importunate creditor of bad character wishes to torment them by procedures and wrangling to regain that which might be due to them, we very expressly command all of our judges to give them as many delays as they know how to demand. If on occasion they are constrained by the importunity of these creditors, who seek to condemn them to a certain sentence, and, once the term has expired for lack of payment, these adverse parties wish to put them in a secure place and hidden away or seize them or their possessions, we permit them to repulse this outrage by rebellions, violence, revolts, and other assaults to intimidate more and more their enemies, without having to fear being pursued in the future for anything that they might have done.

Those who will have usurped from others lands, rents, lordships, money, furnishings, and other things, will not be subject to restitution,^[76] but will hold them by main force if they have taken them from their inferiors, without the others daring to complain, if they do not want to throw their good money after bad and put their life in danger after having lost their property.

As concerns the differences which our subjects might have with each other, we wish that he who has the most authority, friends, riches, and status be the one who wins his case, however unjust his rights might be, and we wish that which those who censure our actions call favor and corruption be accepted as justice everywhere in this Empire.

This is why we permit all our judges and officers, who will be from the number of our most faithful and affectionate subjects, to take with both hands, judge a book by its cover, feign a deficit or keep something important quiet, assume that false titles are true, and remember only the reasoning of those for whom they wish to render justice. They should favor, rearrange, and reform sentences or judgments that will have been handed down, declare openly the secrets and opinions of the assembly, deliberately omit many things from inquests and interrogatories, teach false witnesses their trade, prolong the deliberations or speed them up according to what is useful for their friends, and other inventions necessary to the duties and exercise of their posts, without having to fear being held accountable for all this, or fear any Mercuriale,^[77] inasmuch as in all things we believe that one should use geometrical proportion. We also have removed the scales of our justice, and have given her good eyes and good hands.

Inasmuch also as we wish and intend that their decrees and sentences may live for a long time, without the passage of time bringing any corruption to them: we counsel our people not to “spice things up” too moderately and as it would be reasonably suitable for the task at hand, but that they “spice things up”^[78] in such a way that the sharpness may be felt vividly by those who have tasted of it, even for a long time after such “spices” were given.

And as for officers of the law who will wish to use Arithmetical or harmonic proportion, giving justice to the one to whom it is due, and who are customarily called good judges and good men, we hold them to be blind and without judgment. This is why we prohibit that their voices and votes be taken, or at least that they be taken as late as possible, or, if possible, that their opinions not be followed. On the contrary, we want them to be subject to ostracism (like that idiot Aristides)^[79] at every occasion that might present itself, and banished as often as possible, for fear that these judges shine a light on our people, and hinder them in their duties and the exercise of their posts, as they desire to abolish crime and the word “extortion” forever.

Let no one be so bold or so rash as to bring any complaint or to commence any proceeding against our said judges and officers, for whatever reason, if he does not want to be rigorously punished by his purse, beyond the loss of the sum he demands if it is a civil matter, or to endure a thousand affronts and humiliations in the case of a crime, even so far as to lose honor and life, if the case warrants this.^[80]

Fathers and mothers will bring cases ordinarily against their children, and children against their fathers, holding them in custody or making them believe that they have lost their senses, in order to enjoy their property. If some good fortune has raised these children to some more honorable status than that of their fathers, we wish that they disdain them and renounce them as parents, particularly if they are of a simple nature and kind, or if they want to live without any ceremony.

Those who will have the control of our finances will be held and obliged to understand above all two rules, of subtraction and multiplication, to help themselves with the one in their receiving of funds and with the other in their spending. We also wish that they know how to exaggerate their inventories, make the lines match up, inflate the total sums, invent voyages and other obligations so that in their accounts they can draw up a section on money spent and not reimbursed. In this section, they will also include the parties to whom they have only paid a fourth or a third of what is due at the most, as gifts, repayments, wages, discharges of debts, rent payments, charges, and other sorts of monies, which nonetheless they will record throughout their expenses. They will forge documents to prove lost revenue,^[81] to draw in an underhanded way disorderly ordinances, loan royal monies at interest, exchange and re-exchange, which will turn to their profit, and not to that of the Prince they serve.

Their underlings will give them many presents of game, wine, fruits, spices, silk cloth, precious stones, and other things. All of these things will be called the “patience of the recipient,” without their having to fear any “royal chamber”^[82] or any accusation of the crime of graft. Thus we have excused and will excuse hereafter all of these parties from doing homage to the King,^[83] without their having to fear being prosecuted for it, provided that they are industrious in sprinkling their adversaries appropriately with the water of the Pactolus river^[84] or that of the Rio de la Plata.^[85]

We wish that those employed in commissions raise taxes, loans, tributes, and other subsidies that the Princes and Potentates whose service they are in may impose on their subjects, be able to use the increase to their profit, and furthermore that the commission fees and the salaries of the officers employed in this capacity rise so high, that a third of the coins levied do not arrive at the coffers of the Prince. Because this above all is what reveals the kindness of their spirit, if after all of these things they have the boldness to demand recompense for their faithful service.

We wish and intend that our said financiers, having risen from a low station with the dregs of their origin only cleansed in their coffers, who without any funds or revenue (or at least with very little), faithfully and quickly acquire very great riches in the manner that has been explained above. And by means of these riches taken from the good receipts of their administration, they might hold the title of Lords for the lands that they have acquired, have very rich and precious furnishings at their homes, and have several palaces and magnificent houses built, in all confidence that no one will demand where they could have gotten so much money, or that they be subject to any review of their accounts, even if one knows manifestly that all of their opulence could only come from the impoverishment of the public. On the contrary, we wish that they be honored and respected, and that they or their descendants be able to hold the highest stations of the republics where they find themselves.

We also wish that certain of those most capable at finance acquire from their masters the best lands they have, even when they had entered their homes with nothing more than a lackey’s uniform, or a curry-comb^[86] or a horse-wipe, or in some appointment of similar quality. Nonetheless their masters, having given them responsibility for the accounts, will be so in debt to them that the remainder of the property has to be put up for auction and sold for a low price. The children of their lords will be reduced to such need that they will be constrained to come seek these servants out and court them, thus making them honored in their turn. That if they give them by chance some restoration of the property seized, or let them enjoy some little thing, we wish that they be held as very charitable and grateful, and we wish that they be able to say loudly and clearly before the whole world, and without blushing, that they have made themselves poor in order to serve the fathers of these children well, and that they have never taken payment other than those for the many debts that they have left on their hands.

If some Prince establishes a superintendent over them, who by chance discovers their schemes and their desire to profit from their master, we wish that he be the object of hatred of everyone in the world, by the artifice of the said financiers, and we permit them to speak ill of him to everyone else, and to endeavor by their artifices to make him suspected by the Prince, so that, once this man is disgraced, they might recommence their ancient and praiseworthy customs, as they did before.

As for the officers who are close to the person of the Prince, and have knowledge of his most secret business, we wish and intend that they be on the payroll and agents of other Princes, their neighbors, permitting them to discover their secrets and give them information about everything that is going on, without for all that being less cherished and caressed by their masters, or less well-compensated for their faithfulness.

As for those who wish to be traitors to themselves and do good for others by their advice and by their silence, we wish that they be despised as stupid people and without wit. And we wish that others be feared because (as they say) they will do evil things, and these good ones be held for people of little worth, because they will not do such things. This is why we order that our own people be made wealthy and their opponents be impoverished.

We also wish that the above-mentioned officers be partisan, so that they can give away farms at discounts and so that the Prince can brag that his wealth is not in his purse, but in that of his subjects. They can take bribes, and other little “rights,” and with this enter into agreement for one quarter of the revenue or for another amount, in accordance with the sum that they grant, while still taking other presents if they accept smaller sums, for it is the law of all of the officers of this Empire who are our subjects to take with both hands when the situation allows.

On Matters of Public Policy

As for reformers and officers, who will be our subjects, they will allow false weights, false measures, counterfeiting, adulterating, and other pretty inventions that our poor subjects can come up with, provided that those who use such things express all due gratitude to these officers.

These officers will also permit all defamatory speeches and booklets against the honor of the Prince and his Estate. If for their honor they are forced to investigate such works and if it happens that they apprehend the guilty ones, those who have the means will be permitted to exit by the gilded door,^[87] while others, who are more needy and will not put anything into the officers’ hands, for fear that the amount required will grow,^[88] will experience the rigor of justice in order to give the world an even better impression of the officers’ honorable and faithful nature. If there is some silly person who might wish to exercise the rigor of the laws and decrees of the country where he finds himself, without other compensation than a foolish and empty honor and to be considered a good man by our opponents, in accordance with what we said above and what we will say below, we wish that our own subjects attack such manner of people and inflict all sorts of calumnies upon them, even accuse them of extortion and give them all sorts of troubles, so that they are finally forced to be silent, unless they are by chance of the race of ancient Catos.^[89] In this case, we advise our above-mentioned officers to remain cautious and to accomplish their little business as secretively as they can.

We very expressly forbid our officers to pursue those who spend their lives doing nothing, even if they have no means, because we hold all of our subjects to be Gentlemen and wish that for this reason they live according to the law of Lycurgus,^[90] yet without subjecting them to corporeal exercise, unless it is the sort that can incite sensual pleasure. Leisure is the virtue most necessary to nourish and maintain this pleasure.

As for the sacred spaces of Vertumnus,^[91] Bacchus, and Venus, we wish that they serve henceforth as spaces of asylum and refuge for all those that our adversaries call Debtors,^[92] Mortgagers, Bankrupts, and other people with baggage in our retinue, without our officers being able to cause them any displeasure. They shall be allowed to enter into agreements with the ministers of these places and receive rents and rights of ownership from them as proof that they are subjects and vassals of our Empire.

We also wish that those who might have committed some fault, not out of necessity but from premeditated choice and delicacy of spirit, by transporting themselves and the money of their creditors to some slightly distant country and arranging nonetheless by means of their friends an agreement on the forfeit with their said creditors, be held for the most cunning and well-informed among our people. This shall be true even when they have used the same trick five or six times, provided one can find at their home beautiful account-books and other well-written journal papers where all of their debts can be clearly ascertained, but that make no mention of what they possess or of what others owe them.

The years when wheat and wine are more scarce than is customary, principally in countries where it is not to be found in very great quantity, we permit our subjects to fill storehouses with them and to distribute them only in extreme circumstances, in order to draw more easily the bad blood of the public that is directed at them during the years of abundance and by means of a subtle alchemy convert it into their wealth. We prohibit our officers to place any other levy, whether upon said wheat or wine or upon other wares necessary to life, than those which the above-mentioned public surgeons wish,^[93] provided that they furnish these officers with everything that is necessary to the maintenance of their home and their family.

And inasmuch as some of the ancient Romans, after some important victory, had themselves escorted to the sound of flutes, we wish to renew this ancient custom, which we have judged to be just and civil, in order to gratify also even more those who have always approved our lifestyle and taken our side and who have their residences close to forests and tall trees.^[94] By grace and special privilege, we permit them to have the high woods^[95] played as much as and whenever it pleases them, without the reformers being able to assert their distinctions between wood that is dead^[96] and wood of no value.^[97] But we wish that all windfalls,^[98] whether someone has set their trunks on fire, or they have fallen in some other way, be wood they can keep for their own use, our intention being that all forests be of the same nature as the wood of Danaë, that is to say that the chief foresters can never mark them with the royal hammer.^[99]

As for the said Reformers and other sub-officers of our loving subjects, they can trim, shape, and prune said forests wherever they see those which are the most suited for their use. And when a deal is afoot to order a certain number of feet of these trees, we wish that this order not be taken literally,^[100] as one commonly takes it, but according to their own understanding: that is, to count as many trees for a foot, as one ordinarily counts inches to compose a Royal foot,^[101] it being very reasonable that they also govern in royal fashion, since they are Royal officers.

As for the lesser officers of these said forests, we permit them to make all sorts of timber for building, shingles, and other usable wood in the name of the poor merchants, making deals with the poor laborers among our subjects who live near these said forests. If there is someone among these laborers who has some means and wishes to make his own deal, we command the forest rangers to allow them to take the most beautiful trees and to cut them into boards, provided that they pay for them. So that some can cover their houses with quarter-crowns^[102] and others in this way can buy what they need, and everyone may be frequently caressed at the home of the good father Silenus,^[103] and not ever go out without making these said forests ring with the sainted name “Evoè.”^[104]

By this our Edict and irrevocable order, we suppress now and forever the office of the Censor, and we wish that all Censors, whatever purpose they might serve, be banned everywhere in this our Empire. We command all of our subjects to flee them as if they were excommunicated people and of bad character, as those who can cause all sorts of trouble and impediments to desire or to pleasure. That if someone among them is so foolhardy as to mix in with our crowd, and wishes to practice and dogmatically teach his pernicious doctrine, we wish that he be immediately banished with all sorts of insults and humiliations that he can be made to suffer.

If there is some husband who is tired of and bored with his wife, or some woman who wishes to trade in her husband, we permit them to divorce and that a certificate of repudiation be given to them. If they are in a country where custom does not allow them to repudiate their spouse, we advise them to claim impotence of one or the other party, even if that is not the case and they have children by each other, this word alone being all-powerful to dissolve all sorts of such contracts and alliances.

As for those who wish to give some advice that they say is for the public good, we very expressly prohibit them from being heard, or at the least if they are heard, we wish that they be put off at such great length without letting any of their plans be put into effect, that they tire at last of so much bowing and scraping and abandon their undertaking, even when much that is useful might have come from it for the Prince of their region of origin. But we wish and intend that only those be singled out and executed who bring ruin and damage to the public, and who could alienate the obedience of the subjects and the fealty that should be rendered to the sovereign.

Everyone will be able to dress as they fancy, provided that it be sumptuously, superbly, & without any distinction or consideration for their status or wealth.^[105] If a fabric being used, as precious as it might be, is not enriched with a superfluity of gold or silver embroidery, precious stones and pearls, and frequently without any propriety, we hold such garments to be vile, cheap, and unworthy of being worn in good company, holding any modesty in this for a baseness of heart and a lack of spirit. We also hold as an almost general rule among ourselves, that such attire honors more than it is honored: for on this Island the habit makes the monk, and not the contrary.

The attire which approaches most closely that of a woman, either in the material or in the style, will be held among our people as the richest and most appropriate, as the most in keeping with our morals, inclinations, and the customs of the inhabitants of this Island. We wish nonetheless that the fashion change every month, and that those who wear a particular outfit longer than this be held to be misers, avaricious, and uncivil. Still, they will be well able to renew the old fashions and restore them to honor^[106] as if they were newly invented, even though they were in use more than sixty or eighty years ago. And so that these things may be done more conveniently, and one can seek inventions at their leisure, we counsel our most favored courtiers each to have a personal valet who is also a tailor, with whom they can pass a good part of their time in inventing new patterns. For beyond their use of these valets as tailors, they will also learn many necessary terms from them, so as to converse appropriately with a Lady, or with those who resemble ladies, when they wish to chat privately, as this conversation is very substantial and worthy of their personal truth.

Furnishings for lodgings and for private homes will be in every way the richest that can be made, even surpassing the means of those who possess them, without anyone being able to comment that this is not suitable to their status. For those who have the honor of being enrolled in the number of our subjects are qualified enough, that all other estates, nobles, dukes, princes, have been invented more for appearance than as something necessary to make one worthy. We also permit our subjects who live in their private homes to gild their doors, windows, wainscots, and other parts of their lodgings, to have many private rooms covered in richly colored tapestries, touched up with gold and silk or with raised embroidery^[107] or other styles of embroidery, chairs covered with silk and studded with gold or silver sequins, and to have paintings made where nothing is depicted other than any subject that can incite sensual pleasure. We very expressly prohibit the possession of anything that might suggest in any way their sanctity, or anything which incite to what some call virtue. As for furnishings of wood, we wish that they all be gilded, silvered, and inlaid, and that all these said furnishings, principally the bedsteads be, if it can be done, made from cedar wood, rosewood, and other fragrant woods, if anyone chooses not to make them of ebony or ivory.

Inasmuch as all beds are as many Altars where we wish that a continual sacrifice be made to the goddess Salambona,^[108] we desire that they also be richer than the other furnishings, with coverlets and caparisoned^[109] for the comfort of the most secret friends, knowing also that vulgar actions are taken under what some call a lunar sky. So, the mysteries of Venus being elevated two degrees above this,^[110] we intend that everyone vault their sky with a double canopy over their bed. So that the one that will be inside might be as rich as the one outside, we wish that the story depicted be taken from the Metamorphoses of Ovid, the disguises of the Gods and other similar things to encourage the most frigid people. We wish that the rear be more remarkable than the front for its size, as is more appropriate for Hermaphrodites, being the most suitable place for conversation.^[111] Inasmuch also as the earth is not worthy to carry something so precious, we order that some rich oriental carpets or other silk cloths be spread under these beds.

Banquets and parties will take place at night, rather than during the day, with all the superfluity, prodigality, daintiness, and delicacy that can be managed, and in accordance with what the imagination and opulence of present or future wealth may allow. We wish that they serve all sorts of crests and tongues of Peacocks, and Nightingales, among others, as they are very salubrious for the epileptic malady.^[112] All dishes should be disguised and not a single one recognizable,^[113] so that our subjects may take nourishment in the same form as themselves.^[114] This is why we prize all sorts of pastries, dried fruit, preserves; the more distant they are from their origin, the more they will be prized, inasmuch as they will be more expensive. If they want sometimes out of daintiness to eat fish, we wish that it be marinated, no matter what the distance is from the sea to the place where it is eaten.^[115] And as concerns omelets, we wish that they be dusted with musk, amber, and pearls, and that the smallest cost fifty écus each, up to one hundred for the largest. In the summer, however warm the country one might be in, there will always be great blocks of ice and mountains of snow kept in reserve to mix with the drinks, even if this might well engender extraordinary illnesses.^[116] For those who are truly of our band should not fear anything for the sake of enjoying sensual pleasure, rather they should expose themselves to all sorts of perils for such a great good and contentment.

Each person will also be able to dress as they fancy,^[117] however bizarre the design might be,^[118] provided that the designer has in himself the virtue that our opponents call impudence; that if one is by chance among our most favored, each of those who do not have a better design will imitate him and dress themselves in his fashion.

Even though we hold charity to be pure foolishness, as an invention that serves only to empty purses, which we wish our people to always keep full, nonetheless inasmuch as it is in good repute around the world and people make much of those who embrace it, we advise the most wise and best informed among our people to aid and support a poor man against a rich one. They will nonetheless avoid overly supporting and favoring this poor man, so that they might despoil the rich one and even in their greed earn fame for their generosity. If they give some other alms, let it be as rarely as possible, and that they be distributed only so that the whole world knows it.^[119]

We also order that the children of our people be educated in all liberty without forcing or constraining them for any reason, not even to punish them unless they might fail in courtesy or to be of good grace. One should teach them from their most tender youth on the discourse of sensual pleasure, and they will frequent most generally those who can instruct them in this, learning from them the precepts, teachings, laws, and edicts necessary to become capable of being perfect Hermaphrodites someday and to achieve the rank of the most loved and favored among our people.

Poetic contests^[120] and theater will be prized among our people without anyone being permitted to abolish them, as they are the most useful and easy school where the first rudiments of our doctrine can be learned.

Hospitals for the sick and other similar places of isolation will be in good repute not for their good deeds or as a charitable endeavor, but also to serve as a retreat for those whom our people will send there. We also wish that the masters and guards of these places, having more care for the buildings and the revenue they acquire than for the sick and needy, dispose of these properties as their own, belonging to them by right.

As for beggars, vagabonds, and others of similar kind, we prohibit all of our officers from impeding their beggary and fraud, even when it is without cause and only to lead an idle life, or from fear of causing themselves too much trouble. We also wish that they be permitted to create artificial ulcers and wounds without being subjected to examination, provided that they engage in the same charity towards our above-mentioned officers that others practice towards them, slipping a portion of what someone has put into their hand into the sleeve of the officer.^[121]

We wish that all those who know how to help themselves with their thumbs, to cut the cord without making the bell ring, play the harp and use their hooked fingernails,^[122] those who are good night-owls and bats and who have good wings for the night, remain secure, and when they walk on one side of the street, our faithful officers will walk on the other, for fear of crossing paths with them, as if they were a kind of bad omen. It is quite true that we permit these officers to go into their nests and to make them count out their booty, still not making them give anything back to those who own it, but to share equally and cordially together the things that have been acquired by force. This is provided that these night-birds and others in their retinue do not fall by some bad luck into the hands of those disloyal officers who are not approved by us, for fear that they might make them the prey of other birds that fly in the daytime, or at least make them serve as mirrors for the contemplation of the secrets of nature.^[123]

As for calumny and treason, we forbid very expressly that these be punished or chastised, unless the sovereign Prince wishes to be involved in this for the good of his state. For that which regards private citizens, we wish that our people who have these two perfections be honored and highly regarded, some because they have courtesy, the others for their subtlety and elegance of spirit, which one will recognize in their generosity and prodigality with words and cheapness with loyalty. They will also all be what our opponents call flatterers and tricksters: we hold them to be gallant and well-informed Hermaphrodites if their friends lose by means of these two notable virtues their property, their honor, or their lives, or even all three together, provided that the result is beneficial to our people, either in property or in advancement of fortunes.

Everyone will be able to study the chemical art,^[124] according to the subtlety of his spirit and the fitness of the environs, and will be able to teach the richest people who wish to make themselves masters in this art how one must convert the Sun into Venus, and the Moon into Saturn, then afterward make everything evaporate into volatile Mercury.^[125] But above all we wish that the masters of currency, and other officers of these who are our faithful subjects, be well versed in alloy weights per hundred, per thirty, per ten, and other Hermaphroditic measures,^[126] ways and manners of speaking, which will all be included under the name of Royal foot.^[127] We wish as well that they understand how to exchange a fake coin for a good one, shave coins down, and other activities of this state, without being subject to investigation, provided that they slip into the proving-box several genuine pieces for the contentment of their superiors, known to be our most loyal and most faithful officers.

We forbid all our said political officers to monitor the artisans who will invent new fashions at great expense but with little durability so that we can more easily access the funds of all of our subjects. Above all we order that the most useless trades be those that will be the most in fashion and which will enrich themselves the most quickly, and that they be the most honored, the others serving as only valets for these people.

As if by a prophetic science, we know that in the centuries to come there will be few Solons, Lycurguses, and Platos, who will voyage throughout the world, either to take the best laws from the lands where they go, in order to practice them afterwards in their own countries, or to teach themselves about the people they visit. On the contrary, we know that most of those who travel will most often be the most corrupt and dissolute among people, true Alcibiades,^[128] who will have neither faith, nor friendship, nor a stable manner of life. We have considered that all of these things are very much in keeping with the mood of the inhabitants of this Island, who love novelty. We have permitted all foreigners to live there and to obtain posts in very little time and enjoy the same honors as those who are natural citizens of the country, even quite often to be preferred to them, as the case may warrant it. These foreigners may impose laws upon them, or draw upon their natural wealth, filling them instead with vices and desires to set sail immediately to wherever they think they can make as good a fortune or better.

For that which Concerns Comely Behavior

All those of our people who wish to frequent society will wear on their forehead a medal that some call impudence, and on the reverse shamelessness, so that this might teach all people that they are capable of committing and enduring all sorts of insults.

Each will strive to play the handsome, agreeable, and discrete person, even if they are not at all like that; they will have a great deal of submissiveness and humility in their words upon greeting or leaving, and on occasions where one must use insults to trap one’s companion. In all of the rest of their actions, they will be full of the winds of presumption and of arrogance. They will sing their own praises themselves, and entertain their company with tales of their actions, even when others would be just as glad not to hear them.

Their tongue will be like the spring of a watch that has been loosened; it will not be able to stop until they have spun out everything they will want to say, and each will permit his companion to speak as little as possible, when this is only to stifle his glory and impede his reputation.

Their talk will be most often about made-up things without truth and without any appearance of reason, and the ornament of their language will be to abjure and blaspheme confidently, and with dignity offer up much swearing and many curses, and other flowers of our rhetoric to support or to persuade others of a lie. Whenever they wish to prove a lie, they will begin with these words: “The truth is ….”

Those who do not have elegant words at their command will nonetheless be held to be witty, provided that they can say “That’s it!” or “I assure you!” or “I agree with you!” and other similar words while shaking their head and body, and that they have the skill to put themselves always on the side of the stronger party.

If there is someone who wishes to seem well informed and make himself esteemed above the others, we find it very good that out of disdain he does not listen to what those in the company will say but rather, in a louder voice than all the others, and very bold, interrupts their talk with some gallantry, that our opponents will call foolishness. If by chance the others wish to finish the discussion they have started, that they should not leave off for all that from continuing their own.

Above all we advise our people to rather lose a good friend than a clever saying, and that their words should be full of cutting remarks and points so sharp that they can pierce to the bone both honor and reputation, or at the least always offend the one to whom they are speaking, by covertly reproaching his imperfection, even when one is stained with the same evil. For one appears much more cunning than others when one accuses someone else of the fault of which one is guilty, and when one casts off mockingly onto another the imperfections which are closest to their own.

Friendships will only be for good appearances, only to pass the time or for profit. If a friend is in need, or if he is in some danger, or even accused of some crime, we forbid that he be aided with any goods, help, or assistance. We permit that which is called perfidy, treason, and ingratitude, which we hold to be wisdom, good conduct, and delicacy of spirit.

The more well-spoken among our people will always mingle some hint of mockery in their speech and ridicule of things that our adversaries call Holy, and will draw their comparisons from these, if it is a question of telling a good story, so that these holy things might be all that much more disdained, and that people will place less faith in them.

Disparaging speech will be very familiar to them, without any distinction of family, society, or friendship, for scandalizing and slandering at the expense of the honor and the reputation of those with whom one has some very strongly sworn friendship is one of the most common and necessary precepts for courtesy.

Our most loyal subjects and true Hermaphrodites will engage with each other in discussions of love and sensual pleasure, or of some new discovery in clothing. They can also discuss the singular nature of perfumes and the composition of makeup, and how one should curl one’s hair. They will know everything necessary for the dressing of women so that they will know how to accommodate themselves to it and beautify themselves. And we very expressly forbid our subjects to discuss or speak of the divine graces or perfections of the saintly life, reformation, and other inventions of our adversaries as completely contrary to our customs and way of life. If someone were so foolhardy as to undertake such a discussion, let him be shouted down, reviled, and mocked as foolish and badly taught in the rules of courtesy.

By grace and special privilege, we also wish that it be permitted to our subjects to invent terms and words necessary for civil conversation, which will generally have two meanings: one representing to the letter that which they desire to say, the other a mystical sense of pleasure, which will only be understood by their own kind or by those who have been their foot soldiers. We add this requirement, that the sound be sweet in pronouncing them for fear of offending their delicate ears, with prohibitions against using others, whatever substance, property, or signification they might have of what one wishes to say. And so that continual use cannot result in any annoyances, we judge that it is appropriate that they change these terms every year, so that if in the long run the common people wish to use them, our subjects can still have their own particular language.

We also command all of our people, to say nothing to the Prince but pleasant things, or never to speak to him, even when this silence could cause his ruin. For it is better that he suffer some harm than that they expose themselves to the possibility of looking bad. This is why we particularly recommend flattering them, and that our people consider it a sovereign virtue, which we will believe to be more perfect, the more it is distant from the truth and the more it seduces towards sensual pleasure.

Inasmuch as our subjects have among themselves many plots, conspiracies, schemes, and secret undertakings, either for love or for the State, we have permitted and do permit them to have henceforth and forever some language or jargon composed according to their whim, which they will give some strange name, such as Mesopotamian, Pantagruelian,^[129] and others. They will also use signs instead of words, in order to be understood in their most secret thoughts by their fellow initiates without being discovered.

We also wish that several of our people speak very often against vices and sensual pleasure and that they complain about excesses, whether public or private, and nonetheless that their life be utterly dissolute, voluptuous, lascivious, and without any desire for that which some call virtue. Whatever they will say about virtue will allow them to slander with more assurance, so that some might think that what they say is more out of pity than to offend. And in this manner, they will be able to speak about the actions of the Prince of whom they are subjects and about the affairs of his State. They will speak boldly against his manner of governing, and against his judges, in any company, with impunity and without fear. And even if what they wish is the farthest possible from his service, they will call themselves very faithful and affectionate subjects, and that it is the power of the sorrow that they feel to see everything going so badly that makes them use this language, even if their wish is to alienate the desire for obedience that is owed to him, so that they use those they have thus corrupted for their own purposes.^[130]

And inasmuch as we wish that our said subjects serve as a beacon and an example for all others, we also wish that they be engaged in the disciplines of knowledge, in order to be able to converse with those who do not understand anything of them, only to make themselves admired. For we do not advise them to employ any time, late nights, or trouble, but that they take some superficial aspect, as knowing the terms used in the field, to have ready to hand some example, or some comparison; but again, we do not wish them to put themselves to trouble in this. For some poor philosopher will be too happy in exchange for some flattery to summarize on several little pieces of paper that which he learned in many years with a great deal of work. Provided that they flatter him, he should be well and worthily satisfied and should remain content.

Their continual study will be of the twelve inventions of the Cyrenaic school, in the books that Leontine,^[131] very knowledgeable in the philosophy of love, wrote against Theophrastus, in the edicts made by us and decreed in the full Senate, in the seven liberal arts applied to a mystical meaning, to the precepts of Epicurus, the rules of Apicius,^[132] the books of Antiphanes, Aristophanes,^[133] Callistratus, Cephalus, Alcidamus,^[134] and other good books of similar material, both useful and necessary. We also wish that they continually read this ancient decree of the Roman Senate, put onto two tablets in the temple of Venus.^[135] And we wish that they have always in hand some wanton and lascivious comedy, so that they can always learn some new stratagem, to make them more worthy of the rank they hold, and that they might be in the end the most fine and gallant Hermaphrodites. For they must nourish their souls with these sacred things and soak them in, so that being perfectly imbued with them they will easily be able to resist the temptations of profane people who might wish to persuade them of their silliness.

This is why we wish that all those who engage in the disciplines some call virtuous, and who wish to be Doctors, Philosophers, or Censors, all those who wish to make divine works admired, and incite others to some contemplation, all these sorts of people should be held by our subjects to be dreamers, pedants, full of manias, and without reason, seeing that all their talk cannot be founded on human reason, since all of these things are supernatural.

If there is someone to whom one wishes to show respect, and who cares about all this nonsense, we advise our people not to let pass any opportunity to interrupt the conversation, either concerning what is said, or what is presented. They will make them repeat the same thing many times, and feign incomprehension, so as to annoy and tire as much as possible the one who is speaking. They will pretend to know something new, that they fear to forget, or better yet to feel ill, they will similarly pretend to sleep, and other rich inventions necessary for this purpose, that our people will seek out constantly according to their opportunities to deliver themselves from all these annoyances.

We do not find it at all bad, nonetheless, that our people go sometimes to public preachings, as a form of courtesy, to ogle, caress, and converse with men and women to whom they are the most devoted, to peacock, and to show off some new invention in fashion, and to mock the one who preaches, and to converse for the rest of the day, either about his terminology or his gestures. We very expressly forbid that they take any instruction or change their way of life in the future due to something that might have been said. For we wish that their conscience be all ours and devoted to our religion. As for their appearance, they will be permitted to take the side of anyone who seems good to them, provided that we hold the first place and that we always be preferred to all others, whatever honor, life, and salvation one might promise them. For such is the inviolable Law of this State, to be saintly in appearance among those who hold such wares in high estimation, and nonetheless to be always lascivious in their conscience, and dissolute in all deeds that could be done in secret, this virtue which all our opponents call hypocrisy being very necessary for the repose and tranquility of human life, provided that one uses it in accordance with the circumstances.

That old drug known as antiquity will be held in the highest disdain by our people, who will mock everything it teaches, as fables invented long ago for sport, outside of the possibilities of nature, and always mocking its customs. Still, these people can use them for the invention of apparel, furnishings, and sciences, converting them and disguising them, as if they came from them and from their hard work. If something lowly or trivial results (which will happen more often than not), we wish that they might say that they had a lofty idea, but that they wanted to explain it in popular terms, so that in whatever manner possible they are thought to be very clever, and knowledgeable about all things.

We also wish that our feathered fellows and those who have bold faces be feared above all others, and that everyone gives way to them wherever they might go, even when they might be peasants four generations back and cowards as fearful as hens, for the plume they wear will give them enough nobility and value.^[136]

We hold as people of honor those who spend more than they are worth, and who wish to make a good appearance, either in expense for the palate, for furniture, or for sumptuous clothes, much more important qualities. The less that they have in resources and the more they practice this virtue that we have just described, the more they should be held in much higher esteem; for this is what we call having a good heart.

All comedians, jesters, scoffers, and parasites, seekers of free meals, eavesdroppers,^[137] table friends, and other sorts of people of wit and venerable pleasers who exist only for the invention of witty and false sayings, are permitted to have whatever manners seem good to them, to dress and speak according to their fancy, to live in freedom of conscience and of lifestyle. They will be permitted to say whatever they want even to those of the highest status, without anyone looking askance at them. On the contrary, we wish that they be sought out as people who are good company and who know good stories to make others laugh.

This is why we advise them to note and peruse diligently and very carefully all of the words, actions, gestures, courteous exchanges, vices, and imperfections of those in whose homes they are welcomed like a familiar guest, where people will look upon them most kindly (as people who do not enter into any conversation with suspicion), so they might gossip about them afterwards in places where they are less likely to enter and be welcomed. This might incite the others to search them out, since each is happy to hear news about his fellow man, so he can be scandalized and have reason to despise him.

We similarly advise Princes who will particularly wish to know information about their subjects, without them noticing this, and without their aforementioned subjects being able to discover how their most secret business might have come into the knowledge of the sovereign, to make use of our most beloved parasites for this purpose, for they will discover more nests of rabbits with these ferrets in one day than they will in a month with all their Royal huntsmen, provided that they permit these aforementioned comedians to ferret around in their own purses.

Inasmuch as the ordinary course of nature is to make things that are dry and arid also more subject to bursting into flames, and we wish to follow as much as we can the natural inclinations to which we are dedicated without forcing or constraining them in any way or fashion possible, we permit our most decrepit elderly to be even more dedicated to love than the youthful. But since their power is not the same, we wish that they at least have the desire continually, the thoughts and touching, and that their personal mottos be about sensual pleasure, with the most lascivious gestures that they can invent to always nourish and maintain their lovely mood, and that they be able at least to say what they cannot do.

Those among our people who inhabit a region or whose humor is more “southern” than others are permitted to join with natures distant in every way from their own, even when some monster might result from this,^[138] since we make much of that which surpasses the ordinary course of vulgar actions, in addition to the fact that there can be nothing monstrous in our eyes.

The most common games, amusements, and pastimes of our most favorite courtiers will be Thrust out the Harlot,^[139] Racing to the Goal,^[140] Leapfrog,^[141] Hide Hide it well if you have it,^[142] Go Fish,^[143] Reverse Trump,^[144] John of the Meeting,^[145] and all sorts of Johns, except for the game of John-Cannot-Do-It, which we wish to have banished from all good company (as contrary to our statutes and ordinances), The Hunt between Two Sheets,^[146] Trapping Birds by Tricking Them,^[147] Piquet,^[148] Barley-break,^[149] Interrupted Speech, Chase the Stick Provided that it is a New One, Women Conquered,^[150] Ladies Thrust At, Backgammon, as long as it is played according to our custom, and other games which they can invent later to pass their time with more pleasure and contentment.^[151]

We also wish that all valets and freedmen who will have spied on the actions and discovered the secrets of their masters, or who will have participated in their goings-on, conspiracies, and other virtuous actions be feared, honored, and respected by them, advanced and enriched just as their own children would be, without these masters daring in any way to offend them, for fear that they might uncover that which they wish to keep hidden, but rather that their said masters obey them in everything that they might desire, so that everything has its vicissitudes and everyone might serve in his turn.

These freedmen and others of similar quality who have been pulled out of misery and poverty by the good deeds of their Lords will forget in perpetuity the place of their origin and will lose all memory of the pleasures received, so that they will be and will believe themselves to be the companions of their said masters, however great these masters might be, even to the point that they can disrespect and disdain them publicly and reprove them in good company, which they will do and say without respect or discretion, their masters enduring the reprimand patiently, and softening them as much as possible, with the sweetest words they can choose.

We also forbid those who will be our most loving subjects to ever have a fixed opinion; on the contrary, we very expressly command them to change their minds every second for whatever compelling reason and however valid that first opinion might have been. We also wish that they would make it known immediately when they have accomplished something and think that it might have been preferable to do otherwise, so that all these things might keep their brains sharp, for this will make them cleverer and more prompt to join in the extravagances that our people need to indulge in at every occasion, as things that are very agreeable and necessary for courtesy.

Those who know their manners best will always accommodate themselves to the thoughts, the passions, and the affections of those from whom they think they might get something useful or some advancement, giving only lip service and having no other opinion on colors, on tastes, or on knowledge of things than that which will please these others, even when the notions of these others might oppose common sense. For we hold that our people should not have any other motivation than utility and pleasure, with the delectable often giving way to the useful, as the one leads to the other. We find it very appropriate that our people inquire carefully about all things, not to give such things credibility but out of curiosity. If in their own affairs they need the opinion of others, we advise them to ask, but that this be without believing anything and without doing anything as they have been advised. On the contrary, they should always prefer their own advice to that of someone else, as better, more judicious, and more solid, since it will be entirely and in every way more fitting to their own will, which conducts itself better by its own impulse than by any external instruction, or so we wish them to believe. For to say that it should be illuminated by intelligence, and conducted by reason, we hold to be old, pedantic reveries that are repugnant to common sense, since all of our subjects know from experience that it is their will that reigns and governs the soul as well as the body. If reason sometimes has command in something, this must be by force and by constraint, not by consent. It is very true that they will achieve their desire more often in their imagination than to bring it to action, but this is only to make the excellence of their nature appear more prominently, the rest of the world not being worthy to see the effects of things so high, so sublime, and surpassing the capacity of their minds.

If some reconcile with others, we wish that this be only in good outward show and appearance, and that all of their embraces be so many ties that tighten more indissolubly their enmity that we intend to persist eternally, with such a multitude of the dead passed down from generation to generation, that there will be few left on one side or the other. This is why we permit those knights who have lost the mark of their old heritage,^[152] and who are no longer these fellows of the worthy type, to use poison or the dagger as the best tools to execute their most heroic and generous acts. This will reveal their deeply rooted hatred, or rather the unmovable constancy of their courage, to the eyes of the whole world. If they cannot use these means, they will watch for opportunities to humiliate their enemies when they see that fortune wishes to turn her back on them, ruining them little by little, so that they languish for a longer time and feel themselves dying. They will slander them, cover them with scandal, and on every occasion throw obstacles in their path,^[153] so that they retreat rather than advance, if by chance they were accompanied by good fortune and too much in favor. All of these things will be called doing good work, and living together in good peace and Hermaphroditic tranquility, always looking pleasantly at one another, and engaging each other in pleasant conversation full of honor and ceremony. They will even praise each other, and each will make the perfections of his companion ring out, provided that they are in each other’s presence. For in their absence, we wish them to behave as we have said above, most of all if it is an enemy who is of some rank and who has authority. For those should not be spared, as is the way of the world. One will always pay attention to the person before whom this kind of talk is engaged in, for fear that it will not be reported to this enemy. If in these groups there is someone of the enemy’s faction, then he should rather set himself to praising the other than to speaking ill of him, so that this might be repeated to him, eliminating all mistrust, and because of his belief in the affection the other bears him, he might fall more easily and without suspicion into the trap that the other has prepared for him.

Military Laws

Inasmuch as we have many good and loyal subjects among the least of them, who, because of their low station and because they have not at all been educated in the mechanical arts, cannot pull themselves out of misery without special grace from us; we magnanimously desire to favor them, as those who guard religiously in their hearts the laws and statutes of this Empire. Since war is that which can most promptly advance, enrich, and honor them, we order most expressly all Praetors, Military Tribunes, Centurions,^[154] and others having their authority from us, to conscript people for war, and always to choose them from among the dregs of the people, and to prefer above all others those whom they will see most inclined to our mode and manner of living.

Not wishing at all that there be any dissension among our people and knowing well enough that the different ranks of honor among soldiers causes envy, jealousy, and quite often sedition, we do not at all intend that there be any order of preference between our legionnaires, and we have eliminated forever these ranks of Princes and Veterans, all of whom we have included under the name of “Light Infantry,”^[155] who in other countries are customarily called “lost children,” and whom we wish to be named “found children,” as if miraculously born from the earth, without origin or genealogy.

Since the ancient Captains, our ancestors, often used army valets or camp valets and other attendants in many strategic moves and tricks of war, including to make armies appear larger and more frightening to enemies, we wish that the multitude of valets and others be three times larger than the whole army put together, so that our soldiers might be better served in the army than they would be in their homes. While some will be close to their masters, others will be seeking provisions and giving orders to the kitchen.

Since it is not reasonable that those who have the honor to be conscripted under our banners and who fight under our auspices suffer from too much work, we wish that these said valets carry the swords and other arms of their masters and these latter so unburdened will march continuously for short days only, out of fear of becoming too tired or out of breath if they have to confront the enemy.

Having judged that the more countryside an army occupies, the larger the army must be: in order to trick our enemies even more, we wish that our armies spread out as much as they can throughout the country where they must fight a war, and that two or three thousand men hold ten or twelve leagues of countryside and lodge themselves in the best villages, principally in those which are the most loyal to them. For we hold for barbarians and rude people all those who wish to live under tents like Nomads and believe that those who retrench and hide themselves under the cover of ditches, or bundles of sticks, are more fearful than hares, and deserved to be reduced in rank forever as unworthy of the name of soldiers.

Our ancestors having believed that heroic people were born of some God, and the common opinion being such that no one is heroic except those who bear arms, we wish that all of our soldiers be considered children of the Goddess of Ransacking. And when her influence reigns in the fields, the peasants should seek shelter for themselves and their flocks, to avoid becoming easy prey and being consecrated to the above-mentioned Goddess as an amusement and as booty.

Since the ancient custom of the Northern peoples is to press their thumbs together and link them tightly when they wish to establish an alliance that will last, we intend also that our soldiers themselves act in the same manner when encountering some country dweller or merchant, in order to make a close alliance with their money bag.^[156] If this is not sufficient to make them acquiesce to such a great good, we want them to be able to give the soldierly Diadem^[157] or heat up their shoes and make them dance without moving from their spot,^[158] with other pretty inventions that their subtle minds can find out.

Money being the sinews of war, the soldier who has the most as a consequence must be the strongest against the enemy. This is why we exhort our soldiers to fill their purse as much as they can and to employ their valor and their industry to this effect, and rather make contracts with demons, revive the dead to find treasures, and make war with the earth,^[159] like the soldiers of our predecessors, than not have any money.

Inasmuch as a camp of light horsemen is much more suitable for surprise attacks than one which is stopped in one place and heavily armed, we order that our soldiers fly rather than march,^[160] so that they cannot give their enemies the opportunity to place their good friends (that is, gold and silver) in such a place, that they cannot see or encounter them. But they will travel in disorder, without keeping their ranks in line up to the place of their encounter, or while they rally for their profit, for in using this manner of doing things they will be less exposed.

When they encounter resistance, we permit them to use breaking, burning, rape, and ransom, even when this is against our own subjects (on whom they should profit more). For, since they are our officers, the people should obey them as soon as they have spoken. They will have no God, but in their mouths, whom they will name very often, not in invoking him but in derision, without being subject to customs or religions in any country they might enter. The soldier in our ranks will have the privilege of living according to his fancy and of creating a religion as it seems best to him.

Discipline being for children, and not for men who have arrived at the age of reason, as that old doting antiquity has noted before us, we permit our people to live at their own discretion without any other observance of rules or of laws than their own flights of fancy, and without otherwise respecting their leader, unless they are forced to do so, inasmuch as we believe that fear debases and reduces courage to cowardice. In contrast, the liberty that we give to our people makes them more courageous and bolder, at least in words.

Having such affection for our aforementioned soldiers, that we hold those who oppose them for our own enemies, we wish that he who has killed the greatest number of his enemies, either in cold blood or in an ambush, by surprise, or in any way or manner that might be, be feared and dreaded by all those others who have not performed as many services for us and have not achieved the same perfection. We also wish that he be esteemed as more valiant than the father of our ancient founder, and as such that he might sing loudly the above-named nations as proof of his valor.

Their continual exercises will be to pluck the hen, run after the cow, beat the drum with bones, lift the goblet, make an inventory of the furnishings that they will find at the home of their hosts, break open the doors and the trunks of the property owners with a bar, fight against the honor of girls and women, and achieve victory at whatever price, play at turning over the house as soon as they have entered their lodgings, and other pleasant activities to pass the time joyously.

In order also that our people might make it more apparent that they have not ceded in any way to old antiquity, having heard enough of the praises of the valorous actions of the soldiers of Alexander the Great, and knowing as well the order they maintained upon their return from India, their army should resemble more a comedy in a theater than men of war moving through the country. We intend as well that when our people march in large groups, they revive the ancient Bacchanals, and offer each other more drinks^[161] than they send arrows against the enemy. We also wish that they be guided by the sound of flutes like the ancient Lacedemonians, so that they might march more happily to combat, although they will do this only in appearance, for fear of returning more unhappily than they departed.

All things being subject to self-destruction and to end through dissolution after a short time, otherwise preserving themselves and taking on new life through procreation or husbandry, we desire that our soldiers be not only maintained but also multiplied. In addition, our legions will always be filled with new soldiers by this means. We wish that there always be a very great multitude of prostitutes in our camp, so that those who will be engendered can say that they were born, educated, and raised to war. In addition, the soldiers will not be forced to leave their regiments to do this, like the soldiers of that Macedonian Emperor, as they will always have near them the means of satisfying their desire.

Our soldiers will avoid as much as possible the feared duties of advance sentinels, advance scouts, and other duties that have only been invented to ruin poor soldiers, who could perfectly well work as sentinels close to the guard corps at the center of the camp and keep themselves in the rear guard for the security of their persons and baggage. For it is sufficient that the enemy be terrified by their looks, without it being necessary that they place themselves in greater peril, so we advise them to leave these duties to others who are less knowledgeable about the occupation of war, less well versed and less capable of living according to our laws and statutes.

The old highwaymen who have run here and there, and sold their blood and their liberty to the one who offers the most or the highest bidder, after having dusted the world with their corruption, will keep the chaff as fuel for the ruin of their country, serving as so many torches to enflame the hearts of the youth to new unrest so as to commit some memorable act against the interests of their citizens in order to acquire fame, which our opponents call damnable, and which we say is highly recommended to posterity. We say nonetheless that all of these emotions should be founded upon some evident pretext: for religion, the public good, or for the monarchy, so that the opinion of Alexander the Great might be made true, as he said that all of the wars of the world arose because of an abundance of gods, of laws, and of kings.

Not believing at all that it is in the interests of state security to transport warriors to foreign countries and by so doing to deplete the countries of this Empire, we wish that our soldiers be the most apt for and the most capable of civil rather than of foreign war. For in doing this, they will find things more suitable, without suffering the discomforts that lovely antiquity wanted to make its own army endure. Nonetheless, we do not intend that they spare those close to them and that they treat them more gently than those who are less well known to them, but that it be on them to do their best work and build their fortune.

Inasmuch as any man who does not know either how to obey or how to command is believed to be useless, and that being a soldier is one of the highest degrees of honor, and therefore is worthy of command; add to this that subjects of this Empire believe obedience to be something invented on a whim, which one is only obliged to observe by force. We wish that our soldiers always be more ready to command than to obey, so that in our armies, each might do according to his whim whatever he judges to be appropriate for serving us well. They should offer teaching and instruction to those who might have some command over them, and contradict their orders, especially if that which they command infringes in some way upon their particular pleasure and comfort, for this pleasure and comfort being the fundamental law of this state, all other laws must give preference to it.

As for the leaders, we intend that they achieve dignities more by chance than by choice or by recognition of their courage, so that they might say that their good fortune came to them while they were sleeping, and that thenceforward they let themselves be led by chance without other considerations than those which the encounter might present to them. For we believe all these phenomena or meditations to be silly foolishness, which do not bring any other fruition than to distill^[162] the brain of those who amuse themselves with such things. On the contrary, precipitous action will be held to be the most sufficient among our people, as a sign of wisdom and mark of generosity, so that if some inconvenience should occur, they can place the blame on fortune, which they would not be able to say truthfully if they had taken these actions with fully considered deliberation.

It being more crucial that their reputation grows among their own men without any peril than over the enemies with a great deal of danger, together with the fact that our people pay no attention ordinarily to that which is truly honorable, but only to a point of honor, we wish that there be many letters of defiance^[163] against one another as preludes to a duel, without going so far as to draw blood, which should always be protected as a precious and cherished thing. But we intend that there be some who calm things before they come to blows, and that by this means they be believed to be men of courage without incurring any danger. Nonetheless we find it good that they have agreements with the enemy, and that they reveal secrets and strategies to him, avoiding peril by this means, and making the military exercise continue for longer with good wages, without touching the Prince’s treasury, but on the contrary always impoverishing the enemy.

Speed and lightness having been since the most ancient times recommended to soldiers, we intend that our armies be composed of fake soldiers and soldiers only in name to make the enemy tremble at their muster, while their speed and agility will allow them to make themselves invisible immediately whenever they must enter into combat, so that only the slowest and the latecomers will appear on the field. And inasmuch as the choice and selection of these fake soldiers must be made by the leaders who command our armies, with the knowledge and support of our paymasters,^[164] we wish these leaders and paymasters to pay them sparingly, holding from them the better and larger part of the portion, as these fake soldiers are too greedy for honor to amuse themselves thinking about profit. In addition, by a special privilege we have made them invulnerable in all ways.

The laws of war having nothing in common with those of peacetime, being mortal enemies and directly contrary to each other, therefore it would not be reasonable for our soldiers to be subject to the rules of civilian law or of religion. This is why we permit them to be without discipline and to live without practicing religion, if this seems good to them. But above all we wish that the leaders might give them their own Calendar, for prolonging either months or years. We forbid them very expressly to shorten or diminish them, and so we wish that the year be fourteen or fifteen months long, as it might happen, and that the months be at least forty days long.^[165]

We wish that the leaders as much as the simple soldiers might tell tales of their valiant deeds, which the greatness of their courage depicts for them in their imagination. And inasmuch as among our opponents they take spiritual matters much more seriously than corporeal ones, we wish that the valiant deeds that they have only achieved in spirit be in much greater number than the actual deeds and that they be highly praised by them, as if they had achieved them really and in fact.

Common things being always despised, and those which are farthest from vulgar deeds being valued by our people as the most perfect and accomplished, we are of the opinion that the most famous of the generals that we have appointed to govern our armies, and who put into practice the most faithfully and passionately the constitutions of this Empire, should seize the opportunity from behind as frequently as possible,^[166] without letting themselves by ruled by the opinion of the contemplative sorts, who wish to stop at every little thing, and take the time (as they say) to know how to do it. For in doing this, the results are so base and common that even if they succeed, they are more worthy of disdain than of praise. On the contrary, when our people have happily achieved something in an inappropriate way, even if this happens more rarely, they should nonetheless make more of this, even when it may be an obvious mess, inasmuch as this should bring them more glory, which is what they should always seek and prefer to any other considerations.

Having advised them to build a large number of citadels, to put so many irons on the feet of liberty, we intend that they be fortified with retrenchments, bulwarks, half-moon fortifications, underground refuges, walls, ramparts, and other fortifications for the security of our soldiers, so that they can always be presented in good form. But so that they might take care of their business, we advise the generals in command to leave them without food, armaments, gunpowder, and other things necessary for the defense of these places, so that if the enemy seems to be about to besiege them they have a legitimate excuse to surrender, but on this condition that they will secretly receive good compensation, so that if they remain without a doublet, they might instead have a good robe to protect them from the cold. And as for the soldiers, they may set down their weapons provided that their purses are filled.

The inhabitants of the cities where these fortresses are established will themselves and their property be left to the mercy of the governors, as it is very reasonable that they use what these people have saved, and the soldiers of the garrison can also partake in this, especially for those things that concern life, maintenance, and their exercises in sensual pleasure, without our own finances being diminished in any way. Since they have the persons and the property of these inhabitants under their protection, we also wish that the wives and daughters in these cities place their honor in the hands of these soldiers, since from all appearances they should be as careful of them as of everything else, or even more so. They shall command very expressly fathers and husbands to keep all things silent, if they do not wish to experience power that is not restrained by any fear, or at least to be accused of a conspiracy against the citadel or against those who guard it.

As for the governors of our Provinces, inasmuch as it is to the honor of this Empire that they set a good table and are followed and accompanied like Kings, which cannot be done without extremely large expenditures of money that our imperial treasury could not furnish without inconveniencing us a great deal: we wish that they follow the examples of those excellent men Albinus and Florus, Governors of Judea,^[167] very much to be commended to posterity for their notable deeds in that Province. And may they always find new reasons to mutiny and give some reason for the people to complain, in order to manage their interests better, making more portable those who are too fat, and as a consequence more prompt and supple for obedience to our commands.^[168]

In order to do this, they will prevent the business of the merchant, the labor of the peasant, and the work of the artisan, so that each one living the life of a do-nothing, they may be more prompt to serve their intentions, supporting the weaker with their authority, in order to win out over the stronger, calling revolt and rebellion everything that the rich do for their maintenance.

So that the governers might be assisted in their plans by the forces of their Princes, they will win over the hearts of their soldiers by flattery, by caresses, by prayers and by presents, so that if the people wish to bring some complaints to their Princes concerning their government, they might have good witnesses, accomplices for their deeds, who overturn the words of their opponents, and give new reasons for these governors to acquire a better fortune.

Those among the aforementioned governors who wish to undertake some action against the authority of their sovereign, discharging him by their charity from power in his own states and relieving him to this extent of his duty, by taking all of the burden and the rule, will court the people with all humility in order to acquire the authority to command and to establish themselves. But when the fear has passed from them, we permit them to be imperious and unbearable.

The honor being greater for a sovereign to make kings than to be one himself, we wish that those among the governors who know how to live better according to the laws and constitutions of this Island, may exercise Royal authority in all things, and be more feared and dreaded than the monarchs themselves so that whenever they accompany their sovereign, each might be able to say of them what Cineas said about the Roman Senate.^[169]

And inasmuch as we wish to make our imperial liberality always apparent, and advise our successors to do the same and follow our way of living in order to be promptly deified, and also to recompense fathers in some way for the good services that they have rendered to us in fulfilling the duties of their office, as it has been declared above, we intend that their commissions be hereditary for their children, whatever youth or incapacity that they might have. As the state of the republic has changed, which intended that the magistrates be annual, it is very reasonable that since the sovereign magistrate is immortal (his authority continuing in his descendants), that those who are beneath him and who must command under his auspices be similarly perpetual.

If it happens that someone or their descendants has some private quarrel: to demonstrate to his adversary that he has some extraordinary credit (with the sovereign), we wish that he be well accompanied by gentlemen, or so-called gentlemen, and that he rather impoverish himself with the upkeep of such a troop than content himself with the ordinary means of advancement. Still, however, the only benefit of this will be a good appearance. For by this means, one who is only a simple gentleman, without commission or other quality, will nonetheless be thought to be some great lord by those who see him so well accompanied. Instead of the two écus he would usually spend each day, it will cost him thirty to feed his companions well, for as long as the quarrel shall last.

We permit our most loyal advisors to add to everything above as the case warrants and as they note better opportunities, and we wish that those who act in this way be obeyed, as if we ourselves had ordered thus.

[Frame narrator]

Such were the laws of this nation that we found contained in this summary, and which seemed to us to be full of wonder as well as abomination for the detestable things they contained, so that you would have said that this was a nation that had no other study but to fortify itself against that which was reasonable and virtuous, as they sought only the appearance of these in their actions and discourses, fearing only to lose their standing among men, and not because of any personal inclination that they might have had towards them. Each of us, still seized with astonishment for the things that he had just heard, remained in a profound silence. When our traveler took up the story again, he said:

“There were still many other laws and edicts that I did not collect in this way, for since they were a bit more like those which are common in the world, I thought that it would be a superfluous thing to remain at this task, so I only amused myself with translating those which seemed extraordinary to me, as you could see.”

“In truth,” said one of the troop, “here is a good enough quantity of them, and if it wasn’t the curiosity to learn, and the fact that in the light of that which is evil the good makes itself more visible, than it does on its own, I would gladly say that the vessel is never anything other than too loaded with that cargo. But since even the divinity has permitted evil so as to increase our own merit, we should believe that we can derive goodness from the most corrupt things, or rather virtue can be like the oil that swims over all the liquids without mixing in it. So, the goodly man can be transported on this great sea of the world without being carried off by these bitter waters, or without finding himself thrown against the sandbanks and the reefs of this sea. But like the sun, which does not mix itself into the mud, he sees and recognizes the nature of things without mixing with them and without deriving his behavior from things that should on the contrary receive guidance from him.”

[Frame narrator]

This pretty prattler wanted to continue making his philosophical speech and to prove by reasons and examples that in the reading of books, we should do as the Geometer did who wished to take the measure of some altitude, and who had one eye on the sky and the other on the earth, but he was interrupted by the gentleman traveler recommencing his tale, as he wished to finish his story and narrate the rest of the singularities of this island.

The Banquet

We will have (he said) enough time another time to discuss this subject, as its examples present themselves to us only too often in order to remind us; but now, to continue what I started to say to you:

[Storyteller]

Then this gentleman who had shown me such extraordinary things, seeing that the sun was beginning to set, told me that the dinner hour was approaching, and recognizing from my expression that my stomach was not too full, and that it would be as great a pleasure to me to satisfy its desire, as it was to satisfy my curiosity, he bid me come partake in a mediocre dinner. And, in truth, such an experience would have been very agreeable if the desire to observe the customs of this nation did not have more power over me than anything else, so I begged him to lead me to where the Lordladies dined, to see if the ceremonies of this offering equaled those that I had already seen. He agreed readily to this. For by some inexplicable secret power of nature that makes us likable even to those we do not know, he was beginning to be well-disposed towards me. So, with him going ahead to guide me, having passed through several chambers and descended a little staircase constructed in hidden fashion for the convenience of gallants, we entered into a fairly large room strewn with a great diversity of flowers.

At the end of the lower part, there was a very long and fairly wide table, on which there a large tablecloth was spread out and draped down to the ground: on this table, someone had placed a little staircase made of wood, of only four or five steps, which occupied the whole length of the table, and on this staircase, someone had spread out another cloth that covered each of its steps. I wondered in astonishment at what this ceremony might mean, but suddenly some people came to arrange many kinds of silver vessels on it: platters, chargers, plates, basins, vases, water pitchers, and all of them placed in very beautiful order, in such a way that this bore some resemblance to the altarpieces that are set up in our country on the feast of Corpus Christi. They once were accustomed, my guide said, to call this the buffet, but as terms are never the same in this country for two consecutive years, they now called it the credenza, and perhaps now they would change the name once again. On this table, there were several plates on which I thought I saw some little pieces of crystal, and on several others, some white thing that I took for salt. But I was mistaken: one was ice, and the other snow. At the foot of this table, we saw a great copper basin, full of water, in which there were many flasks and bottles, and a great big fat man was patrolling nearby as their bodyguard.

On the other side of this table there was a large basket, and in this basket many types of bread: one made with risen dough, the other with kneaded dough, yet another with leavening; one was soft, swollen, and salted, the other all flat and without salt; one was round, another long, another crescent-shaped; one smaller, the other a little larger. In short, there was bread of all ages and of all types. They only resembled each other in one regard, which was that not one had its natural crust. For they had been so scoured, that there was nothing left but a little loose crust. It is said that the most well-born people in this country are very subject to a certain illness which comes, so they say, from a Mediterranean country, and loosens their teeth so badly, that once they have had it, they must eat delicate crusts to protect them.^[170]

Nearby was another table where they put glasses and several other utensils. I contemplated all of these things very attentively, and marveled at their strangeness, but my guide burst out laughing, and told me that it took little to astonish me and that this was nothing compared to what he would show me. And so, taking me by the hand, he led me to the other end of the room, where we found another table, already all prepared, the tablecloth being of a linen that was very daintily damasked. But inasmuch as in this country the things which are in their natural state, whatever degree of perfection they might have acquired, are not at all agreeable to them unless they are disguised, this cloth had been folded in a certain manner, so that it greatly resembled some rippling stream that a light wind raised gently up. For among the many little folds, one saw a lot of ruffles.^[171] Under this cloth, there was another very smooth one, which was shorter than the one over it. This table was ringed by plates on both sides, except towards the high end of the table, where it seemed that there was a great empty space, although there was not, as I later saw,^[172] but it was a little cloth folded in another fashion even daintier than the preceding one, so that at first glance it seemed that there was nothing under it.

At the very end of the table, there was a fairly large vessel of gilded silver, and engraved all over, made in the form of a ship,^[173] except that it had a foot to hold it firmly on the table, and this nef served, from what I could see afterwards, to hold the fan and the gloves of the Lordlady of the place, when he had arrived.^[174] For the vessel opened and closed on both sides, and in one side were the napkins, which the Hermaphrodite was supposed to exchange for a used one, and in the other were placed the objects I described above. The other napkins that were around the table were disguised as many types of fruits and birds, and as I amused myself by contemplating this industriousness (not without wondering at the time wasted on such a pointless thing), I saw a fairly well-proportioned man enter, with a staff in his hand, followed by a number of pages, each bearing a covered dish.

The man who had the staff stationed himself at the end of the table, and meanwhile one who was there lifted that first tablecloth, under which I saw three sorts of plates, not in the same shape as the others. For there was a little round form at one end, which was raised, and a small, enclosed compartment the length of the plate, in the manner of the drawer or tray^[175] of a chest, where one could put the knife, the fork, and the spoon; on the rest of the dish, which was empty, one put the bread. I took this at first to be an inkstand, for I had seen similar ones among the lawyers of our country. But someone told me that on this Island here, they called it a cadenas.^[176] I do not know why they had given it that name, in the language of their country, unless it was because all their actions were taken under constraint; they cannot even eat their bread freely.

As soon as this first tablecloth was taken away, a gentleman servant came to place the dishes, all covered, on this table, in such a way that it was completely loaded down with food, without one being able to know what was there. Meanwhile I contemplated the engravings on the ship, which was at the end of the table and on which there were depicted many stories of the loves of Pan and Bacchus. I believed that this second cloth, which was folded in waves, had been placed in this way to make the ship sail better. As all of these dishes were set in order, we waited some time in profound silence, waiting for the company to arrive; furthermore, in this country, from what I am told, most of them prefer their food cold, rather than hot.

Suddenly, many people entered carrying instruments and placed themselves at one end of the room, while others with lutes and a musical horn placed themselves on the other side. Each of them amused themselves by tuning their instruments, and I occupied my mind by looking at the tapestry in that place, which was of gilded leather, mixed with green, and the borders all around represented at length the story and the sobriety of Vitellius, the delicious retreats of the good Tiberius on the island of Capri, those of the Domus Aurea of the debonair Nero,^[177] and many other antiquities, suitable to those who frequented this palace, from which I took as much pleasure as I did watching the ceremonies which were observed in this place. For it seemed to me that nothing had been put there except by design.

But as I was philosophizing about all these things, I heard a great noise from people who were arriving, which made me believe that this was the company coming to dine, about which I was not mistaken. For I saw a man enter in haste to raise the tapestry, immediately followed by those whom I had seen getting dressed before. The one whose bedchamber I had visited upon my arrival in the palace entered first, with the same gait that I had noticed in the others, except that he let himself lean even more negligently than the others had done, on one who had no hat on his head and who held up his hand. Two others followed him with the same solemnity; after them the rest of the brigade entered, each according to his fancy.

When all of these had entered, right away someone took a large basin from the altar of the credenza, made of gilded silver, with a water-jug made of the same material, and from one of the sides of the ship, which was on the table, they took a napkin folded with many little pleats. With all this, these three whom I just described washed their hands, then the attendants, who were handed other napkins, and then everyone went to sit down. The first three sat in chairs of velvet, made in a manner that they call “broken,”^[178] very far from each other. The rest of the troupe had seats that opened and closed like a backward waffle iron,^[179] and these were placed fairly close to each other.

When they were seated, people came to take away the lids that covered all these dishes, while others brought plates and napkins to the three who were seated in the folding chairs. But what I found amusing about all this was that someone came to place his napkin on the first one and attach it behind him, almost in the same fashion that one puts it on in our country for those who want to have their beard trimmed; this was done without great ceremony. I was told that he had it put on in this way, for fear of ruining the beautiful ruff. The others did not go to such lengths. Once they had all put on their napkins, they pushed their cadenas a bit to the side to make room for the plate that was brought to them. I could not help but be astonished at all these peculiar things. For it seemed to me that this was suited only for kings, and for great princes, who use the greater part of these things as much for the conservation of their life, principally for salt, than out of ostentation or ritual.

But the man who had served as my translator for all of the things that I had already seen, and whom I did not abandon, told me that I should not find this strange, for this was the custom of this country, that those who have the means to spend are permitted to play at being kings, princes, and monarchs, without being chided by anyone. “It is true,” he said, “that some, because they do not understand the relationship between their means and these high offices, most often convert their gold into fool’s gold.^[180] Furthermore, they adorn themselves with this borrowed money in most of their furnishings for a philosophical reason, as they say that this is very enjoyable and in this manner they can always live in good spirits, which they seek more than anything else. In addition, the Island is always floating, and those who have less have this advantage over the others who have so many things to carry about with them, that at least they can pack their bags very quickly.” These reasons pleased me greatly, and, to be honest, I could not keep from smiling to myself.

My guide said to me as well that these people still sat at table in the old manner and that in the modern style the middle was held to be the most honorable place. While we discussed these things among ourselves, three men came to station themselves, standing in front of these Hermaphrodites, each one with a napkin on his shoulder and a large knife in his hand, with which they cut up the meat that was most pleasing to those dining. These diners made them present all of the dishes like some company of soldiers moving in a circular formation. The diners stopped only the passing dishes they wanted and pushed away the rest with a little movement of their finger, for they did not even wish to take the trouble of speaking to those who were employed in this service.

The meats of this first course were so finely minced, cut up, and disguised that they were unrecognizable, and for this reason I focused on contemplation of their actions rather than try to identify the nature of the meats. They also brought as many mannerisms to eating, as in all of their other behavior, for, first, they never touched the meat with their hands, but with forks they brought it to their mouths while sticking out their necks and their bodies over their plate, which was changed very frequently. Even their bread was all sliced, without their having to take the trouble to cut it, and I think that they might have strongly desired that someone find an invention so that they would not thereafter have the trouble of chewing it. For, from what I could see, they had great trouble with this since many of them had false teeth that they had taken out before they sat down to the table.

Having in no way satisfied their great hunger in this first course (as we say in our jargon), the roast meat was brought with the same ceremony as the preceding course. They call this the second course. All of these meats were so sophisticated, either because of the sauces or because of the preparation, that I am certain I would bore you if I described it, along with the fact that I have forgotten about the better part of this course. I noticed only that several meats that we wrap in bacon in our country were not there; I thought that this omission was some Judaic custom. But my interpreter told me that this was only an affectation, and that in this country it was the custom to make a big deal of new things, as much in lifestyle as in clothing even when this might harm the health, so that they often ate things which were not at all to their taste. But if they were new, and above all foreign, they forced themselves to partake of them and to praise them in public in order to conform to the fashion.

Among these meats there were several pastries to which they had given alchemical names, such as excitation, erection, projection,^[181] multiplication,^[182] and other names signifying the nature and property of each thing. These constituted the better part of the feast, mixing many sips from the glass with nips from the teeth, most of all those at the far end of the table. For these three who were at the high end of the table did this with far more affectation. Beyond the gentleman servant who brought the glasses and tasted the wine, there were two more who brought the plates that I had seen on the credenza, which contained that snow and that ice, which the Hermaphrodite used to cool his wine, sometimes one, sometimes the other, as it struck his fancy. After this he shifted around a bit and, shaking his head, he took the glass very delicately and drank, while someone held a napkin under his chin for fear that he would spill something. Then he gave the glass back to the gentleman, who, pretending to kiss his hand, carried it away. Someone came after him, carrying another napkin on a plate, for they changed them in this way after each course, or even more often, every time they saw them dirtied.

Among these foods, I noticed several fish dishes, but I was told that they were brined. It seemed to me that this word was superfluous, for I knew that this was a mariner’s haul,^[183] but they did not find it to their taste unless it was disguised by this seasoning. There were also several platters of a salad that was not like those which we eat in our country, because there were so many sorts of things that those who ate them could barely distinguish what they were. The salads were in these large, enameled platters which were made with little hollows. They ate it with forks, for it was forbidden in this country to touch food with one’s hands, however difficult it might be to pick up, and they preferred that this little forked instrument touch their mouths rather than their fingers. This course lasted a bit longer than the first one, after which someone brought in artichokes, asparagus, and shelled peas and beans, and then it was a pleasure to see them eat these with their forks, for those who were not so dexterous as the others allowed as much to fall into the platter, on their plates, or on the way, as got into their mouths.

After this, fruit was brought in, but this was the least natural thing that they had, for it was almost all disguised in tarts, jellies,^[184] and other inventions. For they say that it is very damaging to the health when you eat fruit as it comes from the tree. Many other pastries were mixed among all this, especially since no matter what kind there were and however small the number of guests present, even when there was only the master of the place, the table had to be covered. Their reason for this was based on antiquity, for they said that it is enough that Lucullus comes to dine “chez Lucullus.”^[185] I thought this was the last course, but a short while later, I saw boxes being carried in on vessels of all sorts of colors, that they placed principally in front of these three Lordladies. In these were all sorts of dried preserves, but the one they made the most fuss about was a certain fruit jelly^[186] that was in a very large box four inches high. On this jelly, there were many figures made of sugar that represented Cupids and Venuses and others of a similar nature, and all this was mixed with gold and with red silk. These figures could easily be taken off without touching the jelly which was under them, for they were there only to please the eyes. They called this jelly marmalade. After all this they took a bit of preserved anise and others preserved quince, but it had to be with musk, otherwise it would have had no effect on their stomachs, which had no heat unless it was perfumed.^[187]

During the whole feast, they had engaged in many discussions, some saying that those men were happy who had fathers who wished to live in the manner of Fabricius,^[188] for by this means they left their children the money to spend so as to increase their standing in society. They could not help but say that these good people were very stupid to live so rustically and deprive themselves of all comfort so as to leave us rich and at our ease. “As for me,” said one, “I know well that I will do my best to leave no other heir but myself.” Another said, “my storehouse and my treasury will always be my pleasure and my sensual delight.” They also discussed at length the secret ceremonies of the Island of Paphos and of Mount Eryx,^[189] greatly regretting that this had been abolished as a public practice and swore by this same pleasure to employ all of their power to make them revered by all nations where their good fortune had placed them.

Among all this talk arose great complaints about the inadequate diligence of their cooks, who had no imagination when it came to disguising meats, and who always gave them the same seasoning. But from what I learned, their tastes were so corrupted, or rather so unnatural, that it would have required an infinite imagination to prepare the dishes and restore their appetites. Their discussions did not continue very long on the same subject, and some did not have the patience to allow others to say what they wished, so great was their desire to declare what they had conceived in their imagination. They talked for a fairly long time about ways of spending, how to avoid paying their servants or their debts, giving alms to the needy, or doing some work necessary for the public good, helping their friends, or advancing intelligent and virtuous people, and other similar things, for in all this they held that being very tight, very cheap, very miserly, very avaricious, very ungrateful, and very thankless, are marks of glory and honor, and sufficient evidence to convince others that he who behaves in this way is very clever. But they spoke of their magnificent furnishings, of their superb clothing, of their superfluous spending, and their disordered pleasures, as they believe that their money is well spent on these things, which should grant them the greatest glory and reputation, or so it seems to them.

This brought them to another discussion, of desires, in which each built castles in Spain,^[190] on the summit of the Pyrenees mountains, in order to command all of the countryside more easily. One wished for a hundred thousand écus^[191] to build a house according to his fancy; another wanted a hundred thousand pounds^[192] of income to maintain an honorable (as he said) and splendid house; another wished for the eyes of a lynx^[193] so that he could penetrate into the heart as if it were a book in which one could read others’ thoughts openly; another wished to be able to become a little bird so that he could take himself wherever he might wish at the instant that he wished it.

Each had infinite desires, which would be difficult to relate on account of their multitude and diversity, and in accordance with these, they created plans for which the chances of success were no better than their desires. But this did not cease to content their spirits, for they said that hope was one of the most necessary things in the world for a contented spirit. During these discussions, they mixed many lascivious gestures and words, which are not honorable to repeat; but in that country, a man is not believed to be gallant who doesn’t use these at every opportunity, for this is part of what they call being in good spirits. It is true that there are some who wish to feign being discreet, but if they do not speak of it in explicit terms, at the least they do by insinuation. This discussion dredged up so many memories that one said to his companion: “Do you remember this encounter, or you that folly, and you, some good luck that came to you in such-and-such a place?”

They also believe that keeping something secret is foolish, and smacks of stupidity; and in this alone they do not dissemble, because their vanity forces them to declare in public the favors that they have received from their ladies in particular, without even considering whether this could hurt their reputation. But to return to the discussion that I had left off, after each was satisfied with the delicacies, someone started to clear the table for those at the lower end, thus doing it in topsy-turvy fashion.^[194] And after everything had been taken away, they brought to those who had remained at the table (since most of them had arisen), a large basin of gilded silver with a vase of the same material, and in it was water in which essence of iris flower had been infused, with which they washed their hands, those at the high end separately, and those below them together. And yet these hands could not have smelled too much of meat or grease, because they had not touched that, except with a fork. But—what!—that was enough to have besmirched them, for according to them, anything that comes from within does not sully them; they are only sullied by that which touches them from the outside.^[195] Then, servants took the gloves and the fans of the first three from the ship and presented these to them.

After this, they took away the two tablecloths, and then spread out a large Turkish rug,^[196] which extended down to the ground, because they wanted to play reverse trump.^[197] Nonetheless, beforehand, this music of lutes and of voices that I had already heard began again. But my guide, who was starting to feel hungry again, prayed me to go dine with him at the table of the Chief Steward, for (he said) “these hollow foods are only suited for drunken men.” I was very easily contented with this invitation, since my stomach was starting to feel other desires than those I had heard about at this table. So, I very happily followed my man, hoping to give yet more nourishment to my spirit along with that of my body. This place where he led me was fairly dirty, and the odor of wine and meats mixed together brought a pretty disagreeable fragrance to the nose. But they were so accustomed to it that this did not upset them at all. This place was strewn with many tables pretty much like the refectories in our religious houses. It is true that silence was not so religiously observed, for they spoke all at once, and made so much noise all during dinner with their shouts, their yells, and their laughter, that I believe that those who are close to the waterfalls of the Nile do not hear anything louder.

As we had arrived there, someone gave us the means to wash our hands, and some also washed theirs with us, but only a few, and then everyone sat down at the table fairly abruptly, especially those at the other tables, for the tables were too short to hold the multitude, and each rushed and pushed each other to be able to take a place. As soon as everyone was seated, it was up to each to take everything they could grab here and there; in such a way that the most astute garnished their plates very well at the very beginning, for they could be sure that they would never be able to put their hands in the same dish twice. This great movement and this rapacious manner astonished me a bit at first, and I thought that they were all angry, but this was only anger against hunger. I think that I would have come away empty-handed, but the man who had brought me there provided for this by taking enough for two while I was amusing myself by watching them empty their plates. This dinner lasted only a very short while, for one had to work as fast with the teeth as with the hands; so that the better part of all of these troupes observed the rules of health, because they left the table still hungry, but in recompense they have in the daytime some Bacchic breaks, when they solemnly observe at their leisure the mysteries of Bacchus, so that all this was only preparation to give them an appetite, as we learned afterwards from the pilot of our ship.

We left this place pretty cheerful and well-disposed, for without any other ceremony each retired where he most needed to go. As for me, who did not at all abandon my guide, we returned to one of the chambers where I had already been, for he said that he had something to get from the wardrobe of the Hermaphrodite whose servant he was. This wardrobe was fairly spacious and set up in the manner of a haberdasher’s store, for there were hats, and in another place belts, here garters, there ruffs, some with great fat pleats, others with smaller ones; in one place the make-up table and the combs, and inside that some little boxes that I had not seen before. This made me ask what they could hold, and he said to me that sometimes his Lordlady put some into their pocket to use it from time to time. This made me take one to see what was inside and I found vermillion all prepared, which he [the Lordlady] applied to his cheeks, when the blush he had put on that morning had rubbed off. There were also those little pincers with which one curled their hair, and a little farther on lots of boxes and little bottles, some of simple glass with no designs, others gilded and carved, in which there were many liquids, some perfumes, others for color. There were also lots of little bottles and little dishes painted red inside, all of which were on small tables, which had been placed there for this effect.

We also saw a large table on top of which there was a sort of low raised platform, covering it. On this table, someone had put all sorts of clothing at one end, at the other some quantity of books, and a little bit beyond the clothes, some sort of half-heads were pinned to the tapestry. I was astonished to think what this mark of cruelty might mean, which seemed marvelously strange. But this honest man told me that the matter was not as cruel as I though it to be, and on this he detached one which was held only by a pin, and put it on his head, for in fact it was nothing but hair that had been cut and styled together. I asked him what purpose this had, and he told me that they were wigs for those whose heads were a little bare, either because of venereal contagions or more naturally. And inasmuch as in this country, people often have their heads uncovered, they use this sort of covering to avoid the bad encounter that the poet Aeschylus experienced.^[198] At the other end of this room, there was a great deal of armor hung there for the devoted protection of their virginity;^[199] they were very gilded, very light, and adorably^[200] decorated. They were there for show, and not for use. For there is no sword that would have dared to penetrate something so rich and so carefully made; so that the Masters of these never put them on except in extreme circumstances; even then, it was more as a sign of their greatness and to make the nobility of their courage more evident, than for any deed of arms that they might hope to succeed in using these.

There was a bed in the middle of this wardrobe where the valet slept, and the space all around this was full of chests. In one of these this honest man was seeking something he needed and found several papers, which he showed me, saying: “Here are two documents that someone presented several days ago to our man (this is how he named his Lord) as an odd thing because they say these were written by two heretics against the law of the Hermaphrodites.”

It is true that there was something in the last of these documents that was more agreeable to him than the first, because it related better to his thoughts, but nonetheless he said that this was from someone in a frenetic mood, who for lack of a better way to occupy his time had amused himself in imagining these words; and so, he left them on the table, as something he did not take very seriously. I held onto them very carefully,^[201] and even had several copies made to share with my friends, for he said, “even though I have been under the subjection of people who despised such things, I nonetheless did not leave off secretly embracing and following that which had some light of virtue.”

I very much valued his wisdom and his good inclination, praising God for having granted me such a fortunate encounter with him. And after having encouraged him as best as I could to continue in this holy deliberation, I prayed him to show me these documents. “It would be impossible,” he said, “to give you the time to read them, for I have to go find our people, but if you wish, I will give you a copy that you will keep out of love for me,” and then he presented me with one. I thanked him very humbly for all the courtesies he extended to me, feeling myself extremely obliged to him for the good will he had already shown to me on many occasions. “Leave aside,” he said, “all of these courtesies and all of these compliments, which are all too common on this Island, and hold these papers close so that they might not be recognized when our crowd is outside; this will serve to occupy your time while you wait for us to return from their promenades, where I suspect they might go soon, for I believe that I will soon have the pleasure of seeing you again, and of discussing with you some of the peculiarities of this culture that you have not yet noticed.” As he finished saying these things to me, a page came up to him to tell him to put a handkerchief at the window to see if there was any wind. I asked him why this ceremony was observed, he replied that it was out of fear that the sun might ruin the delicacy of their complexion, and I started to laugh heartily at their effeminacy. But on the contrary, he said, these things are greatly valued as essential signs of virtue. So, placing the cloth at the window and seeing that there was only a little tiny breeze, which made it flutter lightly, he said to me “I have to go tell them promptly.” And so, leaving this place, I followed him, holding tightly the papers that he had given to me, which I have also taken the trouble to translate as I did with their laws.

[Frame narrator]

We all begged him then to share them with us, and then that he had been so generous with us up to now, that he should not deprive us of this singularity. Having granted us this, he went to get them from the same place where he had taken the other papers, and presented them to us. We found in them these verses that follow:

Against Hermaphrodites

Profane one, whom vice has buried in this world,
Atheist who despises the Heavens so much.
In order to judge your evil, the depths of it must be measured,
So as to see in the depths the one who captured you.

Vice is nothingness, a void, a powerlessness,

Work without rest, a privation,
A great unruliness, a bitter memory,
A torment, a death, an imperfection.

This confusion, this deformed mass,

Comes to us through the senses, and takes root in the heart,
One provides the material and this other the form,
One fills us with wind and the other with rancor.

And then expanding and growing in malice,

It rises to the mind and ruins the intellect,
So much that reason annihilates itself in injustice,
Or sails without a pilot at the mercy of random winds.

His goal (he says) is only to banish misery,

To content the spirit and charm our labors,
But this horrible Sphinx, this Panther-skin,
Hides cruel furies beneath these words.

For the soul trusting in this Punic faith,^[202]

Seduced by the senses surrenders to its enemy.
But Regulus, you are losing your poor republic
And die by your eyes, having seen only dimly.

While this proud tyrant in his victory,

Gives the senses all power over actions,
So that his trophy and his greatest glory,
Is to see us driven by all of the passions.

And here the advisor, the monarch, the guide

Who steers to the pleasures of a delightful port:
But break this reed, there is only the void,
And the songs of this Swan predict death.

Regrets and pains are the rewards he conceals,

And that he keeps until the end for his most favored ones,
For pleasure is brief and pain is immortal,
And the cleverest are often surprised by this.

But virtue is neither deceitful nor flattering,

She teaches pain at her beginning,
But afterwards she gives the blissful life,
Rest for the spirit, and all contentment.

If you wish to save yourself, place yourself under this Plane tree,^[203]

Leave your vain pleasures, become a good man.
For one cannot taste the celestial manna,
If one has not consumed the Egyptian bread.^[204]

Do not be astonished if sometimes you travel

On loathsome paths full of adversity.
For it is through the bushes and among the thorns,^[205]
That God can be found, rather than in sensual pleasure.

If hope for future good cannot move your soul,

At least let the present encourage you somewhat,
The test will make you understand that this flame,
Can moderate the heat of its excesses.

You will feel moderation reign in you,

Justice will be the mistress of your heart,
All of your advice will be directed by prudence,
And you will be guided by happiness in the end.

So love the Eternal one, adore his nature,

You cannot ignore the deeds of this Mover:^[206]
For if you wish to read well in each creature,
You will always know what your creator is.

Then travel to the East, leave this dark night,

Renounce the friendship of the cruel Geryon,^[207]
To take pleasure in the Sun turn your back to the shadow
All sorrow always comes from this Northern place.

You can no more see the sky and the earth at the same time,

Than you can unite Hell with Paradise.
God loves only daylight and the one who imprisons you
Only wants the dungeons of the great Idol Dis.^[208]

But lift this mask a bit, and uncover his fraud

You will immediately lose the desire to love him:
For if you taste God with a pure and holy soul,
You will find afterwards that the world is very bitter.

Following these verses, there was a document with the title:

On the Sovereign Good of Man

and it began in this way:

The eye is not at all capable of seeing the light if it does not open, nor is man capable of divine grace, if he does not dispose himself towards it. For just as we only enjoy corporeal things through the senses, so we can only possess the spiritual ones by faith, and this faith is the foundation of that disposition. I say the foundation, for since faith without works is dead,^[209] it seems that our actions are no less necessary for eternal life, than aspiring to it and breathing it in the temporal one. These two poles (faith and works) guide us on this great ocean of miseries for the duration of our navigation in order to make us arrive at last at the port of a very happy immortality. This is why it is necessary not only to have faith in order to conceive of the sovereign good^[210] but also to lead a sanctified life in order to be able to comprehend it.

“But this faith, these works, this sovereign good,” the Atheist will say, “are such great lights that they serve as shadows to our eyes. Why do you want me to recognize in myself something I do not at all feel? Give me something which is familiar to me. Everything strange is contrary to my nature; I believe what I see and that which I can understand. I call Eternity this vicissitude of things, and in my opinion works aspire more to bring recompense and some glory among men than to this future beatitude. I do not enter at all into these eternal halls.

“Earth is my mother, my nurse, and my grave, she is my life, my delight, and my final goal. This circle must end where it began, I know nothing more beyond it. All these ancient reveries do nothing but diminish my life, deprive me of contentment of mind, and take from me that which is so sought after by all men, glory and pleasure. For what reason should one suffer so much trouble in a brief life? Why delude oneself with the chimeras of hope: let us live. But what is this life, if not to have lots of riches before a man, to content his appetites and his desires?^[211] The beauty of women, the delicacy of cuisine, the delicious flavor of fruits, the sweetness of harmonious instruments, pleasant gardens, lascivious dances, wittily pleasant speech, disdain for tasks, except for those that can bring in some wealth, the attentive care for one’s health, to be always magnificent in one’s outfits, to have a good appearance for others and make oneself respected, to have a cheerful temperament, without making oneself sad about public or private woes.

“All of these things joined together are my Paradise, to live in this liberty is my sanctity. All of this knowledge learned with so much labor, this continual care of the republic, and this subjection to so many laws and royal orders, this is my Purgatory. These fasts, this elevation of the spirit, this regimentation of life that some call virtuous, this is my Hell. I call virtue that which preserves my life and gives me contentment, everything else is a vice to me. Take away from me this word ‘religion,’ for far from uniting me with myself, it sets me against myself. It is an invention by the great for their maintenance: all of these ceremonies, and these edicts are chains to imprison our wills. Climb up one rung on this ladder of state, and you will recognize immediately all of these false faces. To control oneself is to force oneself; in contrast, to follow one’s inclinations is to travel on the Royal route of all happiness. What is the purpose of this genealogy of celestial and infernal spirits? One reeks of mania, the other of Lycanthropy, nothing is superior to man, everything is a yoke to him. He does not rise up against the heavens, this region is too deserted, nor does he descend below the earth, this abode is too obscure, but staying in one state, he exists always in himself, staying in the womb of the mother who conceived him, to produce afterwards new offspring. And I call all of these things Faith, Hope, Charity, and sovereign good. I cannot perceive that which lies beyond, and as a consequence it is but a void, nothingness.”

These are the discourses of impiety, which I wanted to show to you in their true light as they reign at this time, so that in assailing their better fortified positions, their terraced ramparts, what remains would surrender to better terms. But in order to respond to him in particular, it is better to offer some clarifications, for fear that confusion might hide the truth in its shadows.

Among all mortals, I recognize three sorts of wills, and three different opinions on the sovereign good. The first have a love, entirely corporeal, without any desire for spiritual things, of which they are ignorant. Their hope also crawls on the ground and remains buried in that which is the crassest. The second have a love which is all spiritual, without any care for corporeal things, which they disdain, and their final goal also rises above all the heavens, purified of all that which can be terrestrial and corrupted. And the third, sharing in these two, do have some affection for the earth, as for their use, and yet their greatest good is in the Heaven, to which they aspire. I call the first worldly, the second celestial, and the third prudent. All other opinions are conjoined to these, and while they might seem dissimilar, in effect they are of the same form as these. Their nature must thus be examined after I have defined this supreme felicity: The sovereign good is an infinite and perdurable beatitude, which contains within itself all that can be desired, and that man strives to acquire so that he might enjoy it for all eternity.^[212]

So all men who put their sovereign good in something that is mortal and perishable, which contains in itself some flaw and which they can only enjoy for a while, have souls filled instead with anxieties, afflictions, and discontent, rather than repose and tranquility. As a consequence, they are in perpetual blindness, without end, without beginning, and without joy. It remains to me then to show these three opinions separately so that one can judge with more assurance. I will begin with the worldly.

This species of man for which the soul only serves as a preservative to impede the awareness of their own corruption, who drown in pleasures and call unhappiness all that separates them from these, for whom shadows serve as light, disorder as organization, truly are right to place their final goal here below. For since they have only lived for the earth, they cannot be changed into another nature than that of their upbringing. He who wishes to climb to heaven must become celestial; this saintly abode only receives those who have tasted its ambrosia. This is why these men do not care whether they arrive there, as instead of desiring it, they despise it. But inasmuch as they make use of appearances and remain in the domain of nature,^[213] it seems that they do not stray from reason. I want to show what is the composition of man, his origin, and his end.

Man has two essential parts in himself without which he cannot be man, that is, the soul and the body. The soul, indivisible in itself and distinct in its effects, has three faculties: intellect, memory, and will. The body similarly is composed of three principal parts: being, life, and feeling. Even though it does not have life and sense originating in itself, but only by participation, nonetheless the vegetative and sensitive souls,^[214] as we call them, are more mediators between the spirit and the body than purely spiritual things and are corporeal in their actions. I think I am not mistaken to link them to the cause of their creation. For it is furthermore by the sensitive soul that the body unites itself to the soul, obeys the soul, and glorifies itself with the soul, when she first joins to the soul by inducement. So also in separating, she is the reason that instead of both finding life in the ashes (as I call the mortification of the flesh), she encounters the tomb.^[215] And as there is a midpoint between the body and the spirit, a link between these extensive distances, so there is a means between the soul and the divine for the union of these two extremes.

This is what some call abstract or separate intellect, which is no other thing than a divine grace, acting sometimes in the understanding to teach us, sometimes in the will, to urge us on. In the first, we call it intelligence, in the other, conscience.^[216] So that it is through this grace that all happiness comes to us, when we believe in it; and on the contrary, all unhappiness accompanies us, when we neglect it. And inasmuch as it is always pure and holy, without mixing with any corruption, when others let themselves be carried away by selfishness and by their delights, against its guidance, it lets them bear the repentance for their obstinacy and return straight to the place of their origin. If, on the other hand, they have studied to obey it, then all triumphant with glory, for having overcome the devil, the world, flesh, in their soul, in their senses, and in their lives, it leads those who have adopted such a faithful and voluntary belief to immortality. This is the composition.

As for the origin, this is the argument that this profane man^[217] put at the beginning and the end of his speech, by which he wishes that we be Aborigines born from the soil^[218] like the people of Cadmus. And truly the teeth of this terrifying serpent, our common enemy,^[219] could not produce other men than these madmen, who, turning against their own nature, destroy themselves, thinking that they are converting each other. Is it to be believed that the earth, so powerless herself, which needs at every moment celestial influence for the generation of her creatures, so rough, so dense, so full of corruption, surrounded by all of the other Elements, is the first principle of man, seeing as he is much more excellent, more perfect, and more accomplished than she, even than all of the Elements together? Who will believe also that our origin is Heaven or the stars, since we see change, even alteration, in their movements? Do you not confess that the Sun is more beautiful, more perfect, and more accomplished, that it has more power and virtue than all of the other stars, even than heaven itself? And nonetheless do we not notice daily the slowing of its course? Its eclipses, even if it is only from our perspective, are they not a lack of power of the one whose light we perceive with our senses, and is it not lacking in its principle effect? And nonetheless we have seen palpable shadows appear in the middle of the day, without adding to the list that great and universal eclipse that happened to this beautiful star everywhere in the universe against all natural order at the death of the Savior.

Finally, can you call sovereign principle that which you understand and measure so clearly and so palpably? That thing which understands always surpasses that which is understood, and that which can be measured cannot have given the first measurements. I say this as much about the sky as about the Sun, and all of the stars. Experience teaches us every day that these measurements are not at all imaginary because we find exact calculations in our prognostications, and our understandings are not false, since they are linked to effects. Where will we find then a principal cause worthy of man? After having spoken of everything that is so excellent, which I have nonetheless found to be defective, I cannot choose that which is lesser. What then will the whole universe together create? But this would be to return to the ancient Chaos: this being entirely unbelievable, even impossible, that so many qualities so different and contrary, originally created themselves. If this were true, then there must have been between them equal power; otherwise, one must be confessed to be superior. And yet, we note among them those that are quite inferior, some in relation to others, even very vile and abject. Add to this that following the maxim that I cited above, man still understands all these things, and knows the distinctions and the properties, and, what is more, uses them and puts them in order. Is then man the author of nature? Poor creature, you would not know how to reform the least of your imperfections, you do not often have the freedom to exercise your own will (even though this is the faculty over which you have the most power), how would you create anything? You do not know how to preserve; could you be the creator of life? You do not know how to give it back to those from whom you have taken it. If your forefathers sometimes had this power, there would be some scrap of it remaining in you. But you can hardly restore, you destroy, and the better part of your actions are more forced upon you than voluntary. And even that which you call life, and which you enjoy only as a thing you have borrowed, and that you enter and leave without your consent, is nothing other than a continual death.

We must thus come to you, Sovereign, Eternal, Infinite, Incomprehensible Essence, without end and without beginning, a simple one in Trinity, Trinity in unity, original source of life, God, Creator of might, the unique blessing and felicity of reasoning creatures.^[220] It is through you that we receive our being, to you that we request its preservation, and in you that we desire to make a perfect union. It is you who having pulled man out of nothingness, formed him in your image and semblance, and adorned him with all of the graces that could be wished for. You have made subject to him all of the creatures that you have created, for his benefit and his use, which power he could have maintained, if he had wished to obey you. To you then alone be the honor, the glory, and the praise for always, and to us the shame and confusion, from which nonetheless your grace and infinite mercy will deliver us sometimes according to its usual goodness. And here is our true origin, to which there is no reply, because this principle can do everything, possess everything, comprehend everything, and beatify everything.

As to the end of human nature, since we have found an origin for it, it must end at some point. And since all things that are in the world were created for man and for his use, when he has come to an end, then this great everything must return to nothingness, but divine prescience and providence have ordered otherwise. For, by an ineffable virtue and wisdom, it had made it so that man drawing and converting into his nature the substance of all things, as their final purpose, offers afterwards all of it as a sovereign loan from these, together with his own will on the altar of faith and in the brazier of very ardent charity as a peaceful sacrifice at the feet of the very holy Trinity, which receiving them with an eye full of mercy, gives them permanent and immutable being through their conjunction with blessed Eternity. This is the last end of man, his contentment and his sovereign good and the true circle which this other one mocked at the beginning of his speech.

But as the sight of a great and rich treasure is useless to the man who cannot use it, so the knowledge of the sovereign good is superfluous, if we do not dispose ourselves to enjoy it; this is what causes me to outline such teachings here, assuring me that common sense, your zeal, and the divinity itself will supplement my insufficiency (adding that I promise you to discourse on the distinction of the sovereign good) provided that you permit me to add here several points concerning immortality. Because it is on this tail that this dragon draws along the brightest stars, I mean the most unbridled spirits.

Human understanding cut off from Divine intelligence is truly a deplorable thing. All of its beliefs are only vanities, its discourses only absurdities. It contradicts itself, and all puffed up with glory and with presumption, it voluntarily leaves behind the light of the true good, to follow the blindness of ignorance and error. See in this example, it has raised its man in appearance, above all other creatures, and suddenly, it makes him the most miserable of all things created when you think you see the apogee of his greatness. For if man has no other end than that which is beneath him, so when he dies all things end with regard to him, in what can I recognize his excellence and his superiority? Will this be in the length of his life? How many animals surpass him in this? Very few men arrive at eighty years, and yet you will find among the beasts those which live one hundred and three hundred years. Will it be in his strength? He is almost the weakest of all. In his health, he is the unhealthiest and most imperfect. The others are subject only to certain illnesses, but such a man has been found who has had all sorts of illnesses, in one very short life. As for agility, he is surpassed by almost all. As for the dexterity and industry: they have taught him, even teach him every day, some new discovery. I would say even more, that all the best that he knows in this regard, he took from them. What then, is it in commanding and in obedience that all things give place to him? On the contrary, I see there only the revolt of all things. The smallest and weakest of animals are those who most frequently wage the cruelest war upon him. Where will I find this distinction then? It is a thing beyond all speech, to say that all creatures have some organization in them, even have seniorities and degrees of excellence and command, in all of their species, and that man who nonetheless has use of all these things is surpassed by them in his life and equaled by them in his end. His own corruption and that of his fathers cannot acquire life for him in sovereign fashion, so the throne of his Empire must be immortality. Although the reasoning soul that has no elemental corruption at all, nothing corporeal, dies, and the senses that served it as the means of functioning and the body as the instrument for its actions remain completely annihilated, this cannot make an impression on a well-composed understanding. The first must, by its essence, and the others by participation and conjunction, after having been purged once again of their defects, enjoy all together that which was acquired by them at their creation. Infinite arguments could be brought forth to prove the immortality of the soul. But here I will just take a few of them.

• That which neither grows nor diminishes in its substance must be immortal, since we note that death comes to creatures by these two routes. So, the soul of man has these properties. It is thus immortal.
• That which is incorruptible is immortal, the annihilation of things taking place only through corruption; and nonetheless we note that the more the human soul is constrained, the less it is oppressed. It is thus incorruptible and as a consequence immortal.
• That which shows itself more vigorous either when the body weakens in old age or dies altogether, is immortal: the soul of man shows itself to be such through desire and many others of its functions: it is thus immortal. Who could deny also that that which makes us desire to perpetuate our children is immortal, and where can this desire be born other than in the human soul?

And this plurality of objects of different sorts of matter, that pertain to it, without changing its spiritual form, what is this other than a sign of immortality?

In short, that which has authority and command over the mortal body cannot be anything other than immortal. And it is through this precious reward that our soul, finite in relation to God, infinite with regards to other inferior creatures, removes all things from mortality and reunites them to the unity through the union of humanity with Divinity as I said above. Let this man^[221] no longer speak to us of the vicissitude of things, for just as they began their course at the command of the celestial Emperor, they end it as well in their union with the earthly Emperor. Let this thus be held as constant and irrevocable that the human soul is immortal, that by means of it the senses and the body are beatified, that in it all creatures receive blessings.

I have sufficiently demonstrated to you, as much as the brevity of this discourse has been able to allow me, that man had his origin at some time, and nonetheless he was immortal, and I have struck down as much as I could the impious propositions that this Atheist alleged to the contrary. He must now show some anatomy of pleasure that he holds for his sovereign good.

Pleasure is nothing other than a tickling of the sensual appetites at the same moment as they enjoy the thing desired. I consider it in its source, its progress, and its end. It gives birth to itself in us through the knowledge that we have of beauty, and of harmony, of the odor, the sweetness and the delicacy of something that we love: but as much as perfection taken in its center only recognizes itself to a certain point, the enjoyment of this perfection must be like an inexplicable sensation. This is why man often repeats his actions, in order to have as much of this perpetual pleasure as is possible. In vain nonetheless, since he cannot join it to his substance; and although this happens in some things, he would have to first dissolve, and destroy their perfection before being able to make the conversion. For although he reunites everything in God, it is by the dissolution of forms and of properties, so that he always lacks that which he wishes the most. And if after a long repetition of these things his desire is satisfied, then instead of receiving some contentment, he only has satiety and disdain for that which he sought after so much. So you see that pleasure is only a disorder in its very origin, a defect in its progress, and a disgust in its end.

And so how much disquiet does one receive before this shadow of felicity appears? With how much work, solitude, hatred, and envy does one achieve enjoyment of something? Is it not true that as soon as the pleasure masters man, in the same instant all troubles hang over his head? They say that there is nothing as costly as time, so much so that neither the past nor the future is in our power any longer, and the present flows away so quickly, that this moment and this atom is nothing more than something that subsists. But I say that there is nothing as costly as pleasure, not because it resembles time in the rapidity of its action, but because it is bought at the peril of the soul’s life, and very often that of the body. For who could have produced for us this long genealogy of fevers? From where come so many tumors, so many humors, so many unknown maladies that are born every day in us, if not the excesses of our fathers and ourselves? And these excesses, are they not the flowers of pleasure, just as the maladies are their fruit? We resemble those who are bitten by those little serpents, that they call tarantulas; we laugh, we sing, but this Sardonic^[222] laugh leads us to an eternal end. I said that it makes us lose the life of the soul, not that this soul dies through the loss or annihilation of its essence, but because the separation from the author of life is to it an eternal death. So it is that the soul that consents to the pleasure of the body mixes itself by this consent into the corruption that ensues. From this it happens that it is full of troubles, sorrows, jealousies, vain hopes, despair, inconstancy, and wild imaginings, that have engendered in it so many errors, crimes, and disobedience against the sovereign, forming its actions directly against his will. In such a way that, deprived of grace, it falls into dark shadows entirely contrary to its nature, which breathes only light. And these are the flowers and the trees of the pleasure gardens in this delicious paradise, the rivers of tears serve as fountains there, the sighs, repentances, and regrets are the humming of its most adorable birds.

But let us grant something to this crazed person and take the case that his sovereign good might be that which he described to us, still he must confess according to his own definition, that to be happy he must possess fully and in sovereign manner everything he has described in detail. For he who would enjoy only one part could not be happy, inasmuch as he would be lacking something needed to possess all pleasure (since it is not at all in one single thing, but in all things) and he would be taking many more pains to acquire that which he does not have, so that he would not receive contentment in the enjoyment of that which he does possess. And who is he in this world who has achieved this goal? The greatest monarchs could only do it with great difficulty. That monster of nature Heliogabalus^[223] ransacked the ocean and the earth, ruined all men and his own nature, even preparing ways of tasting it in death, and nonetheless he knew only how to draw out the shadow of pleasure because he was never content. I know very well that some will say that women content them infinitely, and that every time they take pleasure in them, it is a sovereign happiness, or rather, as the ancients say, they fall down as many times from epilepsy. But beyond what I have discussed above, in what pleasure might consist, I will add that if they want to add to their ledgers the disdains, the cruelties, the contempt, the terrors, and the hatreds, particularly if they love in a forbidden place (for otherwise they would not take this to be pleasure) and if they know the horrible illnesses that it produces, ulcers, gout, universal trembling of all members of the body, a befuddling of the brain, loss of judgment, and diminution of life, with a disgust for the pleasure at the very moment of enjoyment, they will have more cause to call this martyrdom and a plague, than happiness and joy. They will say as well that there are long-lasting pleasures, such as things that we see and that we hear, but they do not say that these are imperfect delights that bring with them a desire for even greater pleasure.

Because, as for the first,^[224] although it lasts some time, it nonetheless offers an imperfect enjoyment of what a man sees. The other pleasures^[225] tickle more, but they engender a satiety immediately. If sight and hearing have some duration beyond those other sorts of pleasure, it is because they are more spiritual than the other senses, the delights of which are less enduring, the cruder they are. This should serve as a strong argument for these poor blinded people, that since among corporeal things that which has some degree of spirituality brings longer contentment (although imperfectly), then the sovereign beatitude must be entirely spiritual, and engage the entire spirit. This is also what one feels, principally in pleasure, for the body is only a canal through which running water passes, and the consent of the soul is that which causes pleasure. Try whatever pleasure you wish, if you do not think that you will find it without delights; and although the soul cannot accept in itself these corruptible things, it is nonetheless by means of it that we can possess them. So, I told you that a substantial exchange was necessary for a real and durable enjoyment. One must thus seek spiritual things, since the soul rejects the corporeal things that are contrary to its nature. And here is how we might seek these spiritual things:

This infinite mercy which created man for its glory, as it loves more than anything the works of its hands, wishing to draw him out of the abyss of misery where he threw himself, gave him certain laws and certain means, with which he could beatify himself, by using them according to the form in which they were granted to him. And so that he might have knowledge of his Creator, to whom he is infinitely indebted for so many kindnesses received from his generous hand, and so that his feeble weakness not make him enter into some sort of despair, and from fear that his fragility and corruption should prevent him from accomplishing completely that which was commanded, mercy had reduced all of these laws into one sole precept, which is the most familiar and the most unconstrained that might be found in man, by which he might pay off his debt in a way that is entirely in his power and in accordance with his inclination. Knowing well that if we loved him with all our heart, even if we held him in as much affection as we did terrestrial things, all of his commandments would be sweet and easy for us. For we know then that our soul is more engaged in action than remaining in its potentiality, and where it loves, there it acts in spiritual manner. This is why just as we earn our living as bodies by working, so the life of the soul is earned by loving. Corporeal things join together and approach each other by corporeal movements and passions, but spiritual things join together only by love. Thus, we are transported from death to life by that which we love. It is also true that the love of God is as appropriate and natural as living, for since we were created by God through love, so by means of the same love we must be returned to him. But since we are not simply spiritual, but corporeal and spiritual together, and we are no less obliged to our Creator for the body than for the soul, it is quite reasonable that man gives homage to him for so many good things that he has received and receives. This is why he has instituted certain ceremonies by means of which we might acknowledge him and affirm openly that which we believe privately, which together with the commandments we call religion, because the inseparable union of these two things connect us with and join us to the sovereign good, from which we had been separated by corruption. This is why religion is not a useless thing, nor is it contrary to our contentment, as the detractor above wishes to make us believe, since it has a foundation in the divine, and it leads us to the enjoyment of an eternal felicity.

Who will wish to enjoy this Kingdom acquired at the price of a blood that is so precious, let him preserve it by means of good self-control, of temperance, and a ruling of all his actions according to the compass and the ruler which have been granted to him by his nature. And we should not be surprised at all if we endure some pain in this practice. To acquire eternity, there is nothing that should not be suffered. How much do we endure so often to preserve a languishing life full of pain and misery only because of the belief we hold that life is such a great thing? And nonetheless we hope to persuade ourselves that immortality can be acquired without difficulty: this is not possible; moreover, it is not just. So, divinity has always moderated his actions with mercy and with justice. Not that we receive these things immediately from it, but through its ministers, those which are superior dedicated to rewards, and those inferior to punishment. And let this man mock as much as he wishes, things have been so ordered by the supreme majesty. He has some reason to doubt the former, for his blindness prevents him from sensing their saintly admonitions, but even if he has a bit of understanding and judgment, he should very feelingly fear the tyranny of the others, not as much for the present but for the future, if he does not admit his defect. For then the cruel pains which they will make him suffer will teach him, at the peril of an eternal death, that there is a sovereign power beyond all that he has imagined. I could offer a long description of these spirits, and I could prove by natural and perceptive reason that the visions of them are not merely vapors forged in the brain, nor corporeal illnesses, as he wants to make us believe. But this would merit its own discussion; I would only say that Dion^[226] and Brutus for paganism, both wise, very sane, very prudent, and very knowledgeable, Abraham, Tobias, and all of the prophets for Judaism, the Evangelist Saint John, the Corinthian adulterer,^[227] and all of the Apostles of Christianity have left us very remarkable examples, along with the experience we gather every day, as much where we live as in foreign countries. Let us then leave this worldly man to enjoy at his leisure his sovereign good, or rather his extreme misery (for thus you can understand it) and turn to that of the celestial man.

I give him this epithet rightly, for in purifying himself of all that which is earthly and mortifying all of his senses in order to obey God, he remains perpetually raised into divine contemplation having great disdain for corruptible things and sovereignly loving his sovereign. He unites himself so perfectly in him that even death is very desirable to him, as long as it is agreeable to his sovereign. Also, to die for divine honor is to flourish in eternal springtime. Afflictions are very pleasing to him, and he holds as a true saying that a tranquil life without any waves is a dead sea. He is the one who teaches us that love often penetrates where natural knowledge remains excluded. Also, he loves entirely the one who loves him in all ways and everywhere. In him we see clearly the practices of those things necessary to achieve the sovereign good. He enjoys it before his time, as it is true that the more love spreads, the more it multiplies and increases the joy that comes from it. But, oh, how rare are these Hercules who follow this thorny path? How few have arrived at this lofty contemplation? Nonetheless, such men exist. For even though we are in an age lost in vices and pleasure, still I can say that there has not been a century so evil that it didn’t bring with it some man of truly exceptional virtue, and that the number of those who have achieved the perfection of a very rare saintliness is found to be greater than those who have been evil in the extreme. In this God makes apparent his power over the efforts of his enemy.

As for the prudent man, he is the one who, mingling with the world, uses what is in this world for him to use with some contentment, who respects the judge, who obeys the law, who strives to use his knowledge to be helpful to his neighbor. And who nonetheless acknowledges that everything he has comes from the generosity of his sovereign, to whom he gives credit for all of his actions, without however the same degree of dignity as the celestial ruler. But who turns away from evil as much as he can, doing good as much as he can practice it among men, giving them his prudent advice, serving as inspiration by his example. This man teaches the worldly that knowledge is very necessary for human life. That it is through this knowledge that we recover health, that we administer justice, that we establish order, that we preserve states, and that we understand oracles and the Divine Will. He is the one who teaches that kings, that our superiors, spiritual as well as temporal, have not usurped their powers, but are so authorized by the Sovereign Monarch to rule us and to guide us under his authority. This man’s objective has two goals, God and our neighbor, not by any simple and freely given affection, but by a genuine action (although our two goals are but one and the same thing, since one is linked to the other). So he has espoused action, just as the celestial man has chosen contemplation. And at all times he has not remained entirely tied to worldly things, believing that one does not achieve greater spiritual freedom by living in a vast prison. Also, that the more possessions we have in this world, the more completely we are prisoners, but not more tranquil in ourselves if we put our affection in these things. Happy three and four times he who in the great turmoil of the business of this world has before his eyes that it is more expedient to never have existed, than to be deprived of well-being. Happy he who can control himself and his affections, as not only from this tyranny (as our impious man called it) do we acquire glorious, eternal, and very happy life, but also the health of the body achieved by the regulation of our actions and a tranquility of spirit by the moderation of our affections, which we can call a terrestrial sovereign good, since only by this means can we receive some contentment among the miseries of life.

[Frame narrator]

Here is what this first discourse contained. All of us remained astonished at the boldness of one who dared to discuss such great things in that place, and even more that people who had such enlightened understanding could be found in that country. But this gentleman told us that we should not marvel at one or the other fact, inasmuch as for the first point, the Hermaphrodites do not care at all what one might say about them or about their way of life. For there is no truth so eloquent that it might persuade them to change their tune.

[Storyteller]

As for the second (he said) even though the better part of humanity leads the sort of life that you could have heard about above: nonetheless there are among these a fair number of good people, who prefer virtue to all other things. It is true that they are rarely seen, for what power does virtue have in places where vice rules? The virtuous take advantage only of circumstances and chance encounters to make their light appear sometimes among such deep shadows, as you could see from this discourse. And for the next treatise, it was written concerning a question that was debated among those who make a declaration of virtue,^[228] some nonetheless more contemplative than others, who wish that those who live in the world might be without any care for temporal things, while others uphold the contrary view. You can see from this little discourse whether their reasons have some appearance of truth.

[Frame narrator]

And upon this we unfolded the paper, where we found written in these terms:

That the Soul of Man Should be Concerned
with Temporal Things

Our thoughts should not be fixed upon the earth any more than the arrow in the air, someone once said. For the sovereign good of man in the course of this life depends only upon a tranquility of spirit. So this repose cannot be engendered by things that are changeable and perishable, as all things earthly are. One has to rise higher in order to acquire happiness. All this has a great deal of verisimilitude. But who could continually separate himself from the body, other than in death? And this continual elevation, what is it other than a separation? I know well that the soul is the life of the body and one has to preserve life in order to have life. That is to say that this divine image cannot maintain itself in its perfect state, except by meditations upon the divine. But who would deny that the senses are the cement and the joining of these incompatible things, the soul and the body, life and death, the incorruptible and the corrupt? The soul must command the senses and the senses must guide the body, in such a way that it is through them that the affection of the corporeal for the spiritual is achieved. It is by this means that this animated clay carries itself to the temple of immortality. This is an admirable way, if we knew how to understand it well, and even more so if we could use it well. For just as the life of the soul is divine grace, the life of the senses is an aid to reason. Thus, the maintenance of the body depends only on the good guidance of the senses, assisted by this first movement (reason). It is true that these last two (senses and reason) are for some time deprived of life, or rather they pass into a more perfect being, if they have lived well (for it is rather a living death since they will immediately after be revived in Eternity). But nonetheless they are both corporeal, fed by the body, known through corporeal things, and although the soul is superior, yet she is created at the same time as the body and the senses are engendered. That is to say that she must help them perpetually as long as she is tied to them. It is a strange thing that the spirit must make itself a body in order to “spiritualize” the body. Yet it must be, but through reason. For if she wanted to content herself with herself and without working for those associated with her, she would lose all of her glory, and not be capable of uniting with the unity except by means of her merit, which depends only on her rule. For her action consists in this. So, how can she act, or by what thing might she make herself known, if not by her faculties? She must help them, then, guide them, and maintain them. For if, on the other hand, she wanted to show complacency towards their appetites and desires, and forgetting her rank and her mission, she made herself slave to their wishes, then she would very much merit to be deprived of sovereign being for having let herself be driven to annihilation. For she would have rendered useless the intention of her creator, which was that she should take the most refined of these impure things, and draw them to her in order to join them with her.^[229] The way in which she can then hold these contrary things together will be to make it so that the body, the senses, and she herself are only reason. By this I mean that she must not be so spiritual that she does not think she has a body that must be maintained in order to be used freely, and that she must also not be so corporeal that she does not remember her essence and that she is the second cause of the beatitude of herself and her body.

So, do not tell me anymore that one must perpetually have the spirit focused on celestial things. I am permitted, no, I am even ordered, to think about that which is corporeal, and provided that one can always note reason incorporated in me, and a body rising little by little to that which is the spirit, I will always be in the process of completing my creation. I said “little by little” because this has to be done in this manner. Our life runs in cycles of many years before it arrives at its tropics.^[230] Why then do you want that which is the easiest thing in life, which is to live, to be guided to its goal by a long passage of time, and that which is most difficult, which is perfection, to be achieved in one moment? No, the order of things does not wish it to be so. Allow then my senses to fight for a while in order to be more worthy. But I want them to fight, for I am not at all from the Island of Hermaphrodites, nor of the sect of Epicurus; I do not want to stifle the spirit, I want it to shine within me, to take action, even to overcome the body as much I can, and by means of supreme aid, but through reason.

I know that I was born among men, in a certain country, and in a state, that is to say under certain laws. Why do you find it bad if, when I see these suffering men, the country ruined, and the laws overturned, I speak of it, I complain, and I meditate on the means to rebuild? Do I not know that I am bound together with them? That in losing this I lose myself, that this upheaval would overwhelm me under their ruin? My senses, which by some sort of premonition predict future misery and feel apprehension that is so much greater, because they see from far off misfortune arriving in great haste, and the vegetative part of the soul, which fears want above all, causes them even more trouble, so that these Ideas presented so many times can only give birth to discourse appropriate to its primary cause. This is why these days you hear almost the whole world talk about the misery of the times.^[231]

I know very well that you think you have won this debate. For here I am (you will say), all corporeal, entirely attached to the useful and the corruptible. But just wait, and you will find that I have lifted myself up to the Archetype, for I recognize the causes of these disorders. I know that evil comes from us and that punishment comes from on high. Thus, we only blame ourselves for our dissolute nature and ask for God’s mercy. This is where my discussion is heading, and don’t you think these two goals are fair and reasonable? I cannot deny that I wish for repose in order to be more at ease. Why not? This is natural for the corporeal part of us, and I will always flee poverty as much as possible. If I cause discomfort to myself in some way in order to make my body more apt to follow the commands of the spirit, that is to say to serve God (for God being the center of the soul, she should not have any other essential wish than that of her God), I want if it is possible for it to be voluntary and not forced. But why would I want to resist (inasmuch as I could), Divine will? This has not yet entered my imagination. I know that I have no reason to complain about his goodness, and that I should rather admire his justice. He put me in this world to suffer, and in imitating him, I can only inherit the capacity to endure it, so I must endure it and not remain impassible. But who can suffer without complaint? Let us not flatter ourselves, there is not one among us, so determined and so constant as he might be, who does not feel the movements and the passions in his soul when he sees himself troubled, unless he takes this on willingly. But the examples of these are as rare in our day as others are frequent of those who are forced to do so. It is true that one can truly be assaulted by passion, but not overcome. And it is in this case that prudence and reason should hold sway if they do not wish to lose the power^[232] that they have been given over this terrestrial Emperor.^[233] Happy he who can achieve this, and who without wanting to undertake more than his nature’s capacity can allow, uses by way of reason the means that have been granted him to arrive at this goal.

Conclusion

[Frame narrator]

We found the reasoning in this discourse accompanied by a great deal of verisimilitude^[234] and we began to develop this idea even more when one of our troop, more contemplative than the others, expressed his opposition to many of the things that were contained in it and wanting to show that he founded his view in reason, he began already to set himself against the opinion of the other one. But our gentleman voyager, who saw that this man seemed ready for a long fight, put this dispute off for another time, and taking up his talk, which had been interrupted by all of these readings, said to us:

[Storyteller]

Holding these papers tight, I followed my guide to the room where we had dined, which I found all full of people, some still playing, others caressing each other,^[235] and still others conversing together. But each of them had given the other cute, little names, such as “my little heart,” “my love, my all,” and other similar ones. As for those who played with or caressed each other, I did not amuse myself long, for fear of seeing something that by chance might be hardly agreeable. But I stopped to listen to those who conversed, as I thought that I should learn more with all of them than with the others.

Thus, approaching more closely, I heard one of this troop who argued that ambition was a form of nobility of spirit and that to content oneself with one’s fortune was rather idleness and laziness than wisdom; that he who did not brag about himself must be all stupid and without feeling, for it was out of ambition that the most beautiful intentions became apparent, which could later give a good reputation. He could not believe that a man could be well-born without this virtue of ambition, as that which shone the most brightly, and which was most readily apparent.

Another spoke loudly of the habits and character of the Prince whose subject he was, speaking ill of all of his undertakings, and giving out information about his most secret councils, without understanding them. He wished the Prince to govern his state not according to plans devised by this Prince, but according to his own imaginings. This man threatened to perform marvelous deeds, principally if other men than those who took his side were raised to positions of power, or if some whom he opposed were appointed to this position. And upon this, he loudly praised other neighboring princes, admiring their wisdom, their good fortune and good conduct, even though not one of them had all of these qualities together; on the contrary, his own Prince had them, without comparison, in much greater perfection. It is true that having gone a bit too far in praising one of the others, the news that someone told him at that moment, that he had not heard before, made him immediately sing the opposite, calling him quietly a name that we used to give to the Emperor of the Abyssinians.^[236] For this reason, another who was opposed to him began to insult forcefully the customs and laws of his country, praising other countries instead. He called prudent those who were full of bluster; wise, those whose actions were only foolish; happy, those who were tyrannized; clever, those who were often tricked; and of a good nature, those who were full of malice, sedition, or rebellion. In brief, all of the vices of these other countries were agreeable to him, inasmuch as their actions held some appearance of virtue. But the virtue of his own people was odious to him, because it was too open, too free, and without artifice—and in consequence, without any luster. As a result, this made him wish for the good fortune of others, which without a doubt (from what I have learned since) would have been the depths of misery.

Near there another little troop was gathered, and I approached them, since in lending an ear from time to time to what they were saying, I had often heard the name of Hermaphrodite, which made me think that they were engaged in some interesting discussion, and from what I could understand after this, they spoke of their origin, and of the reason for their name. The one who made this claim said that their God had been engendered by Mercury, also called Hermes, and by Venus, also called Aphrodite, and that from these two names theirs had been created. That in truth, those of their nature had been only bad omens, and bad luck to the Romans, who thought of them as a monstrous thing, at the time that the Republic was still crude and without civility. But once Roman spirits became a bit more polished, and the ferocity of their courage a little softened, they held them in greater esteem than all of the rest of their citizens. “And to the extent that this Empire commanded all the rest of the world, this was the reason,” he said, “that we have been dispersed throughout the entire world. It is very true that once, we did have significant status in Greece and in other countries of the Orient, but all this has been nothing compared to the reputation that the grandeur of this Monarchy has acquired for us.”

He was still speaking when another cut him off (for it was proper etiquette in this nation to interrupt one another in this way, and to prefer one’s own ideas over those of another, because of the lofty opinion that each one has of himself). “As for me,” he said, “I do not engage in such sublime meditations. I will leave here these political discussions, and I hold the same opinion as our adversaries, who believe that the most necessary knowledge is that which teaches the understanding of oneself. It is true that they wish this be done to humiliate and debase oneself, and I say that one must study this doctrine in order to admire and uplift oneself more and more, always having a good estimation of oneself, and striving to nourish and maintain this good opinion, not only in our imagination (through the reflection that occurs in us upon each of our actions) but also in the belief of all those who associate with us, even when this belief is false. For no matter where the praise comes from, it is a perfume which can only give off a very agreeable odor, and never does this instrument sound bad to my ear, whatever evil hand might touch it. This is why I wish that each of us strive towards this goal: that everything we say is praise of ourselves, even if it is inappropriate and without reason, of our perfections, even if they are unknown to anyone else or to ourselves, of our imaginary acts of valor, which are always the bravest and the boldest. Of our courteous behavior, which is never without dissimulation, or without some plan for greater profit.

“And as concerns what others should say about us, I wish that without stopping at what the vulgar people, without judgment and without discernment, babble about our actions, to our disadvantage, that we have always near us (some more, some less, according to his power) a number of gallant men like the freedmen of the ancient Roman Emperors, those leeches and dramatic parasites, to praise all of our spiritual, that is to say invisible, virtues. Principally our good deeds, those which we guard tightly and preciously in the power of our will, our talk which presents most innocently the more hidden mysteries of Venus. These men will exclaim and admire our boasting,^[237] and they will serve as our witnesses for things that never happened and that they never saw, offering always these refrains to everything we can say: ‘yes, yes, no, no, that’s it,’ and other similar things, because contradicting is for the pedantic schools. In this Island, where we profess only civility, agreeableness should be practiced more than disputation, principally with these people here, who were only born to praise actively and indiscriminately. For I would not want them to get involved with controlling any action, if it were not in order to exalt another, so as to benefit our reputation. For this is the target that they should aim for, as the thing which best guarantees a place at the table for themselves^[238] and to maintain themselves without a care, except for that of having a good time. Here is one of the professions that I most desire we put into practice without limiting ourselves to empty speeches, which serve only to distill our spirit without drawing out any contentment.

“As for me, like a bold Thrason,^[239] I will also brag about that which is impossible. I will at least have this contentment in myself, that I can make my imagination more powerful than nature and have my belief make me happier than the same action in reality, which I could not enjoy without pain, and yet this will happen for me without any effort. Those who kill their heart and their body to acquire fame are foolish and mad, seeing as how a bold word, which our adversaries call impudent, and a fair confidence, that they call insolence, can grant us more in a quarter of an hour than the work of twenty-five years could acquire for us. All of these formalities are only old misconceptions that ignorance maintains among some, that most of the world makes believe are in great estimation among us. But these poor folk are very mistaken: for far from the idea that one must care greatly about this, I believe that we should banish them from our company as much as possible, as people entirely opposed to pleasure and to the life of ease, which we make our profession.”

This man wanted to continue, but those who had played, wishing to retire to their chambers and others wishing to take a tour interrupted the whole speech, for each would have been forced to choose a side. Some got on horseback, or rather someone put them up there, for having put a foot in one stirrup while a valet held the other, some fellow lifted them up into the saddle. Someone gave them a sort of loose veil after that, which they put over their faces to protect them from sunburn; someone also said to me that some of them wore masks. As for others, they climbed into carriages that went at a walking pace. But the Lord of my guide climbed into a litter, where there was quite a struggle to get him in, with two men holding up the stair, while he slowly climbed up one foot in front of the other. All of the rest of them flowed away suddenly, some in one direction, others in the other. As for myself, who did not wish to follow them, and who had already determined to go for a walk in a very delightful garden that I had seen through the windows of this room, I wasn’t curious enough to inquire where they were going, seeking only the entryway to this place of pleasure, which was fairly easily found, since several of them were going to walk there themselves. I found myself in the most beautiful walkways imaginable, as much because of the height of the hedges^[240] which extended as far as the eye could see, as for the clever disposition of little chambers and for the adorable invention of compartments that were there at the entry. In this place of pleasure, I set to reading the speeches that I have shown you just now, waiting for my man to return, which occupied a good part of the rest of this afternoon.

[Frame narrator]

“But from what I see,” he said, “you do not tire of hearing me.” “Not at all,” we said, “even if you continued for many days. For who could tire of hearing about so many new things?” “Well then,” he said, “because you are insatiable, we will pick up the same discussion again tomorrow. But for now, let us give ourselves some respite, for this talk will only be more agreeable for having been interrupted a while.”

We agreed with everything he wished, thanking him with all the courtesy we could for his good will. So, leaving him to rest, we retired to our chambers, not without many discussions about everything we had heard.

THE END